Family problems at Christmas!

[Layla17]

Not sure if I am posting in the right place but need some help with what to do about Christmas invitations. All very trivial I know!
DP and I have 2 dd's aged 1 and 3. For the last 6 years we have had his parents and my parents to us for Christmas Day. his brother and wife have always said they like to be on their owns and no one is ever invited.
Brother phoned yesterday to say he was going to ask his parents this year and was that ok with us.
The short answer is that it is not. I know I am being selfish but their chidren are grown up and ours are young and we like a big group at christmas.
It feels as though they always get what they want.
I want to tell them that we are not happy with that but dp says that we shouldn't make a fuss. I don't want to put MIL in an awkward position but feel strongly about this one.
Can anyone help?

You have had them for the last six Christmas. Its time to give them up for a Christmas. Just because their children are older doesn't mean they don't need their Grandparents.

If its a big Christmas you want why not have friends around? Or I have a friend who I greatly admire who has several elderly who are on their own over for Christmas dinner.

Yes you are being selfish.

Your bil is as entitled to have his parents for Christmas dinner as you are, more actually if you have had them for the past six years.

You say 'I know I am being selfish' and 'dp says we shouldn't make a fuss' and 'I don't want to put mil in an awkward position' . These should answer your questions. There is no reason that you can't have a perfectly lovely Christmas with just your parents, unless of course you sulk and spoil it for everyone because you don't get your own way.

Sorry agree with the other two. It's only a day, can't you have them round a few days later and do the pressie and big meal thing?
Personally I like nothing better than for dh & I to be on our own with our 4 dcs on Christmas Day - it's fab and we're doing again this year!

hang on.... you need them because you have young ones, but they've been coming 6 years- ie for a good few years before you have children? How does that make sense then?

Surely the siblings get equal access to their parents? And I would imagine that those with kids to brighten up the season can make a more enjoyable fist of it than those without, tbh.

Either take it in turns or all get together but neither paty has right to monopolise a set of aprents. Esp. if brother hasn't had them for 6 years and you get yours anyway.

We have my parents around at chrimbo and it is my db and sil who like to have their OWN christmas lunch at their home, and my other db goes to his gf mother. So I invite everyone around later in the day, from teatime onwards and have a v big family christmas evening (must admit it can be bedlam with all the kids)It can be a bit knackering but well worth it.
We are lucky because we all live close to one another.
Not sure if this suggestion will be of any help.

The door is open to anyone and we have aunts, uncles, cousins, friends dropping in also. we all have a great time and none of them are shy and help themselves to drink and food. So i rarely have to run around like the fastest hostess in the north east.

I had asked his brother and wife round so that we could all be together but they refused. That is what upsets me.
We live away and both go back to work after Christmas whereas they don't work. There is no other time we could have them until dp gets a weekend off later in Jan.
I feel really embarrased reading all your comments - you are probably right I should stop being selfish.

Layla here is some good advice- just accept it with good grace and a genuine smile on your face. You will feel much better about the whole thing.
Concentrate on having a lovely day with your parents and your family

But Layla they have a right to have Christmas how they like it to. Some people like having Christmas in their own homes.

Take Carmenere's advice, its good advice

Surely the grandparents should decide what they would like to do....nobody elses business. They may choose to stay at yours.

You are absolutely right - just feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment and was disappointed that after the year we have had we would be on our owns this Christmas (my parents are going to my brothers). I should however see it as a positive thing and will come up with some ideas as to what we can do to make it really different and special.

PS. BIL's step children will be at their dad's as usual - BIL and SIL always spend the day on their owns.
Don't want to put MIL in a difficult position so will just tell them that it is absolutely fine.

It is their turn Their older kids may have suggested it because they feel left out.Have a quieter xmas this year and be grateful you have family over at all Some people have no one at xmas

Well done! Now do you have any close friends that could stop by? Why not have an open house type affair in the evening? Have friends and neighbors over for a while. By then people are starting to get bored and are looking for something to do

Layla I can see where you're coming from.

When BIL wanted a quiet christmas then it was fine for IL's to come to you. Now he wants them to go for dinner, so your feelings somehow don't matter. Lets not forget that at the root of this you actually like having them and want to have them with you. Yes ok they are BIL's parents too and have been to you for the last 6 years. But you shouldn't be ashamed of wanting them to come round at all.

Any way you could have them round in the evening. Perhaps do a light snack and have some quality time with them on Christmas night? Or how about dinner with them on Boxing Day. Then you have something to look forward to.

(FWIW MIL may actually want to come to you too. So just think that this year she'll go to BIL's, but you can make sure you get your invitation in early for next year )

So have they invited you?
It seems a bit sad that they know you spend eery Xmas ith your parents and then they haven't invited your family.
My sister invited my parents last year but when mum said she'd already asked my brother and his family she said she couldn't do it for that many and my mum ended up having everyone!

good point dooley

you invited BIL round to yours didn't you? have they invited you along with the IL's this year? do they know that you haven't got your parents there this year?

(sorry lots of questions!)

No they haven't invited us. They know that we are going to be on our owns this year. SIL is very singleminded and last year we had to do the 2 hour drive to theirs with the children for tea the day after boxing day and they did not invite us to stay over so we had to do a 2 hour drive home that night which was too much with a toddler and a 4 month old. WE did it because otherwise we wouldn't have seen them over Christmas. We tend to fit in round them usually because it is easier.
All the posts seem to think I am being v selfish (and I am) it just annoys me that I had everything organised and MIL and I knew what was happening and then they decide they want to do something different and plans have to be changed.
DP and I have been going through a rough patch and we found out over the weekend the dd2's kidney function is not improving and we are being referred to specialists and I suppose I just got over emotional and selfish about wanting the usual thing at christmas.

I don't think you're being selfish in the slightest.

I think BIL and SIL seem to be the selfish inconsiderate ones in all of this.

You deserve to have a lovely happy family christmas too.