Anyone else NC with close family but NOT by choice?

[SlugsAreBastards]

Read lots of threads on here about people choosing to go NC with family members due to abuse/toxicity etc, but nothing about being NC with family not by your own choice. As in being cast out/ostracised.

That is the situation I’m in and it doesn’t get any easier despite lots of time passing. It is very lonely and affects other relationships due to loss of confidence in oneself and trust in others. If your own family doesn’t want to know you kind of thing .

Is it that unusual? Anyone else in a similar boat?

My family is stupidly complex but my adoptive father very clearly withdrew many years ago due to his new wife.

Technically it's not full NC as we send birthday and xmas cards, but that's all. The rejection when I've tried to reach out and build a closer relationship is absolute (mind you my head says he's not worth trying to reach out to, not a rewarding man and ever so quick to put me down - but he's my dad).

It and other family losses have profoundly influenced my confidence and trust. Unfortunately loss built on loss which made it worse. Being rejected by him and most other care-givers, some when I was very small, has left me feeling unloveable and unwanted. Very luckily for me a few good people, not family, have been kind and loving towards a stray and they have made all the difference between scraping along and sinking fully.

Some other posters get rejected by family out of hand. Often it's because they're the one chosen to be the scapegoat for all that's wrong with the parents themselves; sometimes, tragically, they have been the ones to speak up about abuse and then are shut out.

Do you want to say some more about your circumstances slugs? no need if you don't want to, of course.

Well if you’ve done something for your own family members to cut you off then you probably aren’t going to be as vocal about it which is probably why you hear less about it from the other side

@ColaOlaLa

Well if you’ve done something for your own family members to cut you off then you probably aren’t going to be as vocal about it which is probably why you hear less about it from the other side

Maybe they've done absolutely nothing go deserve this. That's a bit unkind saying that.

Family don’t just cut you off for no reason

No they don’t Cola. What I did was to speak up about abuse within my family (I was the scapegoat) some of which was being repeated to my own DC so was accused of having had a mental breakdown and having gone crazy (got on with everyone before that as the ‘people pleaser’) losing every single member of my family, my DC their aunts, uncles and cousins. My mother even used the death of one of my DC years before as the reason for my ‘breakdown’ and told the rest of my family to not contact me unbeknownst to me. Rationally I know we’re better off without them but that doesn’t stop it hurting! This was my mother’s purposeful ‘punishment’ as she knew how much it would affect me.

ljsbear the feeling that I must be unloveable and unwanted is what has affected me the most. The good relationship I had with my siblings for close to 40 years was all a sham so it turned out as they never cared for me at all. That has affected my trust in my DH and trust in friends who I let go as I couldn’t imagine how they wanted to be friends with me and I was afraid of being stabbed in the back again!

It is insidious and makes you feel very alone.

Not as completely as you OP, but a section of my family cut me off. They were close to my ex-H and believed all the horrible things he said about me to excuse him having an affair.

It was very very hard OP, for me it took ten years before we finally sorted it out and it's still a bit weird sometimes. Sadly it doesn't sound like there's much hope of resolution for you OP, but tbh it sounds like you and your LO will be happier long term without them.

It's the injustice and unfairness that makes it hard to let go.

You're neither unloveable or unwanted, you just unfortunately have a family that walks around with rose tinted glasses OR with their eyes purposely closed until it suits them.
By the sounds of it, you did the right thing as whatever was going on was then affecting your own DC and you broke that cycle so good for you!

Just because you haven't gone along with the 'norm' which obviously wasn't normal doesn't make you a horrendous person and from what you've said you have a DH and have friends so there's nothing wrong with you!
Also your DH and friends are not your family, these are people you have picked and have judged that they are good enough to be in your life, family you don't get to pick so try not to put them in the same basket as your family, that's not fair on them and you.

I think you need a good sit down with yourself to clear your mind of what is in there, although there may be nothing left to salvage between you and your family (I wouldn't bother if I was in your situation) due to your family's behaviour, you have your own family and friends and you can move on and be happy 😊

I wonder if your siblings are towing your mothers line because if they didn't the same would happen to them.

I was cast out by my dm when I called out her emotional and mental abuse. I lost my dsf and 2 of my db for a long time however I'm not back in contact with my younger db who sees me behind dms back.

I think she was jealous of mine and db relationship tbh. I'm sure she's a narc.

Lucky for me she also cut out her two dsis and one of my brothers so I'm not alone now in being the cast out

• I got back in contact with (not I'm not back in contact with)

@ColaOlaLa

Family don’t just cut you off for no reason

Quite right, there'll be a reason. Sometimes it's because they desperately want a victim. The reasons can be terrible to the point of evil.

That read as a pretty victim-blaming post, cola

@ColaOlaLa

Family don’t just cut you off for no reason

That's bullshit.

Of course there's always a reason but it doesn't mean that it is a good reason for going NC or fair or just.

DH and I are NC with one of his family members because he told serious and damaging lies about us. Other people in the family then went NC with us because they thought we should have forgiven that behaviour and essentially wanted to sweep it under the carpet.

It is hurtful and unfair but we deal with it by concentrating on the face that we have a clear conscience, we had no choice but to protect ourselves and if other people choose to judge us for doing this then they are not the kind of people we want to spend time with anyway.

It doesn't take away the hurt or injustice but the best revenge really is a life best lived. And our lives are much richer for not having people like that in our lives.

slugs Im very sorry about the loss of your child. Your mother's behaviour was indeed terrible to the point of evil. To use the death of a child against his or her mother like that !

From little bits you've said and from experience of dysfunctional families, did you put up with much much too much before speaking up?

it's a hard, heartbreaking choice to either keep quiet and be treated like the emotional sacrificial goat, or to walk away and loose the parental love that everyone longs for, especially grown-up lovedeprived children.

@SlugsAreBastards, I had exactly the same experience for exactly the same reasons. I outed my DM for her promiscuous, emotionally abusive and neglectful behaviour since our childhood and was immediately branded as the mad one and ostracised by my whole family. It took quite a while to grieve the loss of the family I had fantasised in my mind. It wasn't real. They were awful towards me, always had been.

But with the help of a therapist I realised how scapegoated I had been and how much I had twisted myself to please them. It was destroying me and most of my other relationships including my marriage had the same pattern. Distance, time and therapy, I am a completely different person. I don't miss them and will never go back.

I can totally understand the gut wrenching feelings of loss when you are ousted from your family but it does get better. The sense of rejection and abandonment does subside as you realise you don't need these people. Scapegoat is a role for life, it doesn't get better because dysfunctional families rarely look at or take responsibility for their behaviour. They are the mad ones. Are you able to get therapeutic support? I promise it will get better.

Yes. No contact with a sibling. Not my choice but he chose to go nc with another family member and I think he's wrong to do that. I suspect he knows I don't agree with his decision. Whatever. We don't have anything to do with each other.