What to say do on return?

[Handinhand2]

I’m not going into lots of detail. I would just like some constructive advice. I’ve name changed.

My dh is a sulker and gives the silent treatment . We had a minor disagreement on Monday. He refused to talk to me the next day, told me to go away so didn’t want to discuss it. So I have, I’m at my sons. I have to go back tomorrow as dogs are with neighbour. How is best to approach our situation? If he still won’t talk (very unemotional parents, never really talked about his feelings) is it over? What happens next time?

I would have left him long ago. He's emotionally abusive and uses the silent treatment to dismiss you and "keep you in your place." How many times have you not said something to him about an issue important to you because you didn't want to deal with his "response?" Lots of times is my guess.

You have to decide if you want to continue to live like this.

Don’t live your life with a sulker or giver of the silent treatment. It’s a shit way to live.

His parents aren't an excuse for him to be a dick. He is not 5 years old. Sulking is the behaviour of an emotionally abusive wanker and there is no excuse for it.

I'd just be going back to pack my bags and get my dogs tbh. Can your sons come with you?

Whether it's over and what happens next time is entirely up to you - there's no manual of rules.

Clearly he has a very unhealthy attitude towards communication and isn't able to express himself in a healthy way. It's not normal to stonewall and ask someone to leave over a minor disagreement.

If it were me, either he'd have to agree to go to therapy to help him deal with this, or it would be over.

It sounds like your DC are adults if they live separately so that means it's easier for you to leave the miserable git.

Let him communicate via your solicitor.. He is abusive and this a a recognised route for divorce..
And don't leave the ddogs with him.

Dogs will always be with me. My sons share a flat, I wouldn’t want to live with them but they are so supportive and it’s a bolt hole if needed. I won’t be leaving my home, he will if he can’t change. One of my boys says leave him and the other thinks he needs therapy. Dh hates his job and is stressed - this is no excuse and I try to support him. He is not violent, but yes my sons would come and stay with me if I needed them.

One of my boys says leave him and the other thinks he needs therapy.

Both of these can be true at the same time. His behaviour is abnormal and might be addressed with therapy, however while he is fixing it there is no obligation for you to stay if you don't want to / if he is treating you badly.

Nowt as mentally and emotionally uplifting than throwing a sulking man child out....
Ime.

I don't know if the silent treatment or an adult man blaming his parents for his behaviour is worse. I've lived with someone just like this and agree you need to end it. You deserve better!

Does anyone actually have an idea of what to say when I get home tomorrow? I know there's no manual sadly! Feel out of my depth. We've had no contact while I've been here

“I’m not putting up with you trying to control me by deciding to ignore me when you get the hump. Therefore we’re breaking up.”

"Im sick of your bullshit. We're over. Pack up and bugger off'.

Seriously.

He doesn't need therapy, he's just an asshole and always will be. You might benefit from some counciling though, in order to help you figure out why you have tolerated this asshole for so long.

You need to consider why you think someone who consistantly treats you with contempt should be forgiven? What is it in your background that has led to accepting being emotionally abused as if it's the norm? It might be that it's just the way he has conditioned you of course. Or there might be something in your past to unpick.

But seriously op, what else could you say to him besides 'I'm done, fuck off out of my life' ? Anything else will just be taken as 'haha she has let it go again so I can continue being my usual shitty self'.

I ended my marriage by text message! I knew dh would avoid me until he had ground me down with sulking and gaslighting..
Had huge life changing row one Sunday night. He sat up drinking when I went to bed.. I went to work Monday and told him to be gone when I got back.. He was. Haven't seen or heard from him since that Sunday night!!
9 years ago!!

@Aprilwasverywet

I ended my marriage by text message! I knew dh would avoid me until he had ground me down with sulking and gaslighting.. Had huge life changing row one Sunday night. He sat up drinking when I went to bed.. I went to work Monday and told him to be gone when I got back.. He was. Haven't seen or heard from him since that Sunday night!! 9 years ago!!

Wow!

Just tell him This relationship is over because of your behaviour. I'm filing for divorce and I want you to leave.

Presumably he'll just ignore you.

File for divorce. Don't get into any more conversation. If he can ignore you then you can just keep repeating You need to leave at him like a robot to every single thing he says.

I would just tell him that sulking is the behaviour of a child, and that unfortunately, as an adult woman you are not sexually attracted to children, and therefore you will be seeking a divorce.

Really, it doesn't matter what you say. It won't change anything. This is over, and you know it. Now it only matters what you do.

Say nothing. The solicitor's letter will say it for you.

I probably wouldn't say anything at all.

"I unwilling to remain in the marriage because your silent treatment and stonewalling is emotionally abusive"

You deserve better. Silent treatment is designed to trigger anxiety, have you walking on eggshells and wreck your peace of mind. It's not the actions of a loving person.

In principle therapy could work but as he has had this behaviour all of his life the chance of him actually changing is very slim.
It is toxic to live with a sulker and can destroy your health.

Who owns the house or has their name on the rental agreement?

I have only had this happened once to me and I felt absolutely awful afterwards and during. I feel absolutely worthless. I wouldn't let someone do it twice.

I wouldn't actually say anything to him op, let him make the first move
And also get your ducks in a row

I agree. Don't say a word. Let him be the first to speak and when he does, tell him you're leaving.

Agree with PPs - it doesn't actually matter what you say, it matters that you start making steps towards separation and divorce. Whatever you say, however we'll you'll word it, will fall on deaf ears. So call solicitor, start divorce application, consider financial settlement details, start looking for a new house, call women's aid for advice on emotional abuse etc.

Then when and if he starts talking to you, you can ask him to sign divorce papers, move out and do whatever else needs doing.

Sulking is absolutely emotional abuse but for me personally it was the hardest pattern to recognise as abusive behaviour.

Simply tell him ''I've had enough of you using silence and avoidance as a way to try to silence me when you don't like what I have to say. Our relationship is over, and you need to leave. Now. I'm giving you 2 hours to pack up whatever you need for the next few days and you can arrange the collection of the rest via text.''

If he tries to talk to you at all, simply turn your back, and walk away. (the same as he has chosen to do you you, for years !)