Who do you talk to?

[Mikethenight2good]

When you are down, who do you talk to? Do you talk or bottle it up?

I have realised during this past year I don't emotionally lean on anyone. I don't know why. I am the emotionally stronger one between my husband and I. But really I want someone to emotional lean on. I think deep down I wonder what's the point talking to anyone as no one will help me.

I just want to offload. Actually I want to go away by myself for a few days and not have any demands on me (work, mum, wife). But would it get away from thoughts, I done know....

Sorry for the random post....I ruined a lovely night out yesterday by drinking too much and I think and I don't like myself today.

Hi op I'm sorry you are feeling like this, but to answer your question bottling things up isn't a good idea I used to do that and it would eat away at me til I exploded. Im like you the stronger 1 but over the years I've learned to lean on my husband, I tell him something is bothering me and I need to talk about it so it's off my mind even if he just listens to me, so he's had to learn to be my support also and he has slowly over the years.

Thanks...that's good to know. I don't really feature on the priority list in his world (probably because I don't prioritise myself maybe). I sometimes think what's the point in talking to him to not be heard. He tends to go into solution mode and I just want him to listen..I also don't think I like talking to people as I don't want to hear their advice .

Don't know. My head and heart are feeling a bit lonely and it's not a place I want to stay at.

It sounds like your partner and other close people have very low emotional intelligence.

You need to be heard and have someone hold space for you. Some people can only spout ‘advice’ or try to jump to solution finding as quickly as possible.

Can you say to him that you just want him to listen and sympathise? So when you say “I feel this about this” you just want him to say “oh no that’s tough” and/or “how can I help?” And give you a hug. It’s so simple but some people seem to have no understanding.

Plus, if you can book a night away in a hotel to read and rest and mooch about, do it.

Absolutely understand this sort of lonely feeling. I am entering therapy soon and it will honestly be a relief to have someone to bounce stuff off of. Covered by private health insurance at the mo. but I don't think it will be sustainable long term unfortunately.

Other than that, I have one good friend (but I am wary of overdoing it). There is nothing consistent at present, though when my little one goes to pre-school I am hoping to join more groups including a walking group which will bring me into contact with people more (especially older ladies whom I find particularly helpful to talk to) and also meet regularly with another friend at the gym to talk to. I believe my husband has low emotional intelligence, so I'm working out where I might find other types of support from/bring me into contact with others so I can talk a bit more and not internalize things so much.

I also understand the demands thing too. I have dc of varying ages and it's really tricky when you are trying to sort out your own stuff...again it would be useful to bounce worries off someone else - my husband doesn't worry so much and just says I worry too much but I have been diagnosed with PTSD which explains a bit why I am so anxious.

Should have said I am a sahm so don't have work colleagues to talk to though this isn't always the case if you're working...it's down to luck who you have around you. In my last job I didn't have time to talk much but I was surrounded by women and of course had a lot more opportunity to talk than I do now. Only one male left in extended family now and he has low E.I. so no help there. Being in the situation I am, it is down to me to go seek out people and that's no necessarily an easy task.

Can you not book into a hotel for a day or two just to get some breathing space. The Samaritans are will to listen to everyone. Maybe worth a call xx

"@Mikethenight2good Thanks...that's good to know. I don't really feature on the priority list in his world (probably because I don't prioritise myself maybe). I sometimes think what's the point in talking to him to not be heard. He tends to go into solution mode and I just want him to listen..I also don't think I like talking to people as I don't want to hear their advice . Don't know. My head and heart are feeling a bit lonely and it's not a place I want to stay at".

What is it that is causing you to feel this way Op? You say your DH goes into solution mode? What solutions has he suggested? What problems has he made suggestions in response to? What is it that makes you feel so alone? What is it that is making you so unhappy? What do you need your DH and people to say or do?

"I also don't think I like talking to people as I don't want to hear their advice ".

What are these people advising, that, you do not like hearing?

Thanks for the responses.
@OliveToboogie I have wondered about calling the Samaritans but I always assumed it was for people in much greater need. I feel a bit self indulgent..

@LadyMargaretBeauforte they just seem to tell me what to do. Maybe I am not ready to listen to it. If I try and talk about issues at home I generally get told how lucky I am to have DH. I am. We are 50/50 in household childcare stuff. He is not a big drinker and he doesn't abandon us for weekend sports. He is a good family man. But emotionally there is no one to wrap me up in a big hug.
Let's take this week. We have family staying. It's great. We could if we wanted to go out one evening as a couple. He is not that keen. He doesn't want to ask them to babysit. If I see something nice to do as couple he makes a comment that he can't justify spending that amount in money (like a spa break). But he won't come up with an alternative.

I am going to look into a night away and a few days off work. Post half term when the kids are back at school.

If I try and talk about issues at home I generally get told how lucky I am to have DH. I am. We are 50/50 in household childcare stuff. He is not a big drinker and he doesn't abandon us for weekend sports. He is a good family man. But emotionally there is no one to wrap me up in a big hug.

This.

I've realised I keep eating to try and fill a void in just about all my adult relationships including my mother from whom I'm estranged. Now, I'm a few stone overweight and trying to address this. Don't know what the answer is - I keep craving food/alcohol but I suspect there is something more behind this. Roll on therapy.

Good luck @magenta4634737. Hope you find the peace you deserve.

I am done here. I am physically sick of this place. I can't be doing with it.

I need out but where to start I don't know.

Definitely call the Samaritans- they are trained to listen without pushing advice and they are absolutely not only for people who are in crisis- in fact they actively encourage people to call who haven’t got to that point, even if you’re a bit lonely and just want to sound off about things going around your head. Long term it would also be good to get a BACP accredited person centred therapist if you can afford it- they are great at helping people to navigate their own feelings without dishing out advice, it’s what they’re trained to do. Good luck op 💐