Leaving a relationship

[Theseathesky]

I think I'm at the point where I need to seriously start thinking about this. 90% of the time, we are fine but the other 10% we are awful. I really don't know where to start with this.

We have one young DC and two dogs. Rented accommodation by virtue of his job. I am part time but soon to go back into full time education. I am not young. I have no money of my own.

I have tried leaving before but I always end up saying let's try again. I love him dearly and the thought of him having a life without me, and me without him, terrifies me. I have issues from my childhood which probably mean I have accepted certain behaviours even though I know I would say to a friend that they need to leave in the same situation.

I never know whether or not to categorise this as DV as he has never hit me, but he has pushed me and held me to the ground on several occasions. I always end up with bruises. That is just for background as this hasn't happened recently.

I am scared to ever say if I am feeling insecure because he will turn it into an attack on him and make me feel guilty for saying anything. I am not sure if this is what you would call gaslighting.

He has done some bad things but I am not allowed to ever mention them because they are in the past.

He is working away at the moment and has not been in touch much. I mentioned I felt upset he had time to do something leisurely but hadn't had time to call me. He went crazy and hung up on me.

I think it is this particular behaviour that has made me think, I can't live the rest of my life like this. I burst into tears after he hung up and my DC said "did Daddy make you sad again?" And then recounted a previous time where we hid in the bedroom because he had made me sad again. DC is 3.

Sorry to waffle on. What I have come here to ask is I want to start thinking about how on earth I leave. Where will I live with no money and two dogs? I can't leave them behind. I have family who could have them temporarily though. I don't know what help I can get or where to start?

I think we will act as though nothing has happened and carry on as we always do. And I can do that for now. But I want to be in a position to be able to leave. Perhaps that sounds really callous and maybe I should leave immediately if this is how I feel, but I need to get things in order.

Do I need him to kick me out to be able to ask for help from the council? I don't want to say I'm leaving until I have left.

This is DV - he has held you down / hurt you / left you with bruises
Would you accept this for one of your children ?
This is how you are raising them to think maybe this is ok
Please get out .. women's aid is a good place to start for helpful advice if no family or friends available
Take care @Theseathesky

This is your realisation and time to go

Absolutely DV. I'm sorry.
Well done for starting to make plans and thinking about leaving. It won't be easy, but I promise it will be worth it. You could be in a much more peaceful and happy situation in just a few months.

Do you have family you could stay with in the initial few months?

Oh yes. It’s definitely classed as DV.

There is a wealth of advice on MN about DV and leaving a relationship. I agree, Women’s Aid is the best place to start if you can. You’ll get lots of help.

Meanwhile, get copies or originals of all paperwork and passports, birth certificates and stash them somewhere safe or at a friends house.

Also check with the council re housing, as I’m sure if you move out to a relatives house, you’re not classed as homeless, and therefore go to the bottom of the list.
Someone has also mentioned a dog charity that’ll temporarily foster dogs in situations like this.

Thank you for your replies and kind words. I feel really embarrassed to be in this situation.

No you are right, I would not accept this for DC. I don't really like myself or respect myself which is, I am sure, why I am still here. There is definitely a big part of me that goes away thinking I deserve this because I'm probably not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. I'm not confident, I'm insecure and I worry about minor things incessantly and that can't be easy to have to deal with everyday. But I am trying to work on that.

I do have family I could stay with. But that's my worry - I won't be able to find a place of my own because the authorities will view me as having a place to live already. It's definitely a 'good' problem to have, I realise that so many do not have the support of their family and why should I be allocated a place to live when I do have that support. But I find it suffocating and I just want to be able to bring DC up by myself. I appreciate the irony in that

Thank you again. I will contact Womens Aid to find out my options. To have made this decision feels like a big weight has been lifted, whilst also feeling the scariest thing in the world. I just want to be in a position where I can feel positive about the future.

My god. You absolutely can't stay. I'm so sorry about the dogs, I had to have mine rehomed after a DV situation as I couldn't find anywhere that would let me have her. Still makes me cry years later but I wouldn't ever go back to the situation I was in. These men often end up taking things out on the pets as well then you're all suffering.

Things are different from council to council so do check, but as long as you make it clear that you're dossing on a relatives floor and can't stay, as opposed to having moved in with them then it shouldn't affect your place on the list

You might have to ask the relative to confirm in writing that you can't stay longer term

First thing my ex husband did to me was lift me up off a chair with his hand around my neck, last thing he did was break 3 ribs. Please leave op.