Shutting him out

[ash677x]

I was in an abusive relationship, more emotional than physical. Very controlling, always keeping an eye on me, the whole lot. Well This relationship ended about 2 years ago. I have started speaking to this man for about 2 or 3 months. Part of me likes him but there's a part of me shutting him out. I hate being like this. I was such a confident lady before I met my ex. I went out all the time, wore what I wanted and felt comfortable. I went out on Saturday night and couldn't enjoy myself? Even though I was just having a drink in a pub? Almost like a fear of what will people think if I'm out drinking? Is this trauma? I think I'm just trying to get a reason for my feelings.

I think its low self esteem more than trauma. That and loss of identity maybe. You lose yourself in abuse, it changes you, and when yo get out theres no going back to the person before that was confident because she was innocent of the dangers of the world.

But you can get the confidence back. You need to do all the reading you can on how to spot abusers. Consistently, throughout life. Youtubers on npd (narcissists) are a good place to start. Never stop learning.

For your self esteem and finding yourself again, it helps to get lots of me-time. Whether that's just staying in watching a good netflix series or taking up a new hobby. Learn to be happy in your own company. Once you can do that, you can start getting out and meeting people. Joining clubs, forming friendships ect.

(A style change or a diet or a haircut might also help you feel like a new person).

You are skipping steps if you are dating without doing these things. He may be lovely. But if you are not happy in yourself again and if you have not worked on bringing back up your boundaries and learning how to spot abusers...you are not ready yet. And, more abusers might notice.