Ex messing his gf around at my expense?

[crazymicrowave123]

My ex and I share our 19 month old son together so we see each other twice a week to drop off our son. He has a gf who he has been with for over a year now I believe and I have remained single since the split.)

At the beginning of their relationship about 4 months after our split he would constantly flirt with me and try things on even though he had a girlfriend but I would just ignore his advances, and then he completely stopped so I assumed he was taking his relationship seriously. We are friendly (always banter and completely cordial, no boundaries crossed on his end since).

Recently he came over to drop off our son and was flirting with me excessively and told me not to worry about his girlfriend, as she's waiting for marriage to have sex which he doesn't want to do. Then he kissed me and started grabbing me and trying to have sex with me (then I pushed him off.)

He was then saying how he wants to propose me and him having sex with no feelings involved until him and her marry just for his sexual urges. Then after I refused and said no he begged me not to tell anyone be it friends or family and that he regrets what he did and has no idea what came over him saying he loves his gf and wants to marry her and he didn't mean anything he said or the kiss.

He left to go on a date with her (scum), and now wants me to meet her and for her to meet our son and is pushing for an engagement. I absolutely do not want to meet her or for her to meet our son as they most definitely won't last due to obvious reasons, but I also don't want to get involved in their relationship or tell her what he did.

I feel so guilty even though he kissed me and was the one grabbing my body and flirting with me and I don't want her to meet our son because I really don't think he loves her, although he said he does and that it was just because he was horny and having to go without sex why he made advances to me. Am I wrong in not saying anything to her or asking that she not meet me or my son? We both agreed that we wouldn't bring people around our son unless it was 100% serious. And I'm so upset that he is trying to use me for his sexual urges because he is unhappy with the dynamic of his relationship with his gf. What do I do?

If it's completely over between you and him and it looks like she could be around your son in the future I would tell her. You don't want all that uncomfortableness being picked up upon by your son who could end up confused if he still carries on flirting with you whilst seeing her. I'd also pay a boundary to the ex that the gf could see the son once they're married and stable for a decent length of time.

Oh yuck he is vile.

You unfortunately don't get much input as to who he introduces your child to during contact. However, it would be a cold day in hell before I agreed to meet her.

He is the problem, not her.

If you tell her she will assume that you are lying out of jealousy, after all you have been single since.

I wouldnt get involved with her, however you cant stop your ex introducing her to your son. Regarding your relationship with him it now needs to be strictly drop off and pick ups as you cant trust him. You need to hand over at the door and him do the same. Very limited interaction.

Eww he is gross.

Think I'd be tempted to move as far away as possible. Well, two hours away would be ideal. Because its far enough away that he wont be assed to make the journey to see the kid regularly and not far enough away that he could attempt 'oh I need somewhere to stay tonight rather than drive home late'.

If you do say anything to her I'd say 'so the ex was telling me you want to remain a virgin until marriage and I just thought it was really rude of him to tell me stuff like that, it's none of my buisness. So maybe you want to have a word with him. Because he is not my problem anymore. But he seems to disrespect your privacy and if it were me I would want to know'.

Eww he’s nasty!
However, it’s not your decision who he chooses to introduce to his child or when.
I personally, wouldn’t want to meet her myself.

@Umberellatheweatha

Eww he is gross.

Think I'd be tempted to move as far away as possible. Well, two hours away would be ideal. Because its far enough away that he wont be assed to make the journey to see the kid regularly and not far enough away that he could attempt 'oh I need somewhere to stay tonight rather than drive home late'.

If you do say anything to her I'd say 'so the ex was telling me you want to remain a virgin until marriage and I just thought it was really rude of him to tell me stuff like that, it's none of my buisness. So maybe you want to have a word with him. Because he is not my problem anymore. But he seems to disrespect your privacy and if it were me I would want to know'.

Funny he doesn't live close by, he lives almost 2 hours away, he only came in this time to drop off some stuff in the house for our son, normally we stick to drop offs at the door, so I think he took this opportunity to try his advances. I haven't met her yet nor do I have any way of contacting her. I just feel like he's shit for what he's doing to her and I'm dreading her meeting me or our son in case their relationship goes belly up and then my son is introduced to another girlfriend if this doesn't work out.

@BingBongToTheMoon that's fair enough but we both agreed we'd wait at least a year to bring someone around our child and that we'd be serious. He said he expects the same of me and wouldn't want me to bring anyone around our son unless he has met them, and I have respected that. If he choses to bring her around our son, nothing I can do but it just sucks knowing he doesn't even love her and that he flirts with me in front of our son confusing him.

Pick ups and drop offs take place on the doorstep or neutral locations. He does not come inside your home and vice versa.

Not sure what you mean by "banter", but is it appropriate in a co-parenting relationship with someone who has severe boundary issues and no respect for women? If it were me, I would be stepping back.

Don't spend any more time alone with someone who's just shown he can't be trusted not to sexually assault you.

I think you need to separate out his gross behaviour from his relationship with his son.
I think it would be very unfair to your son to do what @Welikebeingcosy suggests and try and stop her from meeting his partner til they're married for a while. This would mean your son couldn't visit his dad's home and imagine being a child and finding out your dad got married without introducing you to his partner!

I think you need to detach a bit and just talk to him about his son. He's relationship is none of your business.

Also as the poster above says, what you describe is sexual assault not flirting.

I would report him to the police for sexual assault. He was trying to force himself on you. He's a disgusting pig.

He's revolting.
Since he's behaved so inappropriately I don't think you can have the 'banter' sort of relationship. He's assaulted you.

There's absolutely no point telling her. You'll be the crazy ex who wants him back and she'll believe him because they do. How many 'crazy exes' do you either read about on here, be they the 'crazy ex' themselves or the new woman who's supporting her man with all his crazy exes 🙄.

All you can do is make it very clear that if he assaults you again you will report it and limit your conversation to child arrangements only.

Yes that’s assault, forget the girlfriend she isn’t your issue. Your issue is how you remove yourself from him and stay physically safe.

@KylieKoKo I suggested that on the assumption they didn't live together but if they do live together then that's a different story.

He assaulted you by the sounds of things so I’d personally be considering calling the police.

You need to have a middleman deal with drop offs, I don’t think seeing each other is going to work out for the time being. He’s a twat.

Hope you won't be continuing to have 'banter' with someone who assaulted you, then begged for your silence after doing so? Meet in public or on the doorstep in future.
Its good you are away from him, but I think it would be a wise move to meet her before she gets introduced to your son, which could just as easily happen with or without you having met. I get that you might think avoiding seeing her will stop that, but I think most people would likely go ahead with an introduction regardless. By meeting her you can suss out the dynamics, see how he behaves in front of her, and if you get her alone, maybe ask her if it's true that she has a no sex before marriage rule? That would be enough to put the cat amongst the pigeons, because he has no business telling you that. If it's a total lie, you may well be able to gauge that from her reaction, or she may confirm it. Either way, it doesn't make you necessarily look like a jealous ex to ask that, but it shows her he's too willing to spill his guts to you about personal stuff.