help

[SueG]

My husband has just told me that he does not enjoy being a father. Seriously. Where do I go from here? I told him that I wasn't particularly enjoying being his wife at the moment and stropped off. Maybe this wasn't the best idea. Our little boy is gorgeous, 14 months old, hard work of course, but dh doesn't seem to get the idea that parenthood = hard graft and the rewards are endless. Just so fed up with him. I'm at home full time and he doesn't have to do that much to be honest. Help!

SueG - well maybe he didn't mean it in a nasty way, just being honest. I regularly moan to myself and anyone who'll listen that I hate being a mother. I love my daughter madly but I hate the drudgery, obligation and responsibilty of being a mother (not all the time)

I'm sorry you're fed up with him and can completely understand why you're fed up. Hope it's just a throwaway comment that doesn't mean something more. But, unless you feel there IS something more to it, I would just treat it as a throwaway, albeit one that you have found hurtful, comment.

Hi SueG - maybe he is just going through a phase of parenting. I think even adults can go through all kinds of life changing phases. Maybe as your ds gets a little older and can do more independent things with dad he might start feeling better. Has he had a good bonding with him since birth. Sometimes this comes a little later for some parents mostly fathers. Usually when they start interacting more and to them arent seen as so boring.

SueG, agree with Tinker, maybe he was just being honest and saying how he feels and it was just a passing throwaway comment. Do you think there's more to it?

I have also spent a LOT of time moaning about how hard parenthood is and how much I hate it sometimes and I certainly felt that way when ds was 14 months. I find him so much more rewarding now he can speak and communicate with me and play and learn things, maybe your DH will feel the same? (I know, it's a long time to wait though I know it's not the same for everyone but I hated that baby stage too and enjoy my son much more now he's 5. A lot of it before 3/4 is just drudgery IMO! Can you ask him to explain properly what exactly he is unhappy about? And maybe tell him about your days too and elicit some sympathy/understanding? Good luck.

SueG, how upsetting for you to realise he does not see parenthood in the same way as you. However, I had a similar thing with dh about 6 months ago and have now come out the other side. Basically dh told me that parenthood was harder, more overwhelming, more draining etc than he could ever have expected and although he loved dd, he didn't want any more children (I have always wanted lots, so he knew this may cause a problem). However, I think that often people just need to have permission to feel the way they are feeling and to be told that it's okay. Often people don't enjoy things because of the pressure and expectations that are unconsciously put on them. I was quite shocked when dh told me this, but said that I understood the way he felt, would like more children myself, but would respect his feelings and that I wouldn't actually want to have any more children unless we were in it together anyway. I suggested that his feelings may change with time, but ultimately said that if they didn't then there was little he could do about it and that was fine. He was really relieved to have been able to admit that fatherhood was not quite what he expected it to be and that in many respects he found bits of it boring and constraining. However, less than two months later he had changed his mind and said that being given the space to say it wasn't what he had expected had enabled him to breathe a bit and take things as they came with no pressure. He relaxed more with dd and consequently really enjoys her company and delights in her as much as I do.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am trying to simplify things or suggest that a book can fix your problems, but on a completely seperate, more practical level my dh has enjoyed being with dd much more since reading bits from a book called Baby Talk by Dr Sally Ward. I think that as a man he had never really thought about the individual processes that make up a baby's learning and development and so he just saw babyhood as one long arduous road, rather than focusing in on her small milestones and the massive amount of work on dd's part to reach each of them. This book basically goes through how best to talk to your child at each age of babyhood in order to help them develop. Within a day of putting it into practice dh had an enormous amount of enthusiasm as he saw dd learning things and responding as a direct result of what he was doing with her. Before this I think he had found it difficult to bond with her, but this gave him a way of communicating with her that really appealed to him. Hope this helps, although can understand that getting your dh to read a book like this may be pushing it a little. This book had been sitting on the shelf since before dd was born and it was only very recently that he read a chapter out of it, having never read a 'baby book' before.

p.s. can imagine how furious you are though, when it is you who spends all day at home with ds, and also how rejected on ds's behalf you must be feeling.

My dh is always talking about when we could lie in, and when we had great holidays. To a certain extent, I feel the same, and this sometimes makes me feel really awful. That said, neither of us would EVER want things to be different. My ds is also 14 months old, and has been very hard work. He is very demanding, because I think he gets frustrated easily with not being able to talk or walk. I think that he will get alot easier when he can.

Maybe your dh cannot see the future in a good light because he can only remember all the hard work that has gone before. I'll bet that he will be totally different as soon as your ds is talking to him, and looking up to him as his great Daddy. It is a good sign that he felt he could tell you how he was feeling, and could show that he is just needing a bit of understanding from you. I tend to get all defensive of behalf of my ds when dh makes comments, but deep down, I appreciate the truth that our lives HAVE changed irrevocably, and can empathise with him.

In addition I believe that men are programmed differently to us, and that they do not adapt to the boringness of being a parent to a very young child. Obviously, I am not saying this as a scientifically proven fact, it is just my OPINION (before anyone shouts at me!!!) I have noticed that I, previously an intelligent woman who held down a very stressful and varied job, have become happy to discuss all aspects of babyhood with a higher boredom threshold than I had prior to motherhood.

Good luck, and cut your dh a bit of slack. He can't help being a man!

I really do sympathise. I think that perhaps your dh will feel better as your little boy gets older and he can share more with him, whether it's his football team or his enthusiasm for fast cars, or whatever. Again I wouldn't wnat to suggest that all problems can be solved by reading a book but you could try giving him Rob Parson's 'The Sixty Minute Father'. One day your little boy will be a grown man and won't need his daddy to kick a ball around with him or take him swimming. Your dh should make the most of it because it will go so quickly!

SueG, lots of good advice here, nothing much to add, except that whenever I've had it up to the back teeth with my four kids, I quietly contemplate what my life would be without them. It works every time, makes me appreciate the bigger picture and all the joy they have brought to me and dh (aka Colonel Von Trapp - he finds fatherhood very stressful! )

oh SueG, he sounds like one of those 'glass half empty' people ie the hard graft bit makes more of an impression than the endless rewards. also not being at home with ds that much probably means he doesn't get to see as much endless joy as you - and doesn't know him as well as you. my dh says since our dd has been talking and interacting more he's bonded with her much more. this coincided with me getting a bit more 'hard line' on the time they spend together - I work 3 days a week, spend the end of the week with dd, so I asked him to go to the park, swimming etc with her on Saturday and Sunday mornings to give me some 'me' time and them some time together too. I'm not saying you should necessarily do this - he may resist if he's feeling negative about parenting already - but it's certainly paid dividends with me and their relationship is incredibly close now. and now we BOTH go into dd's room to look at her when she's asleep and say Ahhhhhhhhhh together!

Such good advice, thank you so, so much everybody. We talked more last night, not that successfully, I'll admit, but I am calming down in the cold light of day and now that he is at work! I know that he loves ds to pieces but you're all absolutely right, he is just finding it hard at the moment and I do believe now that it is a phase that will pass. I think I took it as a rejection of ds, which is not how it was meant, dh assures me, and because I am so bound up with the baby, I perceived it as a rejection of me as well... silly moo, anyway, I feel vastly better now, you're all stars!

There are times when I didn't enjoy being a mother! There is a big difference between this and not wanting to be a father any more. A male friend at work said he didn;t like his kids much until they got to about 2 and could start to communicate - I thought that was terrible but he reckons a large number of dads are like that but don't (too scared?) admit it. Also, both of my kids used to get really cranky from about 6:30 til bedtime. Is he seeing more of this bit and less of the rest?

Yes berries, you are right, ds can be a ratbag in the evening and also tends to be more unsettled at the w/end, basically I think because he is v. excited that Daddy is home, so much more exciting than boring old Mummy..!

My dh confessed that he didn't really enjoy being a father until ds1 was nearer 2 than 1. I don't think most men really find little ones all that loveable - dh says he doesn't have the hormones for it.
I think for dh, the first couple of years were just hard graft - the rewards didn't come till later.

although i loved my kids and cared for them - i didnt really "like them" until the last couple of years from about the age of 6 or 7 - but then i never claimed to be normal! thank goodness