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Relationships

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Original poster

Sexless relationship

24 replies

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 14:54

Has anyone here dealt with a sexless relationship? How was it for you? Did things improve for you or did it end?

I'm with my partner about 4 years and our relationship has been sexless for about 2 or 2 and half years.

We had sex once last year and maybe twice the year before that. I read online that anything under 10 times a year is classed as sexless.

The sex was OK in the beginning. It was about once every 2 or 3 weeks. Then it dwindled to nothing.

Basically any time we tried to have sex over the past 2 and half years or so, it looks as if he's not able or satisfied with vaginal sex, he brings his hand to his dick and finishes himself off. I expressed an interest in other positions in the early days but he never he that on so it was always in the same position, him on the bottom and me on top. Then it always turns into a failure and he finishes himself off.

We now sleep in separate rooms and I think this is so that he doesn't have the address the issue with me.

I love him. He is a good person but the sex is gone and I am beginning to lose an interest and a desire in him sexually. To some degree I still do want him but I think after so long it's going to be so awkward to get any sex life back again with him. I'm having dreams most nights about sex else where. Some dreams are very vivid too.

We are both in our 30s and I consider myself to be too young to be celibate. I was without sex long enough when I was single and now to be like this all these years later - in a relationship and sexless.

OP posts:

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 15:27

I got some news this morning of a pregnancy in old school friend. She works in the limelight and it was reported online.

It was hammered home so much to me. Not only with that pregnancy but others around me too having babies and pregnancy. I won't ever have that opportunity because our relationship is so sexless.

OP posts:

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 15:31

It hit me in that other couples are having sex and we can't manage having sex together.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/06/2021 15:33

Honestly OP it looks dead in the water to me which I think you also realise.

Why are you dragging it out?

Buzzer3555 · 02/06/2021 15:35

Our relationship is sexless following dh prostate cancer. Its fine because we are in our 60's and have children. I couldn't have stood it if we were in our 30's.

Roberta268 · 02/06/2021 15:43

It didn’t improve for me and the relationship ended. It sounds like your partner might have a porn addiction / death grip syndrome, which mine had as well.

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 15:56

Aside from the lack of sex we get on very well together which is so confusing.

We have a weekend booked away for this weekend and to be honest I'm dreading it now that it's getting closer. It's been so long. It's just going to be awkward and if anything does happen it will be a massive failure no doubt.

Yeah, I think I will be calling an end to this relationship very soon. I want to open the door for something new and exciting or just remain single for a while.

OP posts:

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 15:57

It would be so much more easier to stomach and understand if there was a sickness or disease preventing us from having a sex life.

OP posts:

PleasantBirthday · 02/06/2021 16:00

Is it the relationship or would he just not be interested in a sexual relationship overall, do you think?

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 16:01

He denying watching porn. He says he watches YouTube most nights instead of TV. He says there's a lot of good documentaries on YouTube and a lof of good stuff to watch.

My gut is telling me that YouTube is just a cover up for him watching something else/porn.

I watch YouTube myself but it's more so when I want to learn a new technique in cooking or baking or I need a demonstration of something or another. Not for documentaries. I thought Netflix and other streaming platforms would be the place to go to for documentaries. I do suspect its porn he's watching.

OP posts:

Dalmationcoat · 02/06/2021 16:01

@Buzzer3555 you couldn’t have stood by your husband if he couldn’t have sex following a serious illness? Wow. That says a lot about you.

OP, has he tried to do anything to change the way it currently is? For me that would be the million dollar question and the biggest indicator of whether the relationship can last

Dalmationcoat · 02/06/2021 16:03

In his defence just on the YouTube thing, I watch a lot of stuff on YouTube so I don’t know how much you can base off that. There’s a lot more variety than on Netflix IMO. Have you looked at the search/watch history?

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 16:06

I don't think it is the relationship. We get on very well together. I think it's more the sex related. The thing is when we were sleeping together, he was showing a slight interest in sex. He is a sexual person but sex with me has been nothing for ages.

I try and look after myself well. I eat well. I shower and wash regularly and look after my teeth every night. I lost some weight and then put it back on again and now I'm in the process of losing weight again. So I am looking after myself.

OP posts:

PleasantBirthday · 02/06/2021 16:14

@SummersBreeze, I think I may have given you the impression that I was wondering if it was something offputting about you personally- I am sorry, I didn't mean to imply that at all.

I was just wondering whether you considered him a person who doesn't have much of a sex drive generally or whether he had checked out of the relationship. It sounds like you're doing well in other areas though, so could he just not be a sexual person?

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 16:14

He hasn't changed things. He's more than happy for us to sleep separately because I think it takes the heat of any action between us. Although he has expressed a desire at times to cuddle with me, I'm now actually reaching some sort of a stumbling block - honestly the whole thing is disastrous. He won't go to the doctor to see if its connected to his health.

OP posts:

Unsure98 · 02/06/2021 16:16

He’s looking at porn and wanking frequently. This is why he has become desensitised to your body. Have you thought about sex therapy? Otherwise, are you happy and can you continue with how things are? You deserve more.

Holothane · 02/06/2021 16:16

We’re sexless medical reasons I manage love him but no longer think of him sexually. We are older I’m now 54 he’s 48 but even early days wasn’t that into it.

fearfulfran · 02/06/2021 16:50

When he finishes himself off, is he holding it really firmly? Because as others have said it sounds like a death grip syndrome thing perhaps

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 18:04

Yes, when he finishes himself off, he is holding his dick firmly.

OP posts:

Paq · 02/06/2021 18:09

MN are always v quick to say "he's wanking to porn" in these scenarios, and it could be true, but he could also have a myriad of sexual dysfunctions that we cannot possibly diagnose.

It sounds like you are planning to leave, which is a good thing. Don't fret on justifying your reason for leaving. Just focus on the future.

Unsure98 · 02/06/2021 18:12

Because the vast majority of the men I’ve dated have had death grip
When they stop the daily porn and wanking, it makes a HUGE difference

copperpotsalot · 02/06/2021 18:27

@SummersBreeze

Yes, when he finishes himself off, he is holding his dick firmly.

Yeah I'd say maybe the death grip thing then. I think they can "recover" from it but he'd have to want to and be motivated to

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2021 18:42

I know in my heart and my soul that he watches porn. He didn't admit it but a few things hint towards porn.

We were at a family function about 3 years ago and he went to his brother in law and cracked up a joke. I forget what the joke was but it was vulgar. It was of a sexual or bdsm nature - it was about chains and control or something. I don't know what it was but it wasn't the time or the place for it imo. It just showed what lives on his brain at the time.

There was a few more other things too. Like when we slept together, he had no problem going to sleep with me and often we would be in bed and asleep by 9 or 9.30 or 10. Hr had no problem. I ban TV when going to sleep.

He has a TV in his room. I remember a work schedule for him was very intense at the time. There was a festival in the city at the time and he was so busy. He often started work early for about 8.30 or 9. There were a few nights during that week when he finished late like past 1am in the morning. That's a long day. The next day we would be chatting on the phone and he told me the schedule of the night. Sometimes finishing for about 2am. The next day chatting on the phone he would tell me that he watched TV before going to sleep. The red flag for me here was that he had such a long day from morning time til well past midnight. I can't understand how he needs half an hour of TV for going to sleep. My mind thinks he's watching porn and going to sleep to that. Only that he won't tell me its porn he's watching.

OP posts:

Anothernick · 02/06/2021 21:34

Yeah, as you say, the whole thing is disastrous. It's really not normal for guys - or anyone - in their 30s to go two years without sex. I'd have struggled to go two weeks when I was that age. Whatever the reason it's almost certainly too late to rescue your relationship, time to move on.

Fl0w3r · 02/06/2021 23:25

@SummersBreeze I would stop getting wound up about the detail of whether he is or isn't watching porn.

What I would focus on is whether you're ok with 0 sex or unsatisfying sex when it does happen.

I had this for around 7 years. I can't tell you how much I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated sex after that.

Do what's right for you. I think you know deep down or you wouldn't be asking. Also, my ex was daily watching porn which at the time made me feel how you are now. But it wasn't that which was the problem & can only see that in hindsight, more our relationship dynamics which is why I would encourage you to have less focus on porn as I guess you could say it's a symptom of a wider issue, whatever that may be.

Wishing you the best of luck xx

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