Dating site advice for newbie

[givemesteel]

I've just started using Bumble as a dating site, first time, all a bit overwhelming.

But of relevant context, come out of a decade long marriage, was not my choice to end marriage (husband had affair, left for OW),so wasn't my choice being in this position. Have kids.

I get a reasonable number of matches, but then get virtually none bothering to reply to my message.

I have put on my settings that I have kids so not trying to hide that. I have also put on my settings that I don't want to match with anyone who has kids (I know this limits my options substantially but there are personal, important reasons for this and is not something I can change).

I don't want to sound arrogant but I am pretty attractive, photogenic etc. So I think I get a swipe right because of that but then they don't follow up because I have kids.

Anyone else experience this? I'm not sure I can face all these micro-rejections where you message people you match with and then just watch them all expire.

My question therefore is, is there a site where there is more of an emphasis on guys setting their preferences for who they actually want, ie if they don't want someone with kids that is what they set their preference to? I don't mind not having not having matches if the matches are actually someone where there's a point to it.

I've only been doing it a couple of days but already lost heart a bit...!

Go to this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4257677-Dating-Thread-205-dusting-off-the-gladrags
They have a wealth of experience and are very supportive.

There isn't an option to say you don't want to date anyone with kids only that you just don't want any or anymore. Most men do mention on their profile if they have children already I find. You have to be more thick skinned and think nothing of it if they don't respond, could be one of many different reasons why, don't over think it, just delete them off.
I've had plenty of matches and dates that haven't fazed the men that I have children because I'm upfront and like you, I'd prefer if they didn't have children or just the one. You quickly find this out chatting then decide if you want to date, be prepared for lots of mindless chats that go no where but in hope you find someone decent to date.

The truth of the matter is that most men who are child free don’t want to date a woman with kids. So that’s why you’re not having success. Most people don’t read profiles before. They swipe right liberally and only message people once they have a closer look at their profiles.

Tbf if you have kids and don’t want to date someone with kids you are going to struggle as most men that don’t have kids or want them themselves are obviously going to avoid a woman with kids

It's brutal, no advice other than to not let it upset you. I think the first rule from the dating thread is it's not real until it happens, keep that in mind.

I'm on bumble, I have five teenagers and have dated several guys with no kids, or grown up kids, a good amicable relationship with their dad and plenty of time to myself is much more important to men initially I think, are your kids living with you full time?

Men swipe right on nearly everyone. Don't take it personally. Online dating is brutal, it's like playing top trumps with real people, but they forget about the real part.

Thanks all. Yes I get it, most men don't want the baggage of kids when they don't have their own.

But some are OK with that, as many women have found, in mumsnet who say they've ended up with a guy with no kids. Especially if there are other trade offs that make that person overall a good prospect to them.

I don't mind if I get hardly any matches, I just want the matches to be matches. I just wish that if a guy doesn't want to date someone with kids they add that to their filter so I never even see their profile and they don't see mine.

I get it about the thick skin, but I'm just not right now. Maybe it is too soon. I don't need to meet my soulmate right now but it would be nice to do some fun things with someone nice.

misssmiley yes they are, they are much younger than yours. But when they are with their dad I do have some time and along side seeing friends I also want to get out there with what remains of my youth...!

Has anyone found other sites are better. Ie guys using filters better, not just swiping on everyone?

Nope, dating apps are all hideous! I still maintain after separating from my ExH 5 1/2 years ago and dabbling in dating apps, that meeting in real life is much better. I'm still single though, just bought a ridiculous amount of vibrators!

You can meet someone it will just be harder, I think all dating apps are the same personally so don’t think it matters too much which one you use, friends that use apps say all the same men are on every app

Oh OP don’t give up! Your parameters are narrow so it will take longer. I did OLD for over a year before meeting a keeper.

Oh good, well, it's good to know they're all as terrible as each other.....!

Yes I appreciate it will take longer, I was prepared for the ghosting, the pointless conversations and so on. I just wasn't prepared for the number of blokes who read my profile and then just think nah.

Men tend to swipe right on pretty much everyone and then filter their matches after which is what is likely happening to you due to your children. Online dating is nothing like real life dating so please don't take any of this personally.

Personally I think the best way to approach on-line dating is that its just a bit of fun. I second what another poster has said in that you do have to be thick skinned - so if you find you're taking it all a bit personally - then maybe now is not the time for you to be trying it.

Men do tend to swipe on many women then they only chat to those who interest them in some way. Unfortunately you do end up with a lot of dead end matches. The advantage with Bumble is that the women has to send the first message - unlike other apps there is no confusion over who gets to speak first. I found I got more responses from men when I asked a random question to begin with - rather than just say Hi or ask about their profile. For example I went though a phase of asking all my matches a riddle, and that tended to get more responses. Still lots of dead ends though.

Its a bit like gambling "If the fun stops - stop". Enjoy the chats when they happen, keep open minded and don't have too high expectations.

I was on a combination of Bumble/Tinder/Badoo and PoF for about 8 months. Over that time I had all the Ghosting, bread crumbing and dead end chats, but also met with some nice guys who for a multitude of reasons didn't click with - then eventually did meet a "keeper" and we've been together now just over a year.

Keep going with it - it can be a hoot - but do keep a watch on how you're feeling and stop when its no longer fun.

Thanks all, at the moment I'm not finding it fun...! So at the moment I think I need to step away from it.

I'm hoping it won't be like real life dating...! I think this is half the problem, I just know if I met some of these guys some would look beyond the kids.

Agree though Iamthough when I write something funny I get a better response.

I found POF and tinder I got lots of matches and they wanted to know me even though I had kids. I tried okcupid first though and it was awful, got no luck at all! Put me off for years!

You need to try a different website. I’ve used Facebook dating and Pof and both of those you have the option to say you will or won’t date someone with kids. I do find fb dating fun though.

I found Tinder good - there were plenty of men happy to meet me even tho I have a child (mentioned in my profile). I was pretty generous with my swiping tho! In the end I really liked the first one I met in person and we are still together now - but there were others I would happily have met too.

I think if it’s upsetting you tho, you should probably leave it for now. As pp’s said, you have to not take it too seriously......

Bumble was the only OLD site where I met decent men.