Help with in laws relationship

[Pleasedontsayyouloveme]

Have a LO who is 10 months and have recently realised the relationship with PIL isn't working well for us.

Communication is only ever very short by message, never on the phone, and generally formal sit downs over cups of tea seem to be the preference for PIL. During lockdowns we basically haven't seen them, meeting up for a walk with others isn't something they've been doing.

However, then restrictions ease, and they seem incredibly eager to meet up for this formal sit down over a cup of tea. In the last two months there have been occasional messages with DH and they haven't once asked after me or LO. I don't understand why they then seem so eager to see us. I don't really want to see them to be honest...and if I ask DH if he wants to see them he says he isn't bothered either

I overthink and worry too much. I feel bad that we don't really want to see them and would be crushed if they saw this, but I can't help how I feel. All I can think to do is try and force an afternoon out somewhere to change the dynamic, I don't know what else we could do.

Any advice on how we can try to change the dynamic? If we speak to them about it, what do we say? The overthinking is at play and I'm worried about upsetting them too!

Ime leave the whole thing to dh. Don't jolly him along into plans he doesn't want to make.

Don’t force it, exactly. It’s his parents, you don’t need to feel guilty if he can’t be arsed.

Thanks both. MIL always messages me to arrange something, it's the only time I hear from them. What do I do, not reply to her and tell DH to deal with it? I expect the dynamic won't change if I leave it up to him as he can take it or leave it...

I think if you want to encourage a relationship between PIL and your DC then I would suggest meeting somewhere else for a coffee and cake or afternoon tea and perhaps going for a walk afterwards if everyone is having a decent time.

Can ye not just go along with their suggestion and have the cup of tea. Ye don't need to spend ages but just just do it especially as its the first time after lockdown. Sounds like they are pretty set in their ways and are not going to change. But because the lockdown has been so hard on people l would go along with their suggestion for now.

I don't quite get it. Your husband's parents are cold, distant and formal but want a short visit now, after the pandemic. But he doesn't really feel enough of a connection with them even for that and would rather just cut the ties.

Is that the situation?

In general, I've learned I'm a lot happier to keep communication between the direct relationship ties when things start to get messy.

So I'd definitely duck out of the middle of this one. Sending the message your mother in law sent to your husband. Then texting your mother-in-law back to say "Hi MIL. I've sent your text on to [husband's name]." That gives her the message that you don't consider yourself the go-between and also keeps you from being the piggy in the middle if he doesn't answer her.

I wouldn’t overthink it too much - go for tea and leave it at that?

Unless you really want things to improve? Then maybe you could suggest alternatives or invite them to do different things? Call them up for example and suggest meeting at a park, or coming to stay, or babysitting?

They might be desperate to do all of that and not know how to broach it with your husband?

@junebirthdaygirl

Can ye not just go along with their suggestion and have the cup of tea. Ye don't need to spend ages but just just do it especially as its the first time after lockdown. Sounds like they are pretty set in their ways and are not going to change. But because the lockdown has been so hard on people l would go along with their suggestion for now.

Hi, I’m thinking like junebirthdaygirl, if this is ‘their way’ what’s the matter with that. If you never heard from them would that be another black mark? Perhaps it’s their age,....any visitors at all, ‘you put the kettle on’ heck my darling Mum was like that...come on in, I’ll just put the kettle on. Or, as another poster has suggested, invite them out for a walk, stopping for coffee etc, at least they are wanting contact, build on it. Good luck

Thank you for replying, this is helping me to figure out my feelings a bit more!

I feel very confused to be honest. The way they don't seem that interested in keeping in touch but suddenly then want to see us within a day or two of messaging, it feels like a summons.

I have been going along with it since DH and I have been together, but now we have LO I am re evaluating and realising I really don't enjoy it. I am all for sitting and drinking tea but it feels so formal and like we are playing host as opposed to catching up with each other. They can be very non PC and DH is going to speak to them about this, he usually ignores it and I offer a different perspective to challenge them at the time, but with LO around now it just needs to stop.

At the moment I feel like what we do works for PIL and not for us. I want to address that balance, make it more informal and less pressured. DH wouldn't want to go no contact, but equally he isn't fussed about seeing them 🤷🏽‍♀️ As he grew up he only saw his DGM at special occasions eg. Xmas, Easter and his family don't talk about feelings and aren't at all huggy etc. Nor are mine but they are much more so than DH's side in comparison. At the moment I don't think they'll have much of a relationship with LO just because the current set up isn't conducive to that...

You won’t be able to achieve what you want re his parents as they are not built that way. His parents act like because they can and it works for them. Let your husband take the lead here re the relationship with his parents and do not further force or try and fix a relationship that has likely not been present to start with.

If his parents are also cold distant and formal would you want your child to see them all that often ?. Your child needs emotionally healthy grandparents and if your parents are nice then I would concentrate my efforts further on them.

I realise there is a lot going on here, but am I missing something? What is wrong with having a cup of tea with them? Why do you call it formal?

I would have thought win-win, quick cup of tea and bye! Job done.

OP - not sure why you need to make this all about you. The way your PIL are is set - this is how they have always been and how your H has grown up. This is similar to how his relationship with his grand parents was like.
You say your family isn’t like them, but that is not relevant here. People can be different. There doesn’t need to be a judgement.
These grandparents won’t be the kind to sit on the floor, playing with the baby. But this isn’t different from many older grandparents.

Is it really that difficult to get some cake and make tea when they come? You don’t have to sit and be formal as you have a baby to entertain. You can leave H to catch up with them in the way they all feel comfortable.

The reason they make plans via you is out of respect - I’d think. Women are more usually the ones keeping the family diary and your H would need to consult you anyway. When I make plans with friends I also mostly go via women as it’s the most efficient.

To summarise. Your kid has the GPS that they have. Making tea isn’t difficult. Life is too short to be making issues out of this.

My mil had warned dh years before me that she never wanted to be a dgm. Dh was a mistake and he was never allowed to forget it..
When ds arrived she backed away.
Strange as she had make effort with my existing dc. But when it came to her own dgc she wasn't interested. Think 4 holidays my dc got gifts. Ds got nothing.. Same at Xmas. Bizarre. We moved away. She complained to anyone who would listen we had cut HER off!!