How did you cope with the guilt if you lessened contact with your Dm

[whatisforteamum]

So the last few weeks I've been back working silly hrs.This has been great as dm cannot ask so much I've just been trying to get her prescriptions and bits.
Other family members get her food shop.
I also call once a week as she lives alone and though we are a huge family I am the eldest so feel a certain responsibility to her.
But she is soo draining.my dd came to stay for the 2nd time in a yr she went to dms took her for afternoon tea which wasn't good enough blah blah,no mention of how lovely to see dc.
Moaned at me for not visiting my dd who lives hundreds of miles away and how my dh fell asleep when they got home (he gets up for work before 5 am).
Please tell me how you balance not cutting off an elderly lady and keeping your sanity!!
She is constantly disappointed in me.

She's constantly disappointed in you. Your dd. Everyone.

It's her. Not you.

You sound like you do enough.

I'm not sure how your being the eldest has any bearing on your being more responsible. That's nonsense.

Have you read You're not crazy it's your mother by Dani Morrigan?

Could help.

I will look that up thank you.I still feel I should help but I need to look after my mental health as I've been having CBT myself.She knows I struggle to travel far or socialise yet she goes on and on.
Perhaps to disguise her faults.

Well, she simply doesn't care how you struggle.

Nothing to do with disguising her own faults. It's all about her and how wronged she is by everyone.

You sound like you're totally exhausted.

Perhaps Toxic Parents by Susan Forward would also help clarify things.

I went low contact with mine who was draining, self centred, and moany.
I felt very little guilt, just relief. It was a feeling of freedom, like breathing fresh air again.

Decades ago when I had an eating disorder the therapist asked to meet my parents.Afterwards they told me I was a symptom of someone who was the real problem.
I do feel I should help her as df would want us too.
She is such hard work though and so entitled ! Though I do think she deserves some help in her final years.

Have you heard of FOG? Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You are afraid to break free and do your own thing, you feel obliged to her, you are set up to fail and feel guilt so you try harder to please to avoid the backlash.
She might not be a full narc but she sounds very self centered and draining.

Its also not considered best practice to tell someone who is in therapy that they are ''a symptom of someone who was the real problem''.

Do you feel like a separate, whole, individual person in your own right? If not, I'd say thats the place to start looking.

Oh yes I am my own person.She just takes the negative to the extreme.
She compares me to my considerably better paid db.
Constantly telling me where he holidays and what he has..
I don't compare myself to anyone as I believe it is the thief of joy.
We also have v different ideas as I exercise eat healthy.
She doesn't and never walks anywhere and it a much much larger lady hence the constant problems with her health.
It's never her fault though always the GPS,pharmacy .She won't take responsibility for her situation.