Feeling incredibly guilty after breaking up with someone

[hazysunnydays]

Just ended it with a guy I've been dating for a few months. It was an intense relationship but I noticed some red flags so I decided to cut my losses. I tried to be as kind as possible and after saying everything I wanted to say, I asked if he had any questions or wanted to say anything to me. He said he didn't

We chatted for a bit longer and then I told him I was leaving. He suggested I didn't have to and we could just hang out unless I didn't want to so I sat back down. We then started to talk about films and I felt weird to go from a break up chat to small talk so I told him I was going to leave. We parted amicably.

At the time it felt right but now looking back I feel like I should have stayed as I guess that was his way of getting some comfort from me. I feel incredibly guilty about leaving. We had spoken for about an hour before that and obviously if he wanted me to stay to talk about the relationship I would have.

Part of me wants to message him to say if he wants to chat to get some closure now that he's had time to process things, we can. Is that just me trying to make myself feel better? Should I just keep it to a clean break and let him get on with it?

Keep it clean for both your sakes

Eek, don't. Of course breaking up is a bit sad and feels strange at first. However, you wanted it to be over and now it's done so leave it alone. That's my advice, anyway.

Absolutely don't resume any contact. Leave it where it was, he's accepted amicably.

No. Don't get back in touch. He might well want some 'comfort' but you are not that person for him any more. However, he might have just been being polite and/or fancied a bit of company since he had no other plans 🤷🏻‍♀️

You were only seeing him for a couple of months. Tbh, if you contact him now asking for he wants to chat to get closure, it'll sound like game playing - either that you're a bit of an arrogant dick or seeking unnecessary drama/looking for him to persuade you otherwise. That's how I'd read it anyway if someone suggested that to me. It's just not necessary.

Red flags and you got rid. Job done

No, better for you both this way. There's a possibility you had in your mind a way it should all spin out or you don't trust that it's truly finished(or you don't believe he believes it is) because nothing huge happened.

You don’t owe him comfort or friendship. A clean break will help him to move on more quickly because it won’t give him false hope that you still harbour feelings for him. Break ups happen all the time. You did it respectfully, face to face, and with kindness, and that’s all anyone should expect.

Least said, soonest mended.

He can't move on until you do and I'll lay money there'd be a pity shag in the offing if you aren't careful.

If he’s going to get ‘closure’, he’ll probably do so by reflecting on it himself. Maybe if there were red flags, he sensed things weren’t right too (depending on what they were!) Sounds like you ended things in a kind way, but time to back off.

I kept getting in contact with an old boyfriend because I felt guilty. It was just a year of him not recovering and hoping we would get back together. It was almost cruel in hindsight but I didn’t realise it was. Clean break is the best for healing

No, you gave him closure.

Its possible that he wanted to persuade you into staying 'friends' so that further down the line he could get again. Hense asking you to stay and hang out.

You dont want to remain pals with someone with red flags. They are just as dangerous in friendship as in relationships.

You did the right thing. Block him now and move on with your life.

*he could try again

Funnily enough @Umberellatheweatha he did ask if we could meet up in a few months time for a coffee. He's said before that he likes to stay on friendly terms with his exes so I was kind of expecting it. And he talks about his exes all the time (one of the red flags).

It’s really good that you spotted the red flags and ended it, but it’s worrying that you still feel responsible for his feelings and want to rescue him from those. You might want to reflect on that and consider how you can change that mindset. You’ve come out unscathed from this relationship but repeating the same pattern in another relationship could be less good.

Clean break sand no coffee.

@stayathomer

No, better for you both this way. There's a possibility you had in your mind a way it should all spin out or you don't trust that it's truly finished(or you don't believe he believes it is) because nothing huge happened.

Yes, I thought the break up chat would take a while as we used to spend hours analysing our relationship (in a fun way). I guess I was surprised it didn't take that long.

we used to spend hours analysing our relationship (in a fun way)

Oh dear. That doesn't sound fun.

However, he might have just been being polite and/or fancied a bit of company since he had no other plans

This is very likely @ShinyBlackBoots!

Ha, I love a deep chat @MrsTerryPratchett. It was fun when we were smitten with each other.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I will leave him alone to get on with it!

You did the best thing leaving when you did and ending things in a kind way. I know you want to do right by him but if someone broke up with me after a few months then started messaging me to see if I needed closure I would think they needed to get over themselves a lot more than I did!

If you really want to meet for coffee (it would depend on the red flags for me), let him come to you first.