Like pulling teeth.....

[boopeep76]

Long backstory but in a nutshell after not working for a long time DH now is. I have always dealt with finances (everything has always come out of my account even when he was working before and he would give me money). After him starting work I said I wanted to transfer all Direct Debits and bills to our joint account (barely use before) and for us each to pay in a certain amount each month. I am higher earner so am paying in quite a bit more (proportional to our wages). Getting him to set this up has been like pulling teeth, He doesn't have online banking (refuses) and after asking for a month I had to phone the bank and pass the phone to him to make him do it tonight (I wanted it set up for the start of the new month). It really isn't about him not wanting to pay me - it is just total lack of taking responsibility. He wanted to give me a big cheque (!!!) or pay a lump sum in rather than set up a standing order. I don't want that as it is still saying to me "there you go - now you sort it all out". I want some degree of him financial responsibility - for example he has no excuse with the joint account to not pay his own car insurance when it is due now (something I got lumbered with before). He is an intelligent man so I am sick of him playing dumb with things he doesn't want to get involved in. So it is all set up now, but he came off the call telling me I am really weird about money, he can't see why he can't just give me a lump sum every now and then and is now if a huff. I am left feeling like shit and rather angry that I have to fight so hard and keep asserting myself over things like this. It's all so exhausting. AIBU?

What a turn-off.

Ugh, what a baby. Not good enough. I'd bin him.

YANBU. It’s pathetic.

Are you his mother?! Bin him

If he is incapable of understanding your point on this, I would really worry about many other aspects of your future relationship. How old are you, are you thinking of kids, buying a house etc. He sounds both pathetic and not a partner for life.

YANBU.

Of course it's much easier for him to let you sort everything out - particularly the boring things to do with finance and being a grown up.

I'm focused on the bit where you say after not working for a long time and that you are the higher earner and paying more.

It's just such a turn off to be the only adult in the relationship. If he's that intelligent can't he see that most intelligent women wouldn't be impressed by his behaviour?

why he can't just give me a lump sum every now and then
Every once in a blue moon? Whilst you have to absorb all the expenses. He wants to make sure his income is disposable - by him.

Why are you with him? What an utter turn off.

And he thinks you’re weird about money?!

This is grown up life. You’re not his mum.

Yanbu!

Is he dyslexic? My Exh was/is severely dyslexic and was totally incapable of doing any type of life admin, especially banking. It drove me round the bend. Such a turn off and utterly frustrating. You have my sympathy

@pog100 - married 20+ years so am fighting to change a dynamic I should never have let happen, hence why it is such a struggle...
@piptastic - no issues like that at all - he is very capable just not willing or will say it is not the important stuff in life - which I agree with to a degree but it has to be done and I am fed up with taking the mental load for everything and then being told I am the one creating the problem he just wants a simple life and isn't bothered by "all of this stuff" - easy to say when you don't do it

If he doesn't want the bother, why doesn't he just get his employer to pay him directly into the joint account, then you can set up a standing order of what's left of his pay after contributing his share to go into his account from there?

If it's so unimportant.

or will say it is not the important stuff in life
Wow, so having power, heat, housing, clothing and food are not 'the important stuff in life'? I think there are plenty of people who could explain that it's quite difficult to focus on 'the simple life' when you haven't got these things.

That said, I agree with @category12 . If he wants this to be wholly your problem, he needs to do it like in the olden days - husband hands wage packet over to wife at the end of the week and she runs the house from that, giving him a portion of it back for fun money.

Point out that you can't not pay your bills for months and tell the gas, electric, water, bank, etc that you'll chuck them a lump sum every now and again.

This is about him wanting you to carry on subsidising him and him holding onto his cash. He needs to know that this absolutely will not happen.

I think he'd suddenly find himself bothered by it if he had no roof over his head and no food to eat !

You are not weird about money, he is, that was total projection. And how convenient it is too tricky for him to manage to set up to pay anything. Id bet money that if this was the other way around he'd be figuring it all out real quick. I would find this behaviour incredibly unattractive and quite frankly financially abusive.

[quote boopeep76]@pog100 - married 20+ years so am fighting to change a dynamic I should never have let happen, hence why it is such a struggle...
@piptastic - no issues like that at all - he is very capable just not willing or will say it is not the important stuff in life - which I agree with to a degree but it has to be done and I am fed up with taking the mental load for everything and then being told I am the one creating the problem he just wants a simple life and isn't bothered by "all of this stuff" - easy to say when you don't do it[/quote]
It's becoming the important stuff though, isn't it. Can you make the argument to him that if he would just deal with this stuff once, it could stop coming between you? If he can't accept that, then I would say there's more to it than he's making out.