I just don't know anymore

[AA19]

Hi all, long time reader first time poster.
Me and my OH have been together coming upto 3 years now, living together 6 months. There's 10 years between us, hes older.
We met at work, friends for ages until he asked me on a date and we've been together since.
Since we moved in he's changed dramatically. Picking on things I do, making me feel like I'm not good enough or I'm always doing something wrong. I've suggested getting another job and he said it would cause problems between us.
He always thinks I'm in a mood, so then he goes in a funny mood which puts me in an actual mood.
Everything is his way or no way, all the time.
We was talking the other day and I said I'd like to plan some days out for us, he had a right pop at me.
He says he loves me but he doesn't show it. He's been getting up early hours and sleeping in the spare bedroom.
I'm starting to feel way down on his priorities list, like he will do every thing for everyone else and wear himself out or wear himself out doing things in the house but willfully a face if I go for a hug, I always get the tired and worn out version of him.
Sex is pretty much non existent now, says he tired but he will do it himself.. if you get my point.
I love him, with every fibre of my being. I honestly do but I feel like I'm trying to keep our relationship alive on my own.
He says he loves me and we have the odd kiss and cuddle then he says I've got you now, I dont need to try anymore. When it's all new it's nice to be like that now Im in settled mode. About 3 months ago he told me he wanted to marry me as a woman very much in love with her man, I get excited and start talking about where we would get married and such, he says rather harshly, ive not even asked you yet, stop talking about it. I just sat, deflated. Feeling like shit again.
Last month I took a couple of days off work, he was phoning and texting constantly telling me how much he loves me. So when he gets home, naturally, I go for a hug tell him I've missed him. A I get back is oh.. not I missed you too or anything like that.
Naturally I'm a very affectionate person, he knew this when we got together.
I dont know, is it me? Wanting or expecting too much?
I'm starting to feel exhausted with it all to be honest.

Life’s too short. I’d be gone.

Stop wasting your time, I’m mystified at your ott ‘love him with every fibre’, what is there to love? he sounds awful!
Move out and move on.

There's good bits too but at the moment the bad out weigh the good.
Since we've been allowed to go for meals again, we've been out once in that first week, he was holding my hand, proudly showing me off, grinning from ear to ear. There are times he'll not leave me alone like kissing and cuddling but then he just goes cold again.

He sounds really horrible and he’s not going to miraculously change if you get married to him. I would call it a day. Beware though as he sounds the type to bombard you and plead forgiveness if you dump him.

A few weeks ago, he put our song on, pulled me up for slow dance and started crying, saying how much he loves me and he never wants to lose me.
It's like he will be horrible, then because he feels bad about things he's said he showers me with affection. He's hot and cold all the time.

I've learnt over the years you have to watch the behaviour rather than the words your being told. He's keeping you 'reeled' in by telling you what you want to hear but you aren't seeing any real changes so his words and behaviour don't seem to match. Deep down we all have a gut feeling, what's yours telling you do?

He's told you himself what his game is. He's 'got' you now, so he doesn't have to make any effort* - those were the words that came out of his mouth. So if you want to be with a man who rarely shows affection and thinks that he now gets to just sit back while you dance around him looking for attention, crack on.

• this is the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is that he's an abuser and now he's ramping up his control/narcissism/jealousy which will lead to abuse.

Look at the way he behaved when you were off work - couldn't even leave you in peace to enjoy your day but the minute he got home was cold and unaffectionate. That's gaslighting.

In short, there are more red flags here than a soviet convention. It's not your fault - he's created this situation by appearing to be a perfectly normal person when dating. But this is not a good situation.

@remmy6
Likely he’s just a nasty cunt, why on earth would you tolerate that behaviour?
Raise the bar!
OP do the same!

No, I cant talk to him. When I do all I get is, I'm sick of having these conversations then he goes quiet and starts huffing and puffing. Makes me feel like it's all in my head.

@AA19

No, I cant talk to him. When I do all I get is, I'm sick of having these conversations then he goes quiet and starts huffing and puffing. Makes me feel like it's all in my head.

Gaslighting. Google it. He's making you feel like you're going mad, right?

He's not the man you thought he was.

He put on a good show to catch you, but that's all it was.
He puts on a show in public.
He puts on a show when you're away and might have time to think about what's happening in the relationship on your own.

Listen to what he's telling you (I've got you now).
Recognise what he's showing you (rejection, criticism, withdrawal). He's showing you the real him, who is by turns nice and nasty. This only gets worse.

The hot and cold is intermittent reinforcement and very addictive to the receiver, and it's emotionally abusive.

You're not expecting too much, you're expecting too little and you're in real danger of this getting far far worse. Cut your losses, dump his arse.

That's exactly it, making me feel like I'm going mad.

He will say its all me and its all in my head and if I carry on it'll end up causing us problems. But I'm only reacting to what I'm seeing and how I'm being treated.

In a relationship you should never be scared . I'm sorry AA19 but that is exactly how you are coming across . You need to leave, but I foresee him going into overdrive to plead with you to stay and if you do he will know that is all it takes to get you back to where he wants you to be , under his thumb.

Gaslighting is also emotional abuse.

It's not you, it's him.

Everything is his way or no way, all the time.

Oh, lovely, is this really how you want to live? There is a famous MN saying 'when someone tells you what they are, listen'.

You are very likely taking how he is in the good times and imagining a life where he is like that all the time. That life is not available with him.

Bin him off, don't listen to his histrionics. Look out for a decent man, one who always treats you they way your deserve to be treated.

Sorry, that's not him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your dad treat your mum like this?.

What you're describing here with this man is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Men like described do not change and he is indeed gaslighting you and making you question your own perception of reality. The reality is that he is abusing you and will continue to do this as long as you remain with him. He won't let go of you that easily but you really do need to free yourself from your abuser.

Abuse like this also takes time to recover from. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous poor relationship experiences, are being further messed with by this individual.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Where are your parents/friends here?. I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid and asap.

Is that what it is? Abuse?

Listen to me.........life is simply too short to waste any more of it on this person.

@AA19

Is that what it is? Abuse?

Gaslighting is emotional abuse, yes.

I know that's hard to hear.

Abuse is a spectrum. It often starts with controlling behaviours.

Do you know how to boil a frog? You don't just drop it into a pan of boiling water because it would hop right out again. What you do is put it into a pan of cold water then gently, gently, gently turn the heat up bit by bit. By the time the frog realises it's boiling, it's too late to do anything.

That's how abuse starts. Gaslighting, jealous behaviours, putting you on the back foot.

Now I'm not a lawyer but I don't think this current behaviour would meet any threshold for criminal behaviour. But it's not good. It's making you feel unhappy. This relationship isn't working for you. I can't tell from here if that's all it is, or if this is your partner turning up the heat for the first time.

But I do know that neither situation is good. And I do know that leaving now, just because you're unhappy, is fine. You don't have to take the risk of things getting abusive, you can just go because this relationship isn't working for you.