Dementia

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

My mum is 87. She is absent to the point where she doesn't often recognise the grandchildren.

Do people with dementia benefit from visits from said grandchildren?

She's not nasty. Just doesn't necessarily know who they are.

One relative says it doesn't matter that nobody visits her with their children because of that.

Visits are more likely to benefit than not -- humans are social creatures and family members will treat her as a member of family, which is good for the psyche of person with dementia, too.

Definitely she will gain some benefit and worth continuing IF it isn’t distressing for your DC. My DF was able to recognise familiar voices and touch until the very end when he was non verbal.

Best wishes, it’s so hard.

We had some dementia training at work that said ' I don't know who you are but I know I love you ' and that the feeling of pleasure from interaction will remain with the person even after they've forgotten the visit, and stimulation is always good. But I think it must massively depend on the extent of the dementia, how it affects the person and on their personality.

@NecklessMumster

We had some dementia training at work that said ' I don't know who you are but I know I love you ' and that the feeling of pleasure from interaction will remain with the person even after they've forgotten the visit, and stimulation is always good. But I think it must massively depend on the extent of the dementia, how it affects the person and on their personality.

This.

People with dementia experience so much loneliness.

IME people with dementia often enjoy visits from children, my Mum loves seeing children. As long as the children aren't distressed by the visit I think it's a good idea. For my Mum as long as you've got a friendly smile and some light heart chat, she seems happy. Don't make the visits too long or with too many people as that can be tiring and overwhelming

Watching with interest as I have similar dilemma. It’s harder when the said person can be rude, unpleasant to visitors even if they visit very regularly.

I would say it depends on your DC - how old are they and how much interaction have they had with her until now?

My Grandma developed dementia over a long period, and I had moved a long way in the meantime. I came back to see her and she passed the next week. I was glad that I had seen her, and she responded a little bit to me. I was an adult though. I would not have wanted my DC to see her that way.

It's pretty frightening when someone can't remember your name or who you are.

My mum had onset Alzheimer’s and had lost all recognition of who we were, but my goodness did she light up when she saw her grandchildren who were about 5 and 10 at the time.
It would have been cruel for us to keep the children away from her. She lit up with them, and it taught the children a lot about compassion

My mother had dementia and passed away 2 years ago. She had been diagnosed 3 years before. She wasn’t aggressive with it but vacant and sometimes she would be distressed which wasn’t easy to see. Her great grandson before being ill was the light of her life and it was sad when she didn’t know who he was but we continued to take him but on her good days. My son would phone me or the nursing home to ask and if it was a good day he would take my grandson if not he would go on his own. It seemed to work well and my grandson would talk to his great grandma about the things that had done together or read to her.

The person with a Dementia diagnosis can benefit from a visit. Would the grandchildren benefit or would it upset them ?

If your Mum doesn't recognise them (and the children have been made aware) and doesn't mind them visiting then, I would say ok.

However, if your Mum does not recognise them and doesn't like them being in the house because of that, then, I don't think there's any benefit to her or them.

It would benefit her if she gets some pleasure from their visit. She might no know who the children are, but if the visit is enjoyable, it's worth it. And it is a good thing for the children, too, to understand that it's important to show care for your elderly family members.

From experience, you have to weigh up benefits to everyone. How does it make her feel, how does it make you feel, how does it make the children feel. Personally I have chosen not to let my children see their grandmother at this late stage as she wouldn’t want them to remember her this way.

When my uncle was in his last weeks he didn't know who we were - but he seemed to like the company, even though he thought we were just strangers off the street. We visited daily for this reason.

The decision about children depends on whether the children are upset by the visits. If it upsets them I'd suggest the adults just go - that way she will still get some company. If the children understand the situation and are happy to continue going then that's great too :).

Provided it isnt distressing for the children then absolutely continue. How old are they? If she becomes distressed can the go into a garden with or without another adult. Visits dont need to be long.

My mil had dementia, she loved seeing children. Our boys found it hard visiting her, but would visit for birthdays and Christmas. My sister used to take her children to visit her as well, she wasn't their granny and they had never known her before she was confused, so they didn't get distressed by it and she loved seeing them.

We were also incredibly blessed with the care home she was in, it was more like a family home, it had pets for the children to play with, including a dog my eldest could take out for a walk when he found it tricky.

So yes, visits from children are beneficial as long as the children are okay with them.

My children stopped visiting their granny when my youngest asked if she had to keep going. Her observation was that she thought that granny was stressed by not knowing who she was and that made her feel uncomfortable. I think now the dementia has advanced so much that she doesn’t know anyone so isn’t stressed anymore but she’s now in a home with visitor limits. So whilst it’s sad that my children won’t see their granny again, in reality the time for any meaningful relationship has long passed.

My Mum had alzheimers & I always took the kids to see her. She wasn't really with it at the end, but occasionally we'd see a bit of 'her' again. Obviously not in the present, but glimpses of years past. My kids coped extremely well with the situation, although like ys all got teary at times. The positive is that they show great empathy to the older generation, especially those who are ill.
I think you should see what the kids think & if they are happy to continue visiting & also how you feel about it( not anyone else)
It's hard going & such an upsetting illness. Sending big hugs x

My DM died of Dementia a few years ago and she loved visitors even though she often wasn't sure who they were, anyone who was kind and smiley was always welcome. With family even though she didn't know them there was still a bond of sorts and I'm sure your DM loves to see your DC. I'm afraid some people can't cope with dementia so make excuses not to visit, their loss. I wish you strength, I know how hard your situation is