Changes in friendship post children

[bookh]

Feeling really sad tonight and looking for some advice. Have name changed as some friends on here.

I live very rural, family farm. Four brothers, I am best friends with one of my SIL. She has three older children, I adore them. I couldn't have children, spent years with her and hers, like a second mum. Every rural meet up I would have kids or stay back with her. I would help with shopping, childcare, big presents, everything really.

2019 I had a baby, last year another. Everything has changed.

Tonight they are all having a gathering in the shed. I'm here alone. Not one has offered to sit even for half an hour so I could pop along. Nobody ever does. I never see her anymore, I have to really force it. Nothing, no catch ups, no help, nothing at all.

I, so sad I've lost my friend. I Honestly thought we were close, I just feel like I was a use to her and now she can't be bothered. I understand little ones are hard when yours are grown up, but I was there for all that and in some ways feel like I'm starting again as well.

I tried to talk to her a few weeks back and she just said they were busy. Even little things, I'm so unimportant. I went to see my parents with kids this week, my covid letter arrived and she ignored it, I missed the appointment. The post goes to the main house and is split. She knew it was there. I used to always light fire, get milk if they had been away, again nothing.

I'm at home with two under two and I'm so lonely and sad.

Is it time to let it go. How do I do that? Please be gentle, I'm so sad.

It sounds like she's a user, happy for you to be there while you were useful but not interested in helping you now the shoe is on the other foot. Some people are just like that. I'd suggest you make an effort to go to some mother and baby classes and make some friends with children of the same age and don't bother with her anymore.

You poor thing, I'm sorry, that's so sad. You do need to let go though. Stop expecting anything from her and work on accepting her as she is. That may be someone who has nothing to offer you.

That’s shit.

Can you move? Somewhere where there’s more going on so you have opportunity to meet people at the same stage in life as you?

And why couldn’t your DH stay with the DC so you could go along to the thing in the shed?

You haven't lost a friend, you've just been shown that you never had one.

Life is long and now you know what she's really like you can focus on building a strong relationship with your 2 kids and with adults who actually care about you.

Sat crying. Twenty plus years just gone.

Can't move unless I left DH. Makes me not want to go outside.

DH could have sat and did offer, it's more why didn't she that niggles me. Five of them, versus one of me. Why do they not think, great they might both like to go, like we used to, lets offer. Or pop in and catch up early on, say hi, check ok.

Loads of tiny, stupid examples I guess, none if them important but all add up.

Nothing family friendly, everything pitched to exclude me. Or us. Huge family get together Tuesday, cousins, all brothers, arranged when I was away. Saw photos on social media.

Thank you. I think I knew deep down just needed to write it.

If she was ever your friend tell her. Or ask for help. Tell her what you need her to do. She may not realise what you want but you have nothing to lose. Don't be upset, there's very few people you can ever rely on throughout your whole life.

I can see why you're sad - you have invested a lot in your nieces and nephews. I would say that they will remember how nice you have been. Once they're older and your children are older they can surely babysit? Try to see it as her loss - she won't have that relationship with your children. You'll always have that bond.

She sounds like a user - it seems quite common on here.

It's quite a hard stage having two under 2s. I was exhausted. But it does get easier.

I do adore them, wonderful people.

The babysitting thing is maybe a stupid example. It's more about the company side. I would never, ever have had her sat alone all evening, I would have popped in pre mobiles or messaged latterly to see if she was ok. It's hard to explain, as I say loads of tiny stupid things alone which are nothing but which add up.

Maybe I do need to spell it out. I want my friend back.

Speak to her directly OP and ask (non confrontationally) why she's changed. So much is assumed because people don't communicate directly with each other in British culture.

Also have a think whether you yourself have changed since you had kids? Stopped spending quality time with them? Maybe she feels you only hung out with her so much because you didn't have kids and now you've got them , has just assumed you want to spend your time hanging out with your own all the time.

This is nothing about what you've done. You've been a great friend! She is just a user. Unfortunately, you can't expect people to return the favour as they may not be capable of it. Once you let go of those expectations, you might be able to move forward. But definitely.... don't assume. Ask outright. Then you know 100% the make of her.

I don't understand why you didn't take up your DH's offer and go along? Or why so much is on her when as you say there's five of them who could've helped out. It sounds like there's more to it than her being a user - probably a mix of you both changing/being at less compatible life stages - and it's better to go with that vibe of your last post of missing her friendship/wanting her company and see how she responds to that. Hopefully she'll be positive. It's really hard with little ones so you have my sympathy, though I also know what it's like out the other side. Older ones aren't always easy either and she might feel like it's her time to be a bit more selfish. You could do some of that too, lean on your DH more and go join the party next time.

Perhaps you may need to reflect on your relationship when things were good as it sounds like YOU were always doing a lot of the work - you made sure she wasn’t alone, you messaged her to check she was ok, you would hang out with her kids. Are you sure it hasn’t always been a one sided friendship? Perhaps things haven’t changed but you’re no longer able to do all the work now