Feeling crippled by loneliness 5 years post divorce

[littlebadger38]

I was married/ with my ex husband for 20 years. We had a terribly traumatic divorce 5 years ago, when I discovered he was having an affair and hired a private detective who relayed images of them in the hotel together as it was happening. We have a beautiful 8-year-old son together.

Needless to say my self esteem has been crushed. I fell straight into a terribly toxic relationship with a narcissist type, who played me off against numerous other women. It became an awful FWB type situation, he was emotionally abusive but yet I allowed it to continue for 2 years. God knows why.

I then met another guy, who I was in a relationship with for a year. He has his own emotional issues and lost his best friend to suicide a year before we met. Around 6 months after we started dating I found out he had a cocaine problem. Instead of ending it there and then, I continued the relationship as I cared about him and wanted to try and help. He helped me in lots of practical ways in the house and met my son ( something he pushed for before I found out about the drugs).

He has been very emotionally detached for the entire relationship, I was never sure how he felt about me and he remained in touch with an ex, despite knowing how much it hurt me.

Just before lockdown we had a row and when I asked if he loved me, he just said "No. I don't. I'm sorry, the feelings never happened". I was crushed. Again.

Then during lockdown we essentially remained the same as we had been the entire relationship. Seeing each other when I didn't have my son. Sleeping together etc. We agreed it was a comfort thing, we were each other's bubble and support during lockdown. Spoke every day, basically acted as if we were in a relationship.

Now lockdown has ended, I feel utterly used. He is easing back into online dating yet still comes here and works in my garden ( he's a landscaper). I feel like I've been discarded. But also LOATHE myself for not having the self worth to get rid of him months ago. I am crippled by loneliness, I am still living in the house I lived in with my ex husband and just can't seem to face being alone. I have a lovely family and friends and I adore my son. I have also been drinking to cope with these feelings of abandonment. WTF is wrong with me and why do I allow men to treat me this way?

My son is with my ex DH this weekend and the FWB is off out with mates, no doubt back on the prowl. What a total dick I am. Sometimes I just don't want to be here anymore, just want to be someone's choice for once. I realise this sounds self pitying but I can't take anymore pain.

Sorry that you are going through this. I see you are posting late at night so probably not sleeping, I wanted you to know that there is someone out there listening. Have you come across attachment theory? If not have a google, it sounds like you are ‘anxiously attached’ and end up with the wrong type (avoidantly attached men). There are reasons why anxious and avoidants end up together. If you understand it a bit more you may be able to spot the red flags earlier in relationships and also understand your own behaviour (why you find it hard to dump these men). You say you have friends, I hope that you can/will talk to them.
If it helps, your landscaper probably does care about you (or why would he be doing your garden/speaking every day), if he has an avoidant attachment style he can no more control his lack of emotional closeness than you can manage your fear of abandonment without help from a psychologist. Good luck.

You've got to be your own first choice to start with. If you don't value yourself you'll be giving off the wrong vibes to others and attracting the wrong sort.

You know drinking isn't a good road to go down and it'll only destroy you, so why do it to yourself? Find another way to cope with your feelings. Something healthy. Lots of somethings, if you like. If feeling like you don't want to be here doesn't stop when you stop drinking then go to your GP. It's all about choices.

Take care of your son then take care of you, invest in yourself, in your wellbeing. Create a life you like, do your best to make yourself content. Get professional help with that if you don't know where to start or if you try but just somehow can't figure it out.

Bad men bring you harm and make your life worse. So if you're going to pick bad ones at the moment it's best to take them out of the equation and tell yourself you're not going to date until you've sorted yourself out.

Other people can't fill a void in you you have to fill it yourself. Like your life is a cake and you have to put all the ingredients in and stir it properly. Other people are the cherry on top, nice to have but the cake is already great without it. Using others to fill the void is like eating only half the cake ingredients which you didn't even stir them or bake it, then wondering why you feel sick.

You got divorced so you got out of a bad situation. Proves you can make good choices. Sounds like you skipped the sorting your life out part and went straight into finding another man though.

PPs advice about attachment styles is very good. Like you OP I have found myself in the anxious-avoidant trap on a few occasions (after bereavement of DH in my case - loneliness too). It was bittersweet hell and not the person I want to be, but so hard to break out of at the time. Very painful. But more damaging to stay in that place. I've been single now for 3 years and I have built my strength. You know you need to do the same. Get used to yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company. Then you'll be in a position to truly judge whether a relationship enhances or diminishes your life and you'll have the self-esteem to value yourself and not settle.

You probably still haven’t got over what your husband did and it’s manifested itself in needing to be others. I would suggest you get yourself fixed first and be happy with being alone first before you jump together with anymore men. I imagine your coming across as needy and it’s attracting a certain type/they take advantage/ you turn them off.

Shoe your son you are strong and independent. Stop the drinking ASAP.

Some of your post just sounds very dramatic or panicked or something. So, first, please keep in mind that many, many, many relationships don't work out and that you don't need to be in a relationship in the first place.

Yes, it's very nice to find that one special person but it's also much nicer to be on your own than in one that tears you down rather than building you up.

If I were you, I'd step back from men completely for a while and put my energy into getting counseling instead.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I got divorced a similar time ago and it's hard to date when you have kids. Lots of the people on dating sites aren't very honest, bring lot of problems etc

I agree with the anxious-avoidant attachment trap. I understand that there are a lot of avoidants in the dating pool, it isn't always obvious at first. I agree with pp that your landscaper probably does care for you, he's helping with your garden etc. But it doesn't sound like he's willing/able to have a committed relationship.

The only thing I've found is that throwing yourself into work/hobbies etc can distract from the loneliness (working 50+ hours a week is a massive distraction ) and making your life great can help attract 'better' men because you're happy and self sufficient, so they need to make an effort to 'win' your affection.

What are you afraid of ?
Why can't you spend time on your own ?
Do you have any hobbies or interests ?
Do you want to learn a new skill ?

I can relate to you so much. My marriage ended after 20 years. I was so lonely it was like a physical pain. I too, let myself be used by men looking for crumbs of comfort. I started practicing mindfulness and slowly my mood started to lift. On the day I decided to give up OLD and be happy y myself I met my partner. Been together 6 years now.

Be easy on yourself. You are hurting. Good luck xx

OP you do realise there’s more to life than men?

Get yourself out and about. Join a dance class or hobby class or anything that gets you out amongst new people. You'd be surprised how many others are in the same situation but you won't find friends or company sitting on your bum worrying about your lost self esteem. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself "I'm important too!" People will only treat you like a door mat if you let them.

As pp's said you need to be happy in yourself before you can make good choices about others. Ditch the Landscaper, he's not the person to make you feel you are treasured. At least he was honest with you in that it was a convenience during lockdown and not a proper relationship.

If you can do some counselling to break yourself out of the pattern of choosing people who don't build you up but bring you down, do so as soon as you can.

Then stop looking for a partner, see friends and family and make plans with them. Take up something that interests you a sport, hobby or volunteering or something. Give you something to look forward to outside of your usual routine and less time to feel alone.

Only date again when you feel that you are ready to date, without being willing to accept poor behaviour in your proposed partners and knowing how to spot the red flags.

I was single for a few years after making some disastrous choices in men. It really helped me build up my self esteem and, as others have said, having a relationship is then a bonus not a desperate need.

Lot of good advice here. Me too. Traumatic end of 20+ relationship (4 year affair). Co-dependent. Me - definitely anxious attachment. Him - definitely avoidant attachment type. It's incredibly painful - it's been nearly 4 years since the end of my relationship and I still cry about it. But I survived - and you will too. I'm glad I'm not that person in that relationship anymore.

I had a 10 month relationship straight after. I was able to end it when it became apparent it had no future. But I was 56. If I had of been in my 40s I could imagine getting in a right state with men.

I've spent this weekend alone. Had a cuppa with my neighbour - that was it. I feel lonely all the time. But I would not jeopardise my sense of self for a man. But I've learned a long lesson.....

If I start feeling any of a nest of 'feelings' around men - including that needy anxiety feeling (know that feeling??), I know that is a sign to remove myself. Nothing else. It certainly doesn't mean the man in question is 'love' or deserves to be pursued. I don't try to mend it, or change it - I just exit. I really like knowing I have that level of control now. I don't do OLD (anymore) - it is not for vulnerable people.

If you can, I would strongly advise exploring these issues with a therapist.

Good luck my friend.

This probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but you really need and deserve to learn how to love your own company, not to rely on a man to validate you and distract/entertain you.

IME men are pretty basic creatures and behave as well as you allow them to. As soon as you put high value on yourself and your time, they scurry around you. If you are always available and accept scraps, they get bored.

You sound like you are ready to make this change - you are fed up of feeling like this. There's a really simple exercise I was taught by a friend decades ago when I was so upset about a rubbish relationship breaking up. You draw a big square and divide it into nine equal sections. In each section put a key aspect of life e.g. family in one, friends in another, love in a third, but also work, hobbies, community, fitness etc. Every day or at very least every week, do something to develop and enhance each aspect of your life. So really focus on a good night out with friends, on increasing your fitness in a workout, on quality time with your son, on developing your skill or knowledge in something that interests you. That way you have a rich purposeful life that isn't reliant on a man, and also, you are a more interesting an independent person which is very attractive to a man, so win win.