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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No sex

9 replies

RubyRed12 · 29/05/2021 08:35

DH has been messaging and talking to a woman from work and when i found out he admitted he had fallen in love with her. They've not met physically because she started work in another office a few months before lockdown. Even though he denies it, i know he calls her daily (i leave my old phone on voice recording and hide it in his office) when i go shopping, for a walk etc.
I've heard him tell her he loves and how he would like to meet her when they can.
We've argued about this for a few months and when he lied about what he was doing, i told him i had proof because i recorded some conversations. He went mental and left for a few weeks to stay in a hotel.
We talked and agreed that because nothing had actually happened, we would give the marriage another go. Our sex life was good for a few weeks but then we argued and he slept in the spare room and stayed there for about a month.
Last week he came back to sleep in our bedroom, last night i tried to have sex but he told me he was not in the mood - he has never refused sex before! When i pushed him further he made so many excuses, he couldn't get hard etc
What is this all about? Is he so in love with OW tjat he cant be intimate with me?
Is my marriage over?

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 29/05/2021 08:40

OP I am so so sorry -

I think you need to talk to him and find out what he wants. What you describe isn’t nothing happening unfortunately, obviously he hasn’t met this women so the relationship remains a fantasy, but it does sound like he’s checked out. If that’s the case, better you know and accept it now.

DinosaurDiana · 29/05/2021 08:45

I personally can’t see why you are still with him.

Tal45 · 29/05/2021 08:45

It sounds like he's checked out. I would take back control and tell him it's over and that he needs to leave. You deserve much better than this, you can't make it work on your own. Kick him out and concentrate on yourself.

starrynight21 · 29/05/2021 08:51

What is this all about? Is he so in love with OW that he cant be intimate with me?

I'm afraid the answer is yes, he can't have sex with you because he is in love with someone else. I'm not sure why you'd expect him to be able to turn it on like a machine.

He has said he loves the OW, you've heard him saying it. Time to move on, not time to try having sex as if nothing had happened.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2021 09:02

I think you have your head firmly in the sand. You have heard him tell another woman that he loves her and wants to be with her. What more do you need?

RubyRed12 · 29/05/2021 09:12

I agree it sounds like he has checked out, but we've been married for nearly 20 years, i thought he would still be interested in us but it seems like he's not. The fact that he's never met her and checked out of our marriage so quickly hurts like hell

OP posts:
Phoenix121 · 29/05/2021 09:32

The 20 year marriage milestone does seem to be a recurring theme in situations like this.

It might be that he's caught up in fantasy-land and has temporarily forgotten about reality.

Did he say why he thought he'd fallen in love with her?

RubyRed12 · 31/05/2021 15:49

Today he told.me he has no feelings for me. To be honest, i knew deep down he had fallen out of love with me. I feel numb and deeply hurt.
How do i move forward?

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 31/05/2021 16:06

How do I move forward

Take charge!!

Tell him it's over and you will be seeing a divorce lawyer. Then get him to move into the spare room, sleep on the sofa.

He wants her, he can't have his cake and eat it

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