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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I get her back?

22 replies

Fino1 · 02/06/2021 01:14

Hi all. I'm a married man who is separated from my wife and have been apart for the best part of five months. Shes my best friend and I miss her terribly. We have been seeing each other but I broke her trust and did the one thing she so desperately wanted me not to do (not cheating or violence) again last week and she has said that that's it. I had a few beers last week and said some unkind things and it has taken her right back to the nastiness in early January. That was the first time since Jan. I love her and she tells me she loves me but can't be with me. Any chance of a female perspective on this 🙏? Thank you

OP posts:

bitheby · 02/06/2021 01:16

What did you do?

AttaGirrrrl · 02/06/2021 01:18

You “broke her trust”, “did the one thing she so desperately wanted you not to” and “said some unkind things” last week. There was also “some nastiness” back in January?

Female perspective: leave her alone.

LondonCrone · 02/06/2021 01:19

You’re in a tough spot, because essentially you’ve proven that you can’t change in the ways she needs you to — now, no matter how much you insist that you can be different, she won’t believe you.

Make it clear that you love her and want to be with her and let her go. Try to be the man she needs you to be, with no expectations that she’ll come back. Maybe, if you can successfully show you’ve changed, she’ll come back. But it has to be a decision she herself makes, with no pressure from you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2021 01:21

So you drink and become abusive? Is that correct?

Original poster

Fino1 · 02/06/2021 01:22

I was rude to her again after I had been drinking. Spent five months abstinent then boom... I put her back in that room.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2021 01:24

'Rude' 'nastiness'. Specifically what did you say and do?

Original poster

Fino1 · 02/06/2021 01:24

More than once is enough. Yes I have been. Not always. Actively tried to stop and have. First time I tried again it happened again

OP posts:

Original poster

Fino1 · 02/06/2021 01:26

I told her that we are separated and that she had no right to be questioning me etc... I swore at her

OP posts:

SilentPanic · 02/06/2021 01:26

Give up alcohol completely, forever, whether she takes you back or not. You're using it as an excuse to be unkind. You can control your words and actions, even when drunk, but why give yourself an excuse?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2021 01:27

OK so my advice would be to forget the relationship for the next two years. Seek help with your alcohol problem. If you become abusive you have to give up forever. Then get help to work out why you have a problem with drinking and becoming abusive. Do not have any relationship at all for the first year at least. Work on your own stuff.

It's not about your marriage, it's about you. You need support.

Original poster

Fino1 · 02/06/2021 01:30

I had given up for five months and thought that I could control it as a one off last week. Evidently not

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2021 01:32

Nope. That voice lies to you. No more forever.

And contemplate this, that you chose to drink knowing you do this. So on some level you wanted to be abusive and alcohol is the excuse. Get skilled help and be honest.

Original poster

Fino1 · 02/06/2021 01:34

Thanks for your comments. I sort of knew that this was the case and am having counselling etc... Thanks for your help

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2021 01:45

You have a serious drinking problem and it will destroy any relationship you ever have. You need to focus on staying sober. That's your job now. As for your wife, leave her alone and let her try to heal from your abuse. You need to accept that fact that you've blown it and your marriage is over.

Onthedunes · 02/06/2021 02:24

Why would you want to inflict your problem onto her.

Drinking in any relationship is unbelievably hard for anyone who has to put up with an acholic's behaviour. It's no life and she has made her boundary clear, you failed the test and ontop of that abused her verbally when she pointed this out to you.

Let her be.
Surely you can understand she does not want this in her life, give her the gift of freedom from you, if you really love her you will do this.

MadMadMadamMim · 02/06/2021 02:32

I don't think you can get her back.

At some point you made the (sober) choice to do the one thing she desperately did not want me to do. I'm assuming that is drink and that this is what originally led to your separation.

Even if it was attend the ballet wearing a clown wig - at some point you made a conscious decision to take part in the activity that had caused your relationship break down and that you presumably knew was an utter deal breaker to her.

She'd be insane to take you back, honestly. You'd gone five months but presumably thought you knew better. I don't think you are ready to admit that you can never touch alcohol again. And I don't imagine that if you do admit this is the case that your wife will believe you can do it.

I think she's had enough.

1forAll74 · 02/06/2021 03:31

Some people have a personal level.of how much they can take, with certain issues within a relationship/ marriage. Some people will stick around. and hope that things will change for the better.

If it's an alcohol problem with a partner, it truly makes life a worry,and a miserable existence for the other person, as it may mean, that this is how things are always going to be, if someone can't control their drinking, so no good future to look forward to.

It's too difficult to predict if you can get your wife back, It depends on how you are going to deal with any drink problems, and how much trust your partner has in you changing things that cause annoyance and upsets to her, and to think how much you value her, and value your marriage.

SwordofGryffindor · 02/06/2021 03:41

You can't be happy with anyone unless happy yourself. Get some help and go to AA. Put her mentally in a box to the side. Look after you first.

AnyFucker · 02/06/2021 03:41

Hopefully not. For her sake.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 02/06/2021 04:06

If she has any sense she won't get back together with you. Being with an alcoholic is soul destroying and you're in active addiction so the best thing for her is to stay away from you. If you genuinely love her you'll respect that and keep away.

MinorCharacter · 02/06/2021 04:44

I’m not sure why you think other women would advise an alcoholic on how to re-entrap a woman who’s managed to leave him?

I mean, do you want her back enough to quit drinking now, n the knowledge that you will never be able to have another drink, ever, and that you should not even contemplate contacting her until you’re a couple of years sober?

romdowa · 02/06/2021 04:45

You really can't be in a relationship while you are active in your addiction. You need treatment for your addiction and that will never be successful until you can admit to your self that you can never drink again. Not one drop. While you hold the belief that you can have just one, then you are still just lying to yourself, even in this post you have tried to minimise your actions while under the influence.

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