Experiences with harassment / stalking?

[harassed0]

I was with DP for 2 years, very on and off, emotionally abusive. Each time we split up he would make contact through any means possible, this included turning up at my house at all hours of the night and letting himself in using the key I had given him. Sending me bank transfers with messages in the reference, emails etc.

Finally broke things off permanently at the beginning of May. He has been emailing me incessantly since, despite me going no contact and not responding for 3 weeks. The last email I sent said 'If you don't stop harassing me I will report you to the police.' Today he found a new instagram I had made and messaged me on there. I blocked him, no response. Then I get 2 emails from him (I have blocked his emails, but they still go to my junk), saying he has sent me flowers that will arrive on Friday and he's going to be walking near my home town as I will 'engage with him in person.' Then saying he won't bother to pop by and he hopes I enjoy the flowers. Thankfully he doesn't have the key to my house anymore, but I am worried he will show up randomly or at my hobbies, work place etc. I am feeling quite intimidated and scared. I have thought about reporting him to the police, but I am just worried it will stoke the fire more so to speak. I'm hoping by not responding he will eventually leave me alone.

Has anyone got any experience of this type of behaviour?

I have had a stalker. It got very nasty. I moved in the end. Use your instincts to guide decision-making. Block him on every channel and stop using social media for a while. Never reply to any messages as any attention is good attention to a stalker. He may start fake profiles to follow you, so don't fuel that fire on social media. Do tell friends and family so trusted people can advise you, and be aware. Please tell the police. You may not be the first person to be a victim of his behaviour. Stalkers tend to be obsessive and controlling persons who track your movements, so change your routine, route home and so on. If he sends you gifts then return them to the supplier, but take a photo beforehand as evidence. Change the locks on all doors in your house. It is a simple task and you can see how on youtube.

Please contact these people. You need expert advice.

www.suzylamplugh.org/

So sorry this is happening. I have had an ex like this and it's so unsettling.

You could think about contacting woman's aid:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

They should know what to do. I'd also go with the previous posters suggestion and change your locks ASAP.

[quote R0SEMARY]Please contact these people. You need expert advice.

www.suzylamplugh.org/[/quote]
I think this charity potentially saved my life. Please, please, please call them. They are incredible.

I have had this and more
I have a non mol order

See a solicitor he is crossing a line

I had the bank transfer thing from my ex , so creepy! He also Turned up at 10 pm one night and threatens to turn up if I stop speaking to him, I’m hoping to eventually move, I’ve looked into non molestation etc but I don’t want to go to court

I live in a village and go to the local shop most days - this man always seemed to appear in the shop or outside and strike up a conversation. (he lived opposite the shop) He would walk past my house several times a day and would always seem to 'bump into each other'. We ended up dating and he confessed that he took photos of me when I went to the shop and he had a drone that he used in the summer when I was sunbathing - It made me feel so unnerved

@tinysundancer

I live in a village and go to the local shop most days - this man always seemed to appear in the shop or outside and strike up a conversation. (he lived opposite the shop) He would walk past my house several times a day and would always seem to 'bump into each other'. We ended up dating and he confessed that he took photos of me when I went to the shop and he had a drone that he used in the summer when I was sunbathing - It made me feel so unnerved

Jesus that is unhinged What happened ?

tinysundancer

That reminds me of a man that use to live near me, I would see him everywhere and he would walk past my house up and down several times a day, he started saying hello to me but I wasn’t interested in him as I just had a baby with my ex but he knew he wasn’t around, one day I saw him and he started chatting to me and following me, he then past a shop and said wait there I’m just getting something, I quickly panicked and ran home and when I got home he was outside my door, he had gotten there before me so many creepy guys!

To add I had taken a different way as I didn’t want him to catch up with me but he had obviously ran the other way and got there first 😐

I have been in this position and there was violence so I had to get an interdict so he’d be arrested if he came near me, this included not calling me either or getting third parties to contact me on his behalf, this was something he did regularly.

You can only get an interdict if there is a police report of harassment and I think it must be more than one report, or at least in 2006 there had to be. Start noting times and dates down of phone calls, emails, bank transfers, etc and always transfer the cash right back to him, and then take this to the police, make a complaint and then get a solicitor for the interdict. As much as these things can make abusive men mad then it’s tough shit because it’s the only way to stop the behaviour and it shows him you mean business.

Good luck.

There is also a national stalking helpline.

This guy sounds particularly bad op so I would definately go to the police.

Showing you have other people who have your back (especially authority figures) and are not slow to ask for help is the best way to protect against these sorts. They want you to feel and be isolated because then they are more of a threat to you.

Often authority figures are the only ones capable of getting these sorts to back off.

You may also find he has previous similar cases against him, considering how persistent he has been.

Speak to some professionals on the links ppl gave given for advice. And seriously consider telling the police.

Well you told him you would go to the police if he didn't stop and he hasn't stopped, so what are you waiting for? Go to the police.

@Cleverpolly3

He became obsessed - used to phone and message 11.30pm oe in the night then he ghosted me and is with someone else now. Trouble is I feel I can no longer go to the local shop because he is still in the village
He has put a black block up blind in his bedroom window that is always down. I remember seeing binoculars in his house as well - nothing wrong with that if you are into bird watching but he wasn't

PLEASE take this seriously.

There is a lot of evidence that stalking can lead to much more danger. Professor Jane Monckton Smith is an expert on this and talks of escalating risk / 8 steps (below). This article is good too. www.theguardian.com/society/2021/feb/21/jane-monckton-smith-in-control-domestic-abuse-murder-public-protection

Eight Stages

1. Pre relationship history: criminal record, allegations
2. Early relationship behaviours: early commitment
3. Relationship behaviours: risk markers
4. Potential homicide trigger: separation, ill health, financial

problems, threats or rumours

1. Escalation – frequency, seriousness, stalking, persistence
2. Change in thinking –
3. Planning – buying weapons, grave digging, manipulate

meetings, letters, organize papers

1. Homicide – homicide/suicide, confession, missing person,

denial, accident, multiple victims

And just to add - the full slide deck on the 8 stages is here (Start on slide 10). This should be compulsory reading for everyone starting a new relationship. There are way too many terrifying men (and women) out there.

www.womensaid.ie/assets/files/pdf/jane_monckton_smith_powerpoint_2018_compatibility_mode.pdf

Please, please contact the police. There is more chance of a successful conviction for stalking these days, and it is taken much more seriously. I have been through this myself. Back in the 70s, I had a creepy boyfriend, and when I ended it with him, the phone calls started in the small hours, no speaking. Then the Interflora van would arrive. Then he would park his motorbike outside the house and disappear. Then he set fire to my car. The following week, he set fire to it again. The police became involved. He got done for damaging my property, and came out of court with some fairly minor non-custodial conviction. That night, he hurled a large brick through our window, and later on my beloved cat went missing. He got a conditional discharge that time and was threatened with a stretch inside if he came near me again.

The thing was, it was all about property damage, and no conviction for the stalking. Certainly no compensation for the mental trauma and nightmares I still get from time to time.

He would be an old man now, but if I ever saw him, I would kill him. No question.

Yes, I have been in the same situation as you; you're feeling intimidated and scared because that's exactly what this behaviour is designed to you. He's trying to escalate the emotionally abusive behaviour that you were victim of when you were in the relationship because he feels like he's losing control. I'm going to give you the advice that I was given and I really wish I'd taken much earlier, please save every message and take them to the police. Then if he contacts you again go to the police again. For me it's the only thing that made the behaviour stop. I thought that by keeping my head down and ignoring it eventually the behaviour would stop but it didn't; in fact it escalated because ultimately I wasn't doing what he wanted me to- he thought if he kept upping the ante eventually I'd relent and back down. Eventually he was following me and turning up at my work and sitting outside my flat whilst I wasn't there. It was terrifying. It's an attempt to bully you, and bullies tend to become cowards when confronted by someone with more power, such as the police. I know its frightening, and you're worried reporting it will make it worse, but you can't pussy foot with behaviour like this. Harassment is illegal and you have every right to end a relationship without living in fear and stress.

@@Cleverpolly3
Strangely enough I noticed he has parked his car behind mine for the past two days - there are plenty of other places he can park - outside his house, village car park - this has unnerved me today - its almost like saying 'I am here' 'Feel my presence'

I have experienced this OP. I went to the police, and they spoke to him. He stopped then.