Feel so pathetic but... how do I stop this?

[Aperolsprizter]

Hey all,
I’ve changed my username for this cause I’d posted some personal stuff under another.

I got broken up with about 9 months ago and it was very hard. Not a great relationship, a lot of meanness and nastiness and I ended up feeling completely and utterly broken. Good news is, built myself back up, feeling a million times better.

I decided to not date or try and date to “get over him” because I wanted to try and work on myself first - get boundaries, have a bit more self worth, feel better. But about three months ago a new person came into my social circle - been on the edges for a while but been brought in more readily recently

Long story short, we started chatting separately and cycling together as we both enjoy it.
As lockdown ended, he bailed on a couple of group events with our other mates and I checked in to check everything was cool and he told me a lot about some problems he was facing mental health wise.

I didn’t tell a soul about what they were and assumed others in the group he was far closer to would know anyway. Turns out it’s just me and I did a lot of supporting as we got closer.

I thought there was some romance and not ashamed to admit I have a crush - it feels reciprocal but as time has gone on I’m
Worried I’m just an emotional support animal.

Obviously I’m happy to be there and support, but it always ends up being my role and it’s exhausting when it’s all the time. He’s very kind and nice, but I’ve got so little confidence I don’t know how to grab the bull by the horns and just ask.

I’m not unattractive but I do feel like I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I just wondered if anyone had tips on how not to make it weird or feel like a failure? But also how to stop people seeing me like the sounding board for any problem... but nothing else?

You could say "I might be getting a bit of a crush on you. Should I nip that in the bud?"

Terrifying situation! 😀

I know that would be the rational thing to do and best in the long run but it’s absolutely terrifying to me - I just always feel like I’m ugly or not good enough so it’s always going to be a no

In the nicest way, this is really not how a healthy relationship should start - helping someone out through their emotional problems. Because if it starts like this, it's only going to carry on in the same way. And I would gently introspect and question why you think this is as good as you deserve.

You did not build yourself up, only to get so entangled in 'fixing' someone else. He needs to sort himself out before he can be a good partner to anyone else. And you should recognise this and step away. Relationships can be fun, make you a better person - you do not have to be someone's therapist. It's one thing to help out a long standing friend or a partner with mental health, challenges - another to do it with someone you're trying to date. This will only take energy away from you.

I would step away from this friendship too, and focus on people who will add to your life.

First of all, don’t jump to conclusions - I’m sure you’re lovely, don’t assume it’ll be a negative reaction.

What do you do with him when you spend time together? I know you mentioned cycling but perhaps next time he confides in you you could say something along the lines of “how about we go for a drink/food (or whatever he likes doing) to cheer you up?”. So essentially ask him out but in a casual/light hearted way.

See how he responds to that and maybe go from there? It may be that if he’s having a hard time he may also be unconfident in asking you. Or, he may not be interested - but at least you’d know.

I know it’s easier said than done but fake it til you make it - if you never ask you never know! You got this 💪

We spend time together getting coffee etc fairly regularly and the support isn’t the entirety of it - we have a laugh as well. But I don’t understand why it’s me he told to be honest and yeah I think generally it does smack of unhealthiness to be the fixer. But I dunno why I always end up being the fixer. People talk to me and I think being quite anxious myself (but sort of coping with it well if that makes sense) makes me empathetic but HOW do I stop just being an emotional support pet / lace up my boots enough to ask without feeling like I’m getting punched in the stomach each time I think about a rejection?

Wouldn't it be better to keep him as a friend and find someone more mentally healthy for a romantic relationship? Even if he likes you, the roles are now set: he "needs", you "suport".

Get busy. Find lots of other things to do, places to go, people to see. Still make time for him but don't make him your first priority and drop other things to spend time with him. He is likely either to become whiny because his support person isn't so handy anymore, or realise that you're a great person who has a lot going for you and he should either step up and ask you out, or accept that you can't be on call mental health prop all the time.

Yes to both of these. It’s quite hard to explain - it doesn’t feel unhealthily codependent or anything, just deep talk quite soon and I feel like it’s something wrong with me / that I bring out in people (in a people pleaser way maybe)

I wouldn't pursue a relationship with him just yet. Like PP have said, you will just become offloaded onto with even more problems as it goes on.

Be polite. Tell him you appreciate him coming to you in confidence, but you have your own things you're working through right now and you're not the best person to help him at the moment.

Why not make him your "confidant" in return and tell him you're looking for a new relationship after a bad one ended and get his views on what type of person might suit you and how to go about the search? Tell him he can be your honorary girlfriend because you know you can trust his discretion as you've been discreet with him?

If he starts giving you advice on you OLD profile etc, you know to knock your crush on the head. If he is interested, he won't stay quiet once he knows you're out there looking.

If he just moans that you'll have no time for him any more, you'll know he's a self-centred no-hoper.

Worth a try?

Yeah again that makes a lot of sense. But I think he’s quite similar to me and if someone did that to me, even if I liked them, I’d take it as a clear signal they weren’t interested and even if I was massively pull back. I don’t know how people ever get together, it feels so vulnerable

@Aperolsprizter

I know that would be the rational thing to do and best in the long run but it’s absolutely terrifying to me - I just always feel like I’m ugly or not good enough so it’s always going to be a no

Then you need to continue working on yourself and developing better self esteem, you are not ready yet to put yourself out there.

Honestly? I'd run a mile.

You don’t want to date this one

It sounds like you still have your own issues to work through so you don’t want someone else with their own mental health issues too.

Are you someone who gets this a lot? Because this happens to me all the time. Men & women. I’ll only know someone a short time before they start spilling their guts. I can be at a party, only having met someone for a few hours, and they offload everything. My friends think it’s hilarious 😒

I’m just trying to work out if it’s just him that sees you like this or if it’s everyone. Because if it’s just him, that’s potentially more of a problem (in terms of relationships) than if it’s everyone.

Just ask him, if you think he's relationship material.

He can only say no!

Won't be the end of the world.

Life's too short to remain in limbo.

@Shemeanswell it’s everyone - but I particularly find it a problem with blokes who are usually quite buttoned up.
It happened with an ex where essentially in the early stages of knowing him, he spilled his guts to the point where he had to pull back so much to get that distance back (because he felt uncomfortable with sharing anything).

It does happen with women too but not to the same extent. Its happened with men before who there’s absolutely no romance with too, but I’ve ended up coaching them through things. It’s very bizarre and I really have no idea why it happens

I have no idea either, so no help there. I don’t ask for this information, it just comes at me.

With your bloke, if you like him then you have nothing to lose. The alternative, if you keep things exactly as they are, is you become his unpaid therapist!