How to leave my not so DH

[ILoveCake12]

Very sadly, I don't think I can go on any more with my husband. We just don't seem to get on anymore and everything I do seems to annoy him. I feel I can't be myself any more. I feel ground down. But how to leave, I couldn't possibly afford a house large enough for myself and my two DC. They are older, 19 and 16, but they are both still at home and will probably be for some time. I would need a 3 bedroom house and would want to stay where we are so my DS can continue at the school. It would also destroy my two DC and they would never forgive me if I left their Dad. I would be unable to give them all the things they enjoy, wouldn't be able to afford a car so wouldn't be able to take them to places, wouldn't be able to take them on holiday or pay for their hobbies. So basically, I'm stuck where I am, in an unhappy marriage, depressed and very sad. Sometimes I feel that life is not worth living any more. If I'd known what I know now, I would never have married or had children.

I’m feeling very similar to this but I’m at the beginning stages of our relationship - we have a 1 year old and our second is due in Sept. I know if we didn’t have children I wouldn’t be with my partner we would have gone our separate ways by now. I gave up my career, my home, my social circle to move to the country with him where we know nobody and have been stuck with only each other during lockdown. If I leave I have nothing, nowhere to go other than getting on a council list etc. It feels like rock bottom. Like you I’m feeling trapped. All I can say is that even if you hang on for another year or so, you have so much potential for a fresh start. Your kids, whilst well provided for are old enough to make strides in the world and will understand how the world works. Presumably if you left your husband would still need to contribute and help them? Life will of course be different but sometimes different can be a world of good. Your kids at that age I’m sure realise you are unhappy no matter how much you pretend or try to hide it. A happy parent is a better parent, I know this from my own folks divorce and I know I need to find a way in my own situation also. Your well-being is so very important, I’m sure your kids would understand in the long run despite inevitable changes. You are so close to freedom compared to my situation. You know in your heart what is best. I hope everything works out for you! Xx

Thank you so much C4SKI and sorry to hear that you feel you are also in a hopeless situation. I hope that things sort themselves out for you. I have a lot of thinking to do, I know that.

OP, one huge thing struck me about your post. Why would you be the one who has to leave? Okay, so you're the one initiating things, but he sounds unhappy too. Even if he says he doesn't want to separate, that still doesn't mean that you're the one who has to leave. I'm not saying take him to the cleaners, but have you talked to him about it all? Two unhappy parents isn't good for anyone, but your not so DH has equal responsibility.

It probably feels like an eternity but I’d sit tight until your youngest is 18 then leave. It’s less than 2 years which will fly.
They might not want to come with you by then and will be able to drive themselves and you won’t be funding hobbies etc.
In the meantime look at maximising your financial independence (consider changing job etc).

If they are at uni etc it won’t matter where you live, you can move further away etc.
Use the time now to get your ducks in a row.

Op, does your happiness count for nothing? You may be surprised with the reaction you get from your boys and they may be supportive. One is an adult and the other soon to be. Do you have an income coming in?

A two bed flat would work though.

Why don't you leave the DC with their Dad and live alone?

I was thinking the same; why not leave the DC where they are and move out yourself? They are not little children - one is a young adult and the other one will be soon too. They’ll be off to live their own lives in the near future.

I disagree with waiting until your youngest is 18. They might still need a bedroom with you but you’ll have less of an argument then for a house/flat big enough.

Have an appointment with a Solicitor. Do you own your home? If so, you’ll be entitled to at least half the equity.

My friend recently left her partner and moved (with her 9 year old) in with her mum while she looks for a house. Her 9 year old is sad that his parents aren't living together in their house and he currently has to share a room with his mum but he doesn't hate or blame his mum for the change in his life. What I am trying to say is, your dc won't hate you for leaving their dad. You will still have things and time and food and friends. They can have trips out on buses or bikes. Yes there will be upheaval, yes they may be sad, yes it may be difficult while you all get settled but why would they never forgive you? They are old enough to understand and life isn't always without bumps in the road. And a happy mum is worth more than an unhappy one. 🙂 Good luck op.

Op, you sound very down which is understandable if your relationship is negative. I think its worth focusing on yourself and seeing of you can make changes to lift your mood. Everything might seem bleak but there is ALWAYS a way forward.

Have you tried to talk to your husband?
Do you work? Do you know household finances? Do you have family or friends for support?

Sorry to hear of your current predicament. I don't have children myself but I'd hope that yours are old enough to understand that you can't keep sacrificing your own happiness for others. You matter too in all of this. If you don't look out for yourself, who will? There will never be a good time, there will always be another birthday or Xmas that you'll wait for.

If at times you think that life is not worth living please check in with your GP to see if there is anything they can do to support you. If it's a consequence of your current situation then I really think something is telling you that you need to make a change.