Different attitude to family from DH - how to manage?

[DancingWithAlpacas]

Hello

Long time lurking, first time posting. Wondering if having very different attitudes and experiences of family from a DP is manageable? And in what ways to manage it without entering into a passive-aggressive war?

My DP is very close to his (they’re on WhatsApp all the time, go on holidays together, have made him mortgage free but don’t financially support him otherwise). I don’t speak to mine after years of physical and verbal use as a teen. Weirdly, they are all really close - I’m the outsider. I don’t feel that comfortable in family settings but also honestly don’t miss the sense of obligation/duty. I think other kinds of relationships deserve as much investment.

Although I just want to move on from mine, we do sometimes have discussions with gritted teeth about families. He thinks his are wonderful, and really goes on about it. Maybe it’s pride but sometimes it feels insensitive. I usually end up saying all families put each other into boxes - that’s how it works! We’ve been together for a while but I wonder if other people have struggled with similar differences and found it too much?

Any advice gratefully received!

Similar situation here but I’m just happy for DH they are so close. It’s not his fault what happened with mine.
He’s not trying to be insensitive.. can’t you just make his family your family?

Not all families put each other into boxes

You don’t have to see yours but he’s obviously close with his, can you be close to them too?

I usually end up saying all families put each other into boxes - that’s how it works!

I’m not sure what this means?

I’m in your DP’s shoes. DH is NC with his parents and siblings. I’ve got several siblings, mum, dad, step mum and we’re all really close. Drive each other mad at times but WhatsApp most days, meet up as often as we can, see mum at least once a week.

I can only take his word for it but DH loves my family, adores my mum in particular and is very grateful for their support and how they’ve welcomed him. He doesn’t find it insensitive I’m close to them because he is too.

Thanks for your comments...I don’t think it’s insensitive for him to be close to his family. I like his family - they’re very welcoming - but I’m not sure I want a second family?! Being close means being very very close (in a literal sense as well - their other daughter-in-law and son live a ten minute drive away).

But I appreciate everyone’s points - maybe I just have to process my feelings about my own family and not feel under attack!

To be honest OP it sounds like you're the one with the problem. It's perfectly normal and healthy to be close to your own family, as your DP is. That's the whole point of "family"

We don't choose our families and it's understandable you're not close to yours due to what's happened, but the abuse you experienced is the result of a toxic family - it's not how normal families behave. There's an undertone of jealousy from your post that you perhaps see your DP's family as competition, and would rather have you and your DP more of your own unit? Whatever you do, don't try to put a wedge between him and his own family due to your issues. Normal families are there unconditionally for each other e.g. you and him can break up at any point in the future but his family will always be there for him.

Work through with a therapist your feelings about your own family and you'll be much better for it

OP - I do think you need to deal and process your issues with your family on your own. And not transfer your anxieties and insecurities onto your bf’s relationship with his.
He isn’t being insensitive by liking his family and being close to them. It’s not about you at all.

You seem to be quite affected by what happened with your family. And that pain is preventing you from embracing your bf and his family. It’s likely that you are afraid of being hurt if you let yourself get close.
And this is why you see family as ‘obligation’ - rather than what people normally see - source of support and belonging.
For you it’s a defence mechanism