The guilt and it’s not me should feel it

[Goneanddonedit]

Name changed as posted a bit about this.

Left husband couple of years ago after DV, started divorce, got talked round into trying again after attractive promises, promises came to nothing so I’ve now moved along the next bit with the Nisi.
I’m now getting the guilt and threats, he loves me, I’ve got it all wrong, he’s not lying, I’m just so difficult, we can make it work, he’s desperate etc etc.

I’ve had months of no help financially and no help with the children. That is also my fault because of my attitude but he’s told me how despite never really doing any parenting he will be “going for 50/50” which is always my Achilles heel and he knows that (I know it’s highly unlikely he will get that)

He’s asking me to think about it, but it feel like I’m stuck in two camps, God, I want a divorce and this to just be over but on the other hand I just want to believe him and have a normal life, which in honesty I know I can’t have. I’m telling him I will think about what he’s said whilst simultaneously sorting out my Form A with my solicitor and stressing over how angry he will be at me when he realises (he will try to con me out of money, his lying and greed is also part of why I’m doing this)

Thing is, all the guilt seems to be mine. He has at times treated me really well, but it’s always on his terms, he never gives what he doesn’t want to, I’ve never really been allowed to own things with him, it’s always gone in his name and then been removed or bestowed on me at will. He has also treated me and the kids appallingly badly, tried to financially starve me into giving in over things, taken things we needed, disappeared for weeks and weeks, that’s without the actual reasons I left him!

He never feels guilty about anything. If it suited him he would divorce me tomorrow without an ounce of remorse and he seems to feel no remorse for any of the behaviour that brought us to here, yet I am full of guilt and I feel like a bitch. I was the one awake all night the other night, I’m the one who’s frightened of upsetting him.

I just wanted to write this down.

I’ve had months of no help financially and no help with the children. That is also my fault because of my attitude

Concentrate on that bit and maybe tell him that he is supposed to love his kids more than he hates you/wants to punish you for your independence.

I’ve never really been allowed to own things with him, it’s always gone in his name and then been removed or bestowed on me at will. and he thinks he can do the same with all of his possessions, kids included.

He isn't a nice man!

Carry on what you are doing. Your indecision and anxiety is what he has done to you. You will only see this clearly when he is gone. This mind fog is the result of his manipulation. Take it step by step and you will have the peace you need.

Thankyou. I know it’s the right thing, but he’s so vengeful and once Pandora’s divorce box is open then all that spite and vengeance comes out all aiming for me.

Maybe the guilt I feel is only a tiny part, maybe what I’m feeling is fear

Don't cave in now. You've done the hard bit, telling him and separating. Look at what you've written. Really look at it. You really don't want to spend your life with this man. And he's not going to get 50:50, don't worry about that.

Don't cave!!! You are doing fine. You are on the path way to a happier life.

He will not get 50/50 especially if DV is backed up by police reports

Yes, one case of DV was on police and Dr records, plus we had an outside Agency involved when I left and they are totally on my side.

Op he's not even going to actually go for 50:50 if he can't be arsed to pull his finger out to even see them! It's a threat.

@myfuckingfreezer

Op he's not even going to actually go for 50:50 if he can't be arsed to pull his finger out to even see them! It's a threat.

He will. Trust me on that one.

Although I do agree it’s a line designed to pull me back into place.

Ugh. what a vile man

OP, the only thing that will lift the FOG cycle for you is to gain your freedom back.

You know that he will make things as hard for you as he can. But remember, he cannot physically force you to do anything, because it would totally blow his ''I'll go for 50:50 with the kids'' threat out of the water !

The only thing he can do is to try to manipulate you with fear and guilt.

I'd like you to do 3 things for me and for yourself.

1. Block his number on your phone and all social media platforms and/or unplug your landline. Then email him from a new email address which you will only use to discuss the arrangements for the DC. (When you're free from his influence, you'll think more clearly- don't let him have access to your ear so he can drip feed his poison !)
2. Change the locks to your doors (you can buy new locks and change them yourself using you-tube videos so it doesn't need to be very expensive).
3. Inform the police that you have split from him and you fear your Ex will come to your home and you fear for your/ your kids safety. They will have a quick response time if they know beforehand.

You know you have done the right thing for both you and your children. Do not waver and do not lose faith in yourself.
You all deserve so much more than the miserable, fear filled life he has shared with you all !

OP, going for 50/50 is a classic move from men who know this will be an Achilles heel!

Personally I wouldn't react to it and show him the impact it has on you.

If you have to respond I would tell him, that you will try to make the most of your time alone by taking up new hobbies and meeting new friends and I'm betting he won't like that either and suddenly finds work won't allow him to have them 50% of the time!

Usually when he says about 50/50 I get a bit freaked out and he knows it brings me back to heel.
However this time I’ve taken lots of advice and I’m fairly confident in my approach, I think at best he would get EOW and possibly not that, so I just told him to fill his boots and I welcome the chance to give my reasons to a judge. I would represent myself as I’m quite savvy and good with things like this so it would cost me minimal money.
I just worry he will be all Barristered up

@Goneanddonedit

He'll hate it more if you give him the impression that 50;50 is what you want, because he's basically determined to not give you what you want.

Put it out on social media that you're looking forward to lots more girls nights out etc, or that you're going to really enjoy having the time to start going to the gym (or whatever).