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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Coercive control?

4 replies

kittyc56 · 02/06/2021 00:35

My godson is 26 and a really lovely young man.He’s a only child and his mother is one of my best friends.
In the last year he’s started a relationship with an older woman with 3 young boys. She’s separated from her husband.
I’ve noticed he doesn’t seem to be himself, quiet, a bit withdrawn and not his usual happy self.
I asked his mum if he was ok,and she broke down
Apparently he barely calls her or pops by to see her.
She told me that the new girlfriend has a tracker on his phone, told him she doesn’t like him seeing old friends and has told him to contact all his old girlfriends to say he’s in a relationship.
He’s becoming a Muslim because that’s her religion. He’s not allowed to stay when her children are around( I guess that’s ok) and also she doesn’t want her exes to know about him ( she’s been married twice before)
According to my friend they have gone through a ritual that means they’re married in a Muslim sense.
The girlfriend has rang his mother to say that she’s controlling him(!)

and she’s to stop calling him.
He’s no longer on social media and doesn’t see any of his old friends.

Apparently they are always fighting and making up and he’s besotted with her.
She’s ten years older than him, quite beautiful, and never still.
What’s going on here?
He’s such a great guy , but his mum is distraught.

Any ideas? Does his mum try and intervene or stand by and watch this car crash happen?
He’s really changed, anxious and tense.. awful.

OP posts:
Justa47 · 02/06/2021 05:39

@kittyc56

She should meet him for a lunch alone ( she can say it’s about inheritance planning etc) and talk to him.

BigHeadBertha · 02/06/2021 06:36

I don't think there's much a parent can do when a grown child makes decisions that the parent doesn't like.

This romance doesn't sound very solid though so maybe he will soon be disenchanted and it will end.

I guess I'd advise the friend to just be on standby and try to get on with her own life in the meantime. Be pleasant and welcoming when he does come to visit. Be someone he can turn to, not another problem for him right now, in other words.

And remember, you are only getting half the story.

updownroundandround · 02/06/2021 07:16

There's not much she can do except keep the lines of communication open with her son.
Any attempts at 'discrediting' this woman will fall on deaf ears at the moment.
I'd advise her to keep contacting her son, but to avoid saying anything negative about this woman, because this could backfire badly.

Keep all contacts regular and 'light', ensuring that he knows she's always got his back. (e.g ''If you're happy, then I'm happy, because that's all I ever want for you. I'll always be here for you.)
Get her to regularly invite both of them for lunches etc, because if the woman is always 'included' then she can't say ''Your Mum hates me'' etc

In time, hopefully he'll come to realise that she's abusive and leave her.

Shelddd · 02/06/2021 07:18

Difficult but it doesn't sound like relationship with last. Just hopefully he doesn't get her pregnant. I wouldn't know what to do.

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