Gaslighting???

[Kaytee76]

Hi all,
First post and sorry it’s long .. Just giving a little background. My partner (55) and I (43) have been together 3 years. I had really bad insecurity and jealousy issues due to CSA. I did some seriously bad things in the first 2 years of our relationship due to this - I’m not proud of it.
I got counselling, stopped drinking alcohol and everything (I thought) was going well for a long time after. I felt pretty secure and we were getting along.
A few weeks ago, he says he was tired and went up to bed. After a while watching tv I decided to put YouTube on the tv to watch a documentary (I’m a geek) - anyway, a load of Tik-Tok shorts were on there of what looked like 16-20 yr old girls shaking their tits and arses. I know it’s childish but I freaked out that he’d said he was tired and gone to bed and was upstairs watching this while I was downstairs, and tbh, given his age I thought it was a bit pervy! So I went up and asked why he watching these videos (trust me there were loads of them)! Obviously he denied it, because he denies everything - but I had taken photos of the tv so he couldn’t deny it .. we had a massive argument and, obviously, I was the bad one for snooping on him.
Now I know this is silly of me, and I’m not making excuses for myself- but given my counselling was only a few months ago and I’m a work in progress - I told him how it made me feel and he said he would stop.
Fast forward to this weekend - he went off up to bed so I put YouTube on and he’s been watching a video of girls on bikes with their tits out - I couldn’t be arsed to argue to left him sleep and slept downstairs.
Next day he commented how I should ride a bike with my tits out - I said “what, like the girls in that video you watched” and all fucking hell broke loose! .. He stormed out for the whole day (as he always does). I didn’t speak to him and slept in the spare room ...
When i spoke to him this morning, he said he is leaving (he does pretty much every time we argue and I beg him to stay, which he does) and that I am accusing him of doing something he didn’t do - he showed me his YouTube - he’d deleted the watch history of the video and blatantly told me to my face that I made it up and he hadn’t watched it. I’ve often thought he gaslights me but surely deleting something and telling me I’m wrong is gaslighting?? I’m starting to question everything he’s convinced me I’m wrong about .. As it stands right now - I won’t be begging him to stay this time .. Thoughts please?

Leave him. You are worth more!

And also, you have come a long way and are doing amazingly. If you stay you risk losing all of that. But Do get yourself back into therapy when you separate as a safety net so you keep moving up and don't regress or doubt yourself x

I mean it doesn’t really matter what the label is - it’s shit behaviour either way. Couldn’t be bothered with the drama and the stress of this relationship myself.

You sound like a bad combination together.

What's the point of the relationship?

He said he’s leaving, let him.

I agree, I think maybe we are not good for one another ... in between the shit there an awful lot of good points too though and I do love him .. Everyone has arguments and does things to piss each other off .. It’s the blatantly lying to my face telling me I’m imaging things that’s worried me more

Thank you, I stopped all the destructive behaviour I used to do but the tiniest thing I do now he goes tits up, brings the past up and says I’m making it up - hence why I had to take photos of the tv or otherwise he would have vehemently denied it x

Next day he commented how I should ride a bike with my tits out

WTF?

Yep .. but I made up that he was watching the exact same video 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Billybagpuss
That’s the plan :)

He's training you to not ever challenge his behaviour and just pretend you don't know. Making it not worth it to even bring it up for fear of how he will react. That's a dangerous situation to be in.

@HollowTalk

Next day he commented how I should ride a bike with my tits out

WTF?

Enough to tell him to get on his bike. With or without his willy out, the choice is his as long as he rides like Chris Froome out of your life!

This isn't a happy relationship and is unlikely to ever be so.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea
That’s exactly how it feels .. as even if I try to discuss something fairly trivial he will either deny it or cause an almighty argument by bringing up things I did in the past .. I mean some of the things I did and accused him of when I was drunk we’re pretty bloody awful but why not leave he then? Why stay and then throw them up each time I put a foot wrong x

He brings them up
When you question his behaviour- it’s all about control

Has he gone?

Honestly sounds to me like he left that bike video knowing you would see it. You never mentioned it, so he brought it up in another way. He is abusive, gaslighting doesn't even cover it. Decent people don't behave like that to someone they love. Get rid.

Come on! he's blatantly lying to your face. Why are you putting up with this shit?

Watching young girls with their tits out at his age - a bit sleazy, but it's a far cry from porn, so could be worse.
Going as far as suggesting you re-enact things he's seen in videos is just yuk! Shows he has no boundaries and thinks a woman's purpose is to entertain him, that's clearly mysogynistic BS.
You can do far better, it's good you've seen the gaslighting for what it is, he's a Nast piece of work to use your past trauma and weaknesses against you. Don't beg, make sure he stays gone.