Single mum burning out and it’s ruining my relationship

[Sufferingburnout]

I’m mid 40’s, 22 months separated and currently going through the divorce process. I’m in a relationship with someone who loves me very much as I do him. We live in different parts of the country and both have children, however we do our best to see each other as much of the time as we can. I work almost full time and look after 2 primary aged children.

I feel I’m constantly on the back foot chasing my tail. My kids are amazing, coping well and very happy. I do all I can to protect them. Dad sees them one night a fortnight & every other weekend. Covid, divorce, working again, studying (now finished) and living apart from someone I love very much has been very hard. Covid has massively impacted his finances.

The area I live in is very expensive and I have been panicking about how to cope once the house is sold. I have considered a mesher order but ultimately it won’t work financially post kids 18 as the equity won’t be enough to set myself up again.

My boyfriend is incredible, with a soft heart and an easy going personality. I have become so stressed recently and I’ve taken it out on him, blowing up in anger over things which really don’t matter. It’s got to the point where it’s damaged our relationship but he’s holding on because he loves me. I love him so very much. I’m so upset at myself for causing him pain and for damaging something I hold so precious. I want to live with him but circumstances don’t allow it at the moment and we do the best we can. I hope to marry him one day. He really is my soul mate and best friend (we used to be friends so this has developed from that). I’ve contacted my old counsellor for help and we’ve had a long chat. I’m terrified I’m going to lose him but have to have faith that if it’s meant to be it will work out. My children love him too.

Please can someone help me? I don’t know what I’m asking you for, maybe advice, support, understanding, shared experiences, but I need a shoulder to cry on. Friends are so busy with their lives and kids that it’s hard to turn to them. I find it hard to talk to my mum & dad too.

You sound very overwhelmed and that's understandable given everything you've had/got going on in your life. I wonder if you might find it easier to deal with if you try to focus on one problem at a time rather than worrying about everything at once. For example if you decide to start the house situation. Look at your options and what is financially fesable taking into account what you will be entitled to once the divorce is finalised (presumably your solicitor is detailing what you are likely to be awarded from your ex).

Every time your mind starts to drift to 'what ifs' about how this will impact your relationship etc tell yourself to stop and get back to the matter at hand. By doing that you'll hopefully feel more in control of your life which will hopefully have a positive impact on your relationship too.

Just wondered how you managed to connect with someone from another part of the country to start with, given all you've already got going on. That hasn't, and isn't, going to make life easier, and as he's got children, if they are a similar age, then he's going to be routed to his area, as you are, for years to come.
Sorry, but I'd class this as an unworkable thing from the start, no matter how compatible, I would not have entertained it from the off. Certainly would not of got young children involved with a LDR that's highly likely to fail due to practicalities.
But, you've chosen the path now, and it's a hard one, the best you can do is check your reaction to situations, before engaging your mouth. You have insight after the fact, it's a start, but that doesn't help him at the time. Apologies mixed with self control.

Is this for real, you're talking like a lust struck teenager, not a grown woman

Just end the relationship

Your children are going through the biggest upset of their lives with their family permanently breaking apart and you're not even divorced yet!

Put your children first and focus your attention on supporting them instead of foisting a random man on them.

I had a similar situation and we hung in there. I married him. Excellent stepfather, lovely happy blended family. Find someway of destressing.

What are you blowing up at him about? It doesn't sound normal for such a young relationship to be taking it out on him.

Realistically, you won't be able to live together until the kids have left home, right? So for the next 10 years or so you're going to have to continue being in a long distance relationship. You have to decide if you are happy with that.

Bloody hell you have enough in without throwing a relationship in the mix. No wonder you are frazzled. I'd cool that for now. Not because you don't love him. But because it's too much.

Focus on getting through each day. Focus on the divorce and what you do next. Use eow to recharge and get the things done you can't with kids around. And to see a friend or family.

It sounds like you will be moving out the family home soon and that is a massive job too.

So unless this man drives down to see you EOW, is taking the load and stress from you, actually offers you practical help. I can't see what he adds at this point in time.

If he really loves you and is your sole mate. He can wait a few years till the time is right.

@Pregnantandanxious

You sound very overwhelmed and that's understandable given everything you've had/got going on in your life. I wonder if you might find it easier to deal with if you try to focus on one problem at a time rather than worrying about everything at once. For example if you decide to start the house situation. Look at your options and what is financially fesable taking into account what you will be entitled to once the divorce is finalised (presumably your solicitor is detailing what you are likely to be awarded from your ex).

Every time your mind starts to drift to 'what ifs' about how this will impact your relationship etc tell yourself to stop and get back to the matter at hand. By doing that you'll hopefully feel more in control of your life which will hopefully have a positive impact on your relationship too.

Thank you so much for such a positive message. I will screenshot your advice and relate back to it. ‘Stopping’ is something I am trying to do and I am going to try with What If’s.

He is a very old friend & one with history. I appreciate it’s a hard path but one we are committed too. I haven’t disclosed locations for privacy but it’s not too far and doable. But yes learning to keep control of my emotions and keeping my mouth shut is something I need to do

@RedFrogsRule

I had a similar situation and we hung in there. I married him. Excellent stepfather, lovely happy blended family. Find someway of destressing.

And this is something that may be available to us in years to come - thank you for posting. How did you manage the frustrations, anxiety and general overwhelming sense? Would you mind sharing more of your story?

@Mumdiva99

Bloody hell you have enough in without throwing a relationship in the mix. No wonder you are frazzled. I'd cool that for now. Not because you don't love him. But because it's too much.

Focus on getting through each day. Focus on the divorce and what you do next. Use eow to recharge and get the things done you can't with kids around. And to see a friend or family.

It sounds like you will be moving out the family home soon and that is a massive job too.

So unless this man drives down to see you EOW, is taking the load and stress from you, actually offers you practical help. I can't see what he adds at this point in time.

If he really loves you and is your sole mate. He can wait a few years till the time is right.

The divorce is almost done but it’s been exhausting. He does drive to see me a lot and has taken a lot of the load and stress too.

I echo the need to focus on building a home for your children that fits around their needs. Unfortunately that means you have to live where their lives are and might have to forgo romantic plans that don’t fit in with them.

It’s not fair to move children away from a parent. They are then forced to travel and forgo social events just to the with the other parent. Or they have to choose between a friends birthday or seeing their dad.

Unless this man decides to move to where you are, it’s not a goer. If he did that he would be letting his kids down.

I think you need to cool this off and put off building blended family castles in the sky.

I also think the relationship needs to take a back seat for now. Your focus should be on the kids, the impending divorce settlement and what happens next. Trying to add a relatively new relationship into the mix is too much. You're already talking about moving in with him and marrying him after only separating less than 2 years ago. That's not fair on your kids. Moving to be with him and moving your kids won't be fair and in turn expecting him to move to be with you is unfair on his kids.

frustration, anxiety and overwhelming
It's awhile ago for me and memories can be very selective but I don't recall those emotions being dominant but they must have existed. I felt like my time with DH was special. He spoiled me and I was child free so really it wasn't a very real time. Probably MN would have slated the dynamics but it worked for me. I almost lived two separate lives. Not mixing the two lives and not rushing anything so our time was just for us

OP, you've picked on the ONE post which has said that you should persevere with your bf.

Having been through divorce nearly 6 years ago, I would agree with the other posters. 22 months is no time at all for you or, more importantly, your children to have got over the divorce. They are navigating a new world which is confusing and upsetting for them. They need you to focus on them . And yes, however much you love your bf, unless he is going to move to your area, you are stuck being separate until your children leave home. It would be hugely unfair to move them.

I would say you need to focus on you and your children for the time being. However much you love him, it's just too much. No wonder you're cracking.

I think the last post summarises what I think worked for us. I did compartmentalise my lives. The kids came first and I kept spinning my plates but he stayed in the background offering me an oasis of being indulged at a time when I was run into the ground. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is in a position to offer this or you to him. That's not a criticism just a reflection of fact. You need to acknowledge this and step back a bit until you both have resources to give to a relationship.

It took 10 years for me to fully integrate DH into my life. Worth the wait

Appreciate all your posts and yes I did relate to red frogs because, whilst I won’t share the facts of my life for fear of exposure, I do believe we can work through this tough time.

What I needed/wanted was advice from people who understand my dynamics and situation. I’m very focused and realistic on what can be done. Reading a brief synopsis of my life does not give all the facts. Our kids are our priority but we want to build a life together when the time is right. Like red frog, it is indeed compartmentalising and leading 2 separate lives. He does plan to move in with me one day - should we continue to grow as we are. My children are doing extremely well and I am very focused on them continuing to thrive. I appreciate the comments about moving away from his kids but we will find a solution to the parties and events on the weekend he is with them - should he eventually move. The distance between us is doable, but would naturally be better if we shared the same town.

Yes red frogs he does indulge me, cares deeply and does all he can for us. It’s interesting it took 10 years for you but was worth the wait. I do believe if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. I just needed a few tools to stop myself from breaking down with so much on my plate.

OP I'm living your life further down the line. Early on u got some stonking advice from Pregnant and anxious. Re focusing. Do just what she says. Took me years to work that out. One step at a time, one breath at a time. Also, small victories count. So clean out a drawer, say, three times a day. Make sure u eat n drink n sleep enough. Exercise or walk. Do not skip any of that. Do not under any circs dump ur lovely bloke. There are so few lovely blokes out there. U will come out other side. U will

Ten years of dating.... @Sufferingburnout
Some days I miss it!!

@ThatsAllFolks

OP I'm living your life further down the line. Early on u got some stonking advice from Pregnant and anxious. Re focusing. Do just what she says. Took me years to work that out. One step at a time, one breath at a time. Also, small victories count. So clean out a drawer, say, three times a day. Make sure u eat n drink n sleep enough. Exercise or walk. Do not skip any of that. Do not under any circs dump ur lovely bloke. There are so few lovely blokes out there. U will come out other side. U will

Thank you so much for posting and for understanding my situation. I reread Pregnants advice daily and hope to make it stick. I’m trying hard to take better care of myself and to prioritise my needs a little more. You are so right in all you say so thank you for taking the time to post. I’ll reshot and save your post to remind me what to do. Thank you too for your encouraging words about my bf. You are so right that there are so few out there and it’s just about coming out the other side - still in tact :0) x