Rejection

[lostitall]

I know we've all been there. Fallen in love with a narc who can't possibly love us the way we need. But what if said narc then ditches you for someone else who they end up loving so much they marry and have kids with etc
How the hell do you not take it personally and stop it eating your self esteem

Not sure if this will help you but what helped me was to remind myself that everyone likes different things. There are some people that I think are absolutely fantastic. That doesn't mean that we would necessarily 'click'. It's not a failing on your part, nor is it a case of you lacking anything. He probably was just looking for something different. Not better, just different.

He'll have been looking for someone who fell for the act a little bit more, questioned him a little less, and probably had at least one parent prepared to chip in some money for a wedding / deposit. Sound familiar at all?

My narc abusive exh has settled down after our disastrous marriage - she’s very different in personality to me and is considerably older than me/him (no judgement, just factual). Part of his grievance with me was that I wouldn’t mother him (although I definitely did way more than I should) and he’s found someone who will fulfil that role.
Doesn't mean he isn’t a narc or that there was something wrong with me...it means she can put up with his shit far better than I could.
Rather her than me. Try to see it as a lucky escape, men like that do not change - they may be handled differently but they don’t morph into someone else just because they’re with someone new.

It's not a negative reflection on you.

Maybe he is a 'narc' (although I see that word bandied around far too much on here for it to apply to everyone labeled as such), furore likely is that you weren't compatible with each other and that's fine; both of you will be more compatible with other people.

Some of those people you might not form healthy relationships with but they will still meet a need in you.

Your mistake was believing whatever lie you told yourself that meant you stayed in a relationship with someone you consider to be a 'narc' when you should have ended it yourself.

Sweetie are you in counselling? It’s worrying that you’re still fixated on your ex even though he’s now married with children.

I totally get that it hurts when someone you love doesn’t reciprocate but with decent work on yourself you quickly realise why it was not meant to be. Honestly that is liberating and so freeing.

I share sunbeamsandmoonbeams view of the word narc, true narcissism is EXTREMELY rare! But if he is narcissistic, you should feel extremely sorry for his wife and children as that’s a recipe for emotional abuse and a difficult family dynamic not felling like he should have chosen you.

I am going to say that I think that you need to do some work on you: rebuilding your self esteem, finding your inner worth and some work on letting go of a relationship that was clearly toxic FOR YOU!

I think you should treat it as a blessing in disguise that the narcissist discarded you.
Their current partner will eventually know who they really are, and hopefully escape the narcissist before they do serious damage.

They are the one with the problem, not you.

Narcissists never really love anyone. So if she isn't living in hell now, that poor woman soon will be.

You escaped the nightmare. Freedom is a gift you know. Dont spend it wallowing over some asshole.

Fucksake. There is absolutely nothing to suggest that this man isn't just someone who wasn't compatible with the OP who then went on to meet someone he fell in love with!

And doesn't that apply to most people at some point?

Absolutely nothing to suggest abuse or a nightmare or living hell.

All.she said was that he couldn't love her in the way she needed and went on to meet someone else.

They could have had incompatible love languages based on that!

Pp the op isn't asking for our opinion on whether her ex is a narcissist or not. Did it occur to you that maybe she has not gone into details about her whole relationship with him? And is making the judgement based on many other things, not just the circumstances she has mentioned to us.

I'm happy to take op at her word. And if he is one, then she is better off without him.

Your value is not dependent on this or any man marrying you and having kids.

It wasn't right for both of you, and that's just how thing are sometimes. I know it's hard to think straight when you're in pain but this leaves you open to find someone who is right for you and vice versa

Sunbeams you really haven't got time for me to list all the ways he was an absolute narc full of lies devoid of empathy and using people purely to meet his own needs. Black and white evidence like I say you don't have the time to go into that

I just think he has either changed his behaviours to find someone else to be able to live with which would be the best case scenario or he's still a narc and his wife hasn't yet found the strength to leave. If the former option it makes me feel a bit aggrieved how he wouldn't get that help when we were together

Well a narcissist is always a narcissist, they cant change, it's a pathological disorder. They can only learn to hide it better. You dont expect a sociopath or a psychopath to suddenly become normal do you? Narcissists are pretty much the same thing.

There might be some specialists (or quacks) out in places like america that claim they can cure npd provided the person wants to overcome it but generally speaking, no narcissist thinks they have a problem or seeks help from someone with the capability of making them neurotypical in the first place.

So you can pretty much categorically say he has not changed. Probably just got better at manipulating.

But really it's not healthy to dwell on it. He was crazy. He probably still is crazy. But he is no longer your problem.

Might be wise to seek some help for yourself so you can unpick why you are still ruminating on things.

Op the reality is some relationships don’t work out. The two people are not compatible ultimately and one or both are unhappy, the relationship ends. Either or both can then meet someone they are compatible with. And that relationship is happy. We also behave in ways we shouldn’t some times when we are in a relationship we are unhappy in.

If he’s married with children it’s been some considerable time since your relationship ended. Maybe you need therapy to help you move on now

I think the issue banding about labels implies that they are not in control of their own behaviour and so can not change the way they act. There's no culpability there, and it's easier to write someone off as a ' narc' rather than admin he was just an everyday arsehole.
Only when you cna hold someone to account for their behaviour can you expect someone to treat you better and actively make those choices to make you happy.

I think labels just eliminates responsibility to be honest

Been there. Seems all my ex’s are either in long term relationships/married/kids/living together... and there’s me... kids, single parent. I snooped on ex’s on Facebook and it messed me up so I stopped it does me no good. I’m happy with my life that’s all I need care about

@baileys6904

I think the issue banding about labels implies that they are not in control of their own behaviour and so can not change the way they act. There's no culpability there, and it's easier to write someone off as a ' narc' rather than admin he was just an everyday arsehole. Only when you cna hold someone to account for their behaviour can you expect someone to treat you better and actively make those choices to make you happy.

I think labels just eliminates responsibility to be honest

I think a lot of women on here use it as an insult. When in reality it’s a mental disorder that is in fact quite rare. If indeed this man does have npd, then this is something out with his control. And yes, I agree, absolves him or any responsibility other than to seek and engage in treatment for it.

@Bluntness100

Op the reality is some relationships don’t work out. The two people are not compatible ultimately and one or both are unhappy, the relationship ends. Either or both can then meet someone they are compatible with. And that relationship is happy. We also behave in ways we shouldn’t some times when we are in a relationship we are unhappy in.

If he’s married with children it’s been some considerable time since your relationship ended. Maybe you need therapy to help you move on now

Your last paragraph... one of my ex’s left and within 3 months she was pregnant and they got married.. he told me before we got together she was his FWB but then the distance was too much. Sometimes we aren’t what the person wants . I became pregnant 2 years into 3 year relationship with him and he didn’t want the child and said one day we can have a child but not yet... it took 8 more months for it to end. Then he has his family so quickly with his now wife! Couldn’t help at the time but to feel’what’s wrong with me’ ... time teaches you nothing is wrong with me , me and him weren’t meant to be

Agree with @Umberellatheweatha. Very common for narcissists to move on very quickly (or cheat first!). They just sense you are getting fed up or can no longer give them what they want and they move onto someone else. They only want a new supply (someone who can do things for them), they don't know how to love. Definitely look into therapy. I spent 12 months driving myself crazy about why he got to have a good life when he'd treated me so badly, and why couldn't he see how he behaved! Now I don't care. He won't change, so his new girlfriend will experience what i experienced. It's not love. Things will get better for you, stay strong.