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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless relationship but desperate for a family

24 replies

gemimapduck37 · 01/06/2021 20:00

Hi,
I’m in desperate need of some advice, I’m so lost & don’t know what to do....so here goes...

DP & I met 11 years ago, after 5 years together I ended things - I was desperate to start a family & settle down but our initial vibrant sex life became non existent pretty quickly - I was lucky if I got anything twice a year! The lack of sex was the source of all our arguments, He said he wasn’t sexually attracted to me & that it didn’t feel right so our relationship ended. We remained friends, he was & still is my best friend, this is why I’m finding this so hard, I just don’t know what to do.
Anyway, three years passed & during this time I started seeing someone else & contact stopped. Something happened & we ended up back in touch, met up & decided to give things another go. I said if this was going to work things needed to change, I still wanted to have a family, he promised things would be different, but here I am now, an unmarried, childless 37year old woman in a sexless relationship. He now says he just doesn’t get the urge, I’ve asked him to speak to someone, get some viagra or try a diy AI - anything! He says he will but never does. I’m so hurt that nothing has changed, I care so much for this man & he is still my best friend when things are good, but I’m back to where I was all those years ago & don’t know what to do. The thought of not having him in my life breaks me but I’m getting older & still want to have a family. Am also scared I’m too old to meet someone new & start a family.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Thanks for reading, really appreciate any thoughts. x

OP posts:
merryhouse · 01/06/2021 20:03

Why are you in a relationship if he's not sexually attracted to you?

Dalmationcoat · 01/06/2021 20:05

Honestly, I think you can do so much better. Don’t tie yourself to this man because you want a baby. It’ll end in tears

HollowTalk · 01/06/2021 20:05

Oh lord, give this one up, OP. He will destroy your dreams as well as your self-esteem.

Sidesaladofchips · 01/06/2021 20:07

Leave. Trust me you don't want to have kids with someone who will forever have you wondering if you are good enough, attractive enough, interesting enough.

Original poster
gemimapduck37 · 01/06/2021 20:07

That was what he said when I questioned why we didn’t have sex when we originally broke up....when we got back together we had sex, but it’s stopped again..he tells me he is sexually attracted to me, he loves me, wants to be with me

OP posts:
IndecentCakes · 01/06/2021 20:10

I'd strongly advise you to end it now and concentrate your energies on dating very selectively until you meet someone suitable. That sounds a bit stuffy, but obviously you've got maybe 5 years to do the family thing, so you need to be fairly ruthless in looking for what you really want. Paid sites can often be better. Your man is out there. It isn't this chap.

hatcoatscarfalcohol · 01/06/2021 20:10

The thought of not having him in my life breaks me but I’m getting older & still want to have a family. Am also scared I’m too old to meet someone new & start a family.

You sound like a deer frozen in the beams of a car's headlights. Every direction is scary so it doesn't move at all and gets hit by the car.

Your situation is tough and scary too, and nobody can post anything here to magic that away, but if you don't act at all ...

SteveArnottsCodeine · 01/06/2021 20:10

Everyone I know who has started from this place ends up getting their heart broken. Sex should be something you want to do- you do, he doesn’t. He may be asexual, may be gay, may just not fancy you ....but whichever one of those (or something else) he is, you deserve much, much better. You’re not too old. All you’re “too” is too good for this situation.

HollowTalk · 01/06/2021 20:11

OP, have you heard of the sunk costs fallacy, where you feel you've invested so much into a relationship that you shouldn't stop now?

You're 37. You need to act quickly. This isn't the man who can make you happy. He can't even be arsed to see a doctor to see why he doesn't want sex.

Justa47 · 01/06/2021 20:11

@gemimapduck37

Fill for you. Go buy some blue pills OTC and put them on the table and make him talk.

SomewhereInAnotherLife · 01/06/2021 20:15

OP, this is really sad. Look, I know you love him but be honest - can you really see yourself happily spending the next 30 years of your life with someone like this? Wouldn’t you like a true partner? Someone who truly has your best interests at heart? Or alternatively, wouldn’t you rather build a fabulous life for yourself and have a baby alone? Because both of those options sounds a damn sign more appealing than staying with this man who constantly says one thing and does another.

5475878237NC · 01/06/2021 20:17

He doesn't want to want sex, he just doesn't want to lose you as his best friend OP. That's why he never takes any action. After all you've been through it's pretty clear the status quo is how he wants it.

Umberellatheweatha · 01/06/2021 20:40

If you aren't mature enough (and dont love yourself enough) to end a relationship that is not working for you then you arent mature enough to have kids.

Kids deserve parents and role models who have self respect and make good choices.

Kids are not a human right. Just because I want to be a millionaire, doesnt mean it's the path in life for me. And tbf, I don't work nearly hard enough to deserve to be one. But its fine, there are other things in life.

Focus your energies into making healthy choices for yourself. And what is, not what may or may not come to pass.

Unsure33 · 01/06/2021 20:49

What about as a start he does a male hormone test on medicheck?

If he won’t get any type of help though I think you are in a pretty difficult place tbh .

AgeLikeWine · 01/06/2021 20:49

He has got exactly what he wants : a sexless relationship with his best friend.

You haven’t got what you want : a family.

If you do nothing, this is how it will always be, so if you want the situation to change you have to make it change, because he certainly isn’t going to, and he is never going to give you the family you want, because that isn’t what he wants.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
gemimapduck37 · 01/06/2021 21:08

Thank you everyone, you’ve really helped, I appreciate all your comments - even the comment about maturity - which btw I consider myself mature & a good role model to my nieces, I have a very good job, own my own home, I’m just in a crappy fight against my head & heart - it happens. Thanks again x

OP posts:
candle18 · 01/06/2021 23:21

Is he on any medication that could affect his sex drive?

duffmcstockings · 01/06/2021 23:39

@IndecentCakes

I'd strongly advise you to end it now and concentrate your energies on dating very selectively until you meet someone suitable. That sounds a bit stuffy, but obviously you've got maybe 5 years to do the family thing, so you need to be fairly ruthless in looking for what you really want. Paid sites can often be better. Your man is out there. It isn't this chap.
This
duffmcstockings · 01/06/2021 23:40

@Umberellatheweatha

If you aren't mature enough (and dont love yourself enough) to end a relationship that is not working for you then you arent mature enough to have kids.

Kids deserve parents and role models who have self respect and make good choices.

Kids are not a human right. Just because I want to be a millionaire, doesnt mean it's the path in life for me. And tbf, I don't work nearly hard enough to deserve to be one. But its fine, there are other things in life.

Focus your energies into making healthy choices for yourself. And what is, not what may or may not come to pass.

This too
duffmcstockings · 01/06/2021 23:42

Gosh. Everything I want to say on Mumsnet is said more succinctly by someone smarter than me.

Redruby2020 · 01/06/2021 23:43

@gemimapduck37

That was what he said when I questioned why we didn’t have sex when we originally broke up....when we got back together we had sex, but it’s stopped again..he tells me he is sexually attracted to me, he loves me, wants to be with me
Okay, but didn't he tell you the first time around that he wasn't sexually attracted to you? You've given it another go, it's time to let this one go.
Enough4me · 02/06/2021 00:09

I would have cracked years ago, you've no DCs forcing you to remain and a partner who doesn't meet your fundamental needs.

I agree about selective dating, set your requirements based upon your boundaries and needs, find a good one then lots of sex. Breaking up and starting again can be lots of fun and hopefully lead to DC.

MMmomDD · 02/06/2021 01:12

In your place - if you wanted to have a child on your own - or with him as a friend/co-parent - I’d just ask him directly if he is up for that.
And then get an ovulation monitor and some blue pills for him. Take sex out of equation for now. If he says he wants to have a child with you - he can masturbate into a cup.

If he doesn’t want to have a child - or doesn’t support his words with actions - I’d think of my options.
You can try to date but realistically it’ll be quite pressured to date under such pressure to find and audition a father of your child.
Alternatively - you can use a sperm bank to get a baby first. And then date without time pressure after that.

Sunflower1970 · 10/06/2021 22:45

Why did you get back with a man who said he wasn’t sexually attracted to you?

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