DH UNEMPLOYED AGAIN

[JX84]

Ladies, I'm feeling down. My husband is unemployed again, he is a contractor, and this is the 4/5 time in the past eight years. I have a solid, nicely paid, stable job but I wish it was the same for him too. He contracts because he had big debts with HMRC, all his disposable income went on HMRC payments ALL the time and all of my income goes on holidays and things for the home etc. I am fed up, I want him to support me and look after me, not the other way round. I am fed up with having to be the once to support him and try and handle his depression when he is down about it because it's really starting to get me down too. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this thread because I can't talk to my friends as from the outside everything looks great.

Seemingly endless debt couple with job insecurity can’t be fun. Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time.

Do you have a repayment plan? How long will it take for the debt to be paid off? Maybe holidays need to be put to one side for the moment? Though I don’t know how much this would impact on other family members (ie. kids)... What is the bigger problem? The debt? Or the job insecurity?

So he gets out of paying his taxes by being self-employed? Did you know about his huge debt to HMRC before you married him? Did he rack it up without your knowing during the marriage?

Well, it is what it is, though. He won't ever be an equal partner financially if he has this debt, sadly.

@JX84

My husband IS paying his taxes, please don't take this message to mean we avoid paying what we should. We both met at work, we were both made redundant at the same time as I had our first child. Took him a while to get a new job (18 months) He had a few years of debt, credit cards etc with bad advice from his accountant and is paying his way now. He had a repayment plan in place with HMRC which is now FINALLY paid off - £70k in years katy1213 so take your bleeding heart and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. I'm looking for emotional support not handouts or freebies.

So if he no longer in debt to HMRC when is he not seeking out a regular job and still doing the self employed gigs?

thank you osbertthesyrianhamster you're 100% right.

He doesn't get out of paying taxes by being self employed, he pays CT, personal tax and VAT.

@JX84

thank you osbertthesyrianhamster you're 100% right.

He doesn't get out of paying taxes by being self employed, he pays CT, personal tax and VAT.

But if he's not on equal footing and he has no more debt then isn't it time he gets a regular job so you're not left holding the can all the time?

Why did he generate the 70k debt?

osbertthesyrianhamster - he's currently looking for work - permanent and contract. Nothing secure as yet. I am struggling with the insecurity of it all. Because I have been in this position quite a few times and it has been incredibly hard on our relationship and I can feel myself going into a dark place. I try to talk to him but obviously I know he isn't feeling great about it and just wanted to get some support because as much as I try and talk to my friends they don't understand.

I am trying to understand your situation. From what I can gather, he was in a huge amount of debt that he has now paid off. He was working as a contractor because that would help him pay off the debts more easily than a regular job. He’s currently unemployed but the debts are paid.

I am sorry money is so stressful for you right now. If his debts are paid, I would be encouraging a stable, secure job now.

If they're true friends why are you putting up a front to them? Are you someone who likes projecting a false perfect image to people? Obviously you don't tell friends every single detail of your marriage but surely that's what friends are for, to offload to/chat about life's significant problems

About your husband...it's understandable you're feeling down but unless things change nothing will be resolved. He needs to

1. Get treatment for his depression: therapy, meds, self care etc. and stick to it.
2. Change to an in-house job position or change field or career so he gets a stable job.

You need to be completely honest with him about how this all is affecting you, while of course saying to him you still love him and are there to support. So that he does 1 and 2 above.

I have been a similar situation a few times. It was horrible. Your life goes on hold and all you think about is money, paying the bills. No help I'm afraid. Just had to ride it out.

Talk to your friends. It might feel like a bruise to your ego but friends are there to support you. It’s very fake to try and put on a perfect facade — life isn’t like that. If they judge you then they aren’t genuine friends.

Ah God insecurity is hard. Sorry to hear things are tough. And it is cold and exposed being the breadwinner, I've been there though actually I would still pick my steady paycheque over being 'supported' by someone else - my experience of family and partners is that men always lurched around losing jobs and becoming self employed and not earning anything. In the end being the breadwinner gives you solid ground under your feet.

Maybe look at it that your dh always does get another contract each time. He's done well paying 70k off. Now what - what's the next financial goal? If he earns well, time for big pension/savings? You might feel better then.

Thanks. You're totally right x

PermanentTemporary - you're right pension and savings is the next step. Just need to get a job first and I know with the savings that would make me and him feel more secure.

I think it depends on whether he's trying or not and only you know that. DH was made redundant 3 years ago under pretty upsetting circumstances (new boss came in and got rid of all senior staff to replace them with his friends). He did contracts and was doing ok but Covid hit and he hasn't had anything for 6 months. But I see him applying for jobs and contracts every day and going for interviews- there are so many people looking just now it's really hard.

It makes me anxious but I know he's doing his best so I cope. DH does all the cooking, cleaning etc while I work. I don't really talk to my friends as i don't really know what to say to be honest.

I guess what I'm saying is if he's trying hard then maybe he needs your support

OP that’s tough! My husband was a contractor (financial services) when he was young and because of some family reasons and the stupidity of youth he racked up some considerable debt too. I think in the contracting field, it’s easily done, tax being paid later and all. I’ve been in your situation having to help him out and getting frustrated between the lulls in contracts. Like your hubby, it really affected my husbands self esteem and he ended up depressed and riddled with anxiety too.

To be honest, paying off £70k is a considerable achievement, so well done to both of you!

I think the next step for him would be to focus on fixed term employment, that will be more stable for him and you. Fixed term employment will most likely take a huge burden off both of your shoulders, plus he’ll get extra benefits that don’t come with it like defined pension, annual leave, sick pay etc.

My husband found it quite hard to get people to take a chance on him due to the fact the contracts looked like he couldn’t hold down a job from a HR point of view. So maybe hubby could spend some real time getting a strong CV and doing some networking?

Chrysanthemum5 - I understand what you are going through. My hubby is exactly the same and he is being proactive and applying for jobs etc. I think my issue is that this is the 4th time in the period of 8 years that we have been in this situation and my resentment about it has built up. I hate feeling this way (and so does he) it's awful and of course I want to be the supportive wife but I don't think this is a good way to live having this hanging over our heads every couple of years.

Last year my husband took a 20% rate cut due to covid but we managed. That is what we do though, we just re-adjust and mange somehow. Stop going out, stop doing things, cut back here, cut back there. It's tiring. And it's brilliant that I have a good job and can support him to an extent but I'd like to supported, I want to be looked after and not have to think about where my money is going, I want my husband to be the breadwinner. I guess for me it's also disappointing because just when I thought we had turned a corner with HMRC and things might be looking up he is now out of work again.

Sleeplessem - thanks for your post. Sound like we are married to the same person! hahah! It's really hard talking to friends because they just don't get it. There is no empathy and I find that difficult. It really helps just talking to someone who has been in the same boat. Thank you. x

@JX84 I just want to reassure you, yes it’s rough but it can and does get easier. My hubby had to take a Job that was frankly beneath him and a 10k pay cut a year just to get fixed experience BUT he was then able to manage to use that experience to get a much better and stable role at a bank that was a 15k pay rise, and since then he’s gone from strength to strength and in himself, he’s a different person and now he earns more than me by considerable margin.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat xx