Pregnant and feeling hurt by husband over his porn addiction

[mag2305]

Hi, my husband has a porn addiction which I found out about 18 months ago. It had been going on for a long time before that though and through his previous relationships. I didn't have any idea before finding out. He has other mental health problems with anxiety and depression which I really understand as I have some similar struggles myself, but porn crosses a boundary for me. I really hate it. I know there are many women who are fine with it, that's just not me. It's the lies surrounding it. In the last 18 months, my husband has lied many times saying he's stopped but it turns out he hasn't. He had specific counselling for porn addiction for 6 months until March but it did nothing.

Now I'm at the point where I don't want to be in a constant cycle of deceit and being hurt. He had a few weeks where he was talking about it with me, telling me if he was struggling, etc. which we agreed on but then it all slipped again. Two nights ago he said he was playing games on his laptop which was fine. Said he would play for an hour. Sometime later I called up the stairs to say about watching TV together and he wouldn't come down. I found out the next day it was because of porn. I hate the feeling of living in a small house where he's doing that with me downstairs and his child in the next room.

I feel like he's a better person than this. He's caring, sweet natured, a lovely dad and I thought, my soul mate in life. Sadly, I'm not so sure about the latter now.

We have one child and I'm coming towards the end of my second pregnancy now. I don't feel very strong mentally or physically to deal with all this right now. I have lots of fears over this pregnancy after a traumatic birth last time so I'm dealing with all that. We're also meant to be moving house at some point. Now I don't know what to do. I love him very much but don't even know if he's just going to keep destroying our family life with lies over and over again.

Can I respectfully ask that if you are a supporter of porn that you don't comment please. I'm at the point where porn has destroyed/is destroying my marriage so I don't need to hear 'all men do it' or that sort of thing.

You are allowed to say it is a hard line for you and you choose not to have it in your life.

You don't have to stay. It will be hard, but it sounds like he'd make a good co-parent at least.

Have you got anyone IRL you can talk to?

I’m sorry OP, I’d struggle with that too. Like you I feel porn is an abusive industry and not ok. I think what you are feeling makes sense - you found out 18mo ago about a long term lie and find it’s still happening. I wonder why the counselling did little to help. I’d imagine he doesn’t really want this to change but is torn between how it is affecting the relationship. It’s easy to say ‘I’d just leave him to it’ - sounds like you are feeling particularly vulnerable while pregnant. But equally you don’t need to live this life long term if its making you unhappy.

How do you know it’s a porn addiction? (Vs just watching it because he wants to and not respecting your boundaries).

@DonLewis I talk to my mum because I'm really close to her but at the same time, I know it's very stressful for her to hear about this and she worries about our futures. Due to covid/lockdowns and my pregnancy, I've gone off the radar from many of my friends, maybe on purpose as I've felt so crap. I'm seeing a psychologist myself but that's to support me with this pregnancy and trauma, etc, don't really want to add my husband's issues into it.

@premium77 By my husband's own admittance, he describes it as an addiction. It's frequent porn use. At it's worse, it was daily. He describes it as self soothing as he feels so bad about himself. The problem is as a wife being hurt, it's hard to be understanding of that.

@Undersnatch with his counselling, I don't think my husband took it in the right direction and neither did the therapist from the sounds of it. He didn't approach it in a, I need help or I'll lose my marriage sort of way. I think he skated round the edges. Maybe through embarrassment, pride, self loathing, I don't know.

Thank you for your message x

Auction is a horrid destructive thing regardless of what the person is addicted to. I've often heard it said they have to hit rock bottom before they can find the motivation stronger than the addiction to class their way out and still need help.
Can you spell it out for him where you are feeling in this so he realises what he stands to lose if he doesn't get, and stick with, help?

I remember listening to a podcast from a man who found himself with a porn addiction and he managed to kick it but he said the process was like a total brain rewire and he had the help out he couldn't have done it. Now he views his old self as a figure of sadness being so controlled by it and is grateful he wasn't there any more. I can't remember what it was called, but what struck me was the climb he had to get out and how easily he had gradually slid into it in the first place.

@RealisticSketch yeh I've spelt it out loud and clear. Not just this time but the times before. I'm a very upfront person who says it how it is, especially with my husband. I get that the addiction must be so tough but he knows where I stand. For me, it's him going cold turkey or losing his family. I thought he'd got that by now.

@RealisticSketch that's interesting, especially getting a man's perspective on it who has experienced it. I've watched a lot of things about porn addiction, documentaries, Ted talks. There's a feminist speaker (can't remember her name) but she's brilliant as she very much sees porn as the enemy to men. As a mum to a boy, it really makes me think about it in a different way too. I wouldn't want a future of getting hooked into porn for him.

Edit... A future for my son getting hooked into porn I meant to say.

I totally know how you feel. My H developed this in his early 50’s — all behind my back— he had totally forgotten I had always monitored the router from when our son was a teen . I’ve casually brought it up twice before but not said how I know— I think he just thinks he was careless with history. Like you I am not ok with this, especially when it’s virtually every day— it’s like living with someone who isn’t quite on the same page. I’m late 50s though and getting ducks in a row in my own time- totally fed up of it. It’s all very well people saying they don’t see the problem— maybe if it was all up front and ‘occasional’ I wouldn’t either, but it’s isn’t either of these things. Feels like living with a sleaze

I feel lots of sympathy for you OP. It would be a red line for me too.

[quote mag2305]@RealisticSketch that's interesting, especially getting a man's perspective on it who has experienced it. I've watched a lot of things about porn addiction, documentaries, Ted talks. There's a feminist speaker (can't remember her name) but she's brilliant as she very much sees porn as the enemy to men. As a mum to a boy, it really makes me think about it in a different way too. I wouldn't want a future of getting hooked into porn for him.[/quote]
Same here, it isn't what you would want for your son, my ds is coming up to teens and I really hope this doesn't get a grip on him, it causes so many problems.

You come across as a really sound person op, it is the saddest thing when a good person is brought low by something like this (you and your dh) it's a modern tragedy.

You’re right, not all men do it and I’d feel exactly the same as you do.

The problem is you seem to be giving him ultimatums then not following through and that’s presumably been going on for some time. Whether he doesn’t want to stop or thinks he can’t stop, he’s hearing you say it’s a dealbreaker but then you stay knowing he’s still doing it, you’re having another child, talking of moving house. He’s not taking you seriously knowing how corrosive his behaviour is and how much it hurts you, his wife. If he really can’t stop he needs to access and properly engage with services that can help. He’s not doing that by lying to his therapist. If he’s choosing not to then that’s extremely hurtful.

The idea of someone self soothing by watching images of women being abused is one I couldn’t accept. It makes me feel sick and I’m not living with it going on in my home, around my child. It’s such a cop out.

I really feel for you but you’re also making choices and it’s obviously not a deal breaker or you’d have followed through on your ultimatum. If you don’t want to live with someone who behaves in this unacceptable way, then you have to make hard choices and leave him. There are obstacles but they’re not impossible to overcome if you’re ready to take this step.

My ex was addicted to porn. It's an utter relief not to be living with it any more. It's an insidious addiction that gradually rots your relationship and definitely wrecks your sex life. I don't think men who watch porn respect the real women in their lives. We broke up when my second child was a baby and it was the hardest time of my life but worth it for the freedom and peace that came after it.

I feel for you. My ex husband also had a porn addiction. I think there is a big difference between watching porn and being addicted to it, regardless of if you agree with porn or not. An addiction just distorts family life and makes you feel on edge. My ex used to stay up (nearly all night) sometimes. He used to masterbate in bed next to me, which I hated (he know this). He was dreadful he really was. He would spend hours and hours scowling through porn on the Internet.
One of the things he said when he decided our marriage was over was, "we never had sex like the in the porn he watched" ! Wtf
I'm sure if it wasn't porn he was addicted to it would be something else, he had a very addictive nature. I'm so so glad I don't have to tolerate this kind of behaviour any more.

@AnneLovesGilbert you're right and this is all going through my mind at the moment. Timing is tough though being at the end of my pregnancy and with a toddler to manage. I know I'm going to need help with everything.

Like you, I find the whole porn industry totally wrong. I feel huge sadness for the women (and somewhat men) working in that world and it's corruption.

It's interesting to hear that many of you have also experienced this. It's a horrible situation to be in. I'm scared to end things completely but also can't keep living in this cycle of hurt and lies. The only thing I can think to do right now is have a time of separation but still co-habit I guess. I feel so vulnerable being heavily pregnant, and selfishly, I don't want to be on my own in the house overnight and stuff in case I went into labour, with a toddler to consider too.