Separated from emotionally abusive husband

[Tulip55]

Looking to hear from others who have been through similar. I separated from my emotionally abusive ex at the end of last year and moved out into a rented house. We have 2 kids which go back and forth between us.
I have been trying to move on with my life, doing lots of things alone for the first time, regaining my confidence slowly. Then once in a while something sets me back.
My ex already introduced his new girlfriend and kids to our kids, it has been an extra strain on my eldest child that has caused me a lot of pain to watch.
Then earlier this week my ex randomly asked me to join him and the kids on an outing, I told him no and explained it would confuse the kids further and that I had no interest in doing it anyway, also mentioned how our eldest wasn't coping with everything and the new gf wasn't helping. He told me he shouldn't have done it, that he knew he had made things worse for our eldest. I finally thought he had seen sense and was going to put the kids first.
This weekend he has the kids and lo and behold they are with the gf and thier kids. I just feel so stupid for actually believing him. I have been fooled so many times. Its left me feeling hopeless again when I had been doing so well.
I dont know how to keep him away and stop him doing this when we have the kids between us.
Any advice welcome 🙏

Don't intervene in his decisions as that way you cannot be pulled into the stress nor blamed as an accessory.

Oh bless you. You're doing so well, the hardest part is done - -actually leaving him-- it can't be easy, but it won't be as hard as still being with him and abused by him. Feeling sorry for your eldest, how old are the DC?
He sound not have introduced someone so soon and in such a way to upset the DC. It's probably some attempt to get back at you, unfortunately. You're quite right not to want to get involved.

All you can do is watch from the sidelines and make sure DC know how much you love them and are there for them. Don't ask too much about what's going on over there (only what's necessary), they might want to keep there space with you free of father/partner.

They are 8 and 10 years old. I am trying my best but I'm not the best actress and the kids can tell im upset no matter how hard I try...not helped by my ex telling the kids I'm just pretending to be ok with him having a gf when I'm not.
This has just floored me, I thought I could cope with it but as soon as it started affecting the kids it got to me and I'm just so upset and angry.
I just dont understand how he can carry on doing what he's doing after openly admitting that its hurting our kids.

I have been there, my exH went off with OW, but you need to find ways to detach from him and the situation. Your priority is your time with DCs, he will need to make his own mistakes and you cannot have the input in what happens (unless unsafe).

I just wish I didn't have to talk to him, I wouldn't get these set backs then. But I know that would be difficult for my children.
Most days I can manage it, but I just hate how he still has some kind of hold on me, that he is able to still make me feel the way he did in the relationship...even though I have zero romantic feeling for him anymore. Deep down although I hate to admit it I still care and actually felt a bit worried due to the way he was talking before, he sounded really down...and then a few days later he's doing the thing he told me he regretted.

I just dont understand how he can carry on doing what he's doing after openly admitting that its hurting our kids

I suspect it's because he doesn't love your kids - not in the way that you (and most people) love their family. To him, kids are more of an accessory. They enable him to look like a loving, caring father to his new victim/girlfriend.

In order to stop him hurting you with this behaviour, you have to let go of the hope that he'll suddenly transform into the man you originally fell in love with. Because that man doesn't exist. He was simply a mask to hook you in, and to portray to the outside world.

Perhaps the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid might help you to detach? I think they are running online now. Or therapy gif yourself, with a counsellor experienced in abusive relationships.

It's a tough road. But please comfort yourself that you're doing the best thing for your dc. You sound like such a lovely mum. I hope things get easier for you soon 🌸

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I think your right but no matter how much I tell myself that he's just not capable of the love the kids deserve, he then says something and gives me hope that he is. Ofcourse I see this is the same pattern I went through in our relationship.
I will try the freedom programme. Thanks.