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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heartbroken — it’s complicated

22 replies

Earlgrey19 · 28/05/2021 19:01

Ok, I thought I would ask for Mumsnet wisdom on this one.

I had a relationship for six months with a friend I had known for about a year as a friend, who was recently separated when we got together. He has a young child. Feelings were (& are) very strong and deep between us. He struggled with only seeing his son 50% of week, though, and began to really start breaking down over it and feeling suicidal. He grew up in social care himself (children’s homes & foster homes) and the break up of the family, which is painful for anyone, was especially so for him. His wife also put strong pressure for him to return, though she knew he was having a relationship with me. He told her he can’t love her as he loves me and told her that he tried to separate amicably but that she wasn’t letting him (she threatened him that if he didn’t return she would move to Scotland with her child and he wouldn’t see his kid). Anyway, on Christmas Day he returned home and agreed with her to give it another try. We haven’t seen each other since, though we speak on the phone sometimes. He is depressed at being back in the marriage and says he wants to be with me but is afraid of the pain of leaving his family. He is saying this also to his wife who is understandably angry and has told him he is a coward for not leaving the marriage if he feels like that. At the same time, she doesn’t end it. They just go on like that.Despite the messiness and his choice to do this, I just can’t get over him. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. We could talk forever. He is really wonderful with children and my kids adored him. His kid and my eldest grew really close friends. When we were together we just did a lot of normal things together with the kids, and it felt a profound connection. He still tells me occasionally that he loves me and thinks of me every minute. I know this isn’t fair to either me or his wife, but I am struggling to cut off contact and to stop hoping in a little corner of my heart. Every park and playground in the city feels unbearably painful because they are all places we took the kids and spent happy days. I’m trying to see my friends plenty, and also just to focus on my kids, but every day I feel so much pain about him.
Thoughts?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2021 19:05

You need to completely stop communicating with him because it's causing nothing but more problems. You are engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a married man. Just stop it. Block him, take time to get your bearings, and move on with your life.

wdmtthgcock · 28/05/2021 19:49

He doesn't get to go back to his wife while keeping you on the back burner. It's not fair to anyone.
You need to cut him off completely now.
It is entirely inappropriate for him to be telling you he loves you.

Please block him so you can begin to heal properly.
You will find someone else you love more than him.
Don't we all say at some point "I've never loved anyone like I love him" and then when it's over and you've healed you often can't remember what you liked about the person never mind why you loved them.

You will heal but it will take time.

dancealittleclosertome · 28/05/2021 19:55

He wants a family life. You should stop communicating with him - it's not fair on anyone. If he grew up in care then he's going to be vulnerable. Let him try to keep his family unit together.

PriestessofPing · 28/05/2021 20:13

So was he still with his wife and not separated while you were friends? How did he become such a big part of your kids life in six months? How young is his young child?

This all sounds very very fast and intense and it’s not fair on anyone - not you, not his wife and not the children.

pictish · 28/05/2021 20:17

He sounds dreadful, lying to his wife and keeping you dangling. All very me me me.

premium77 · 28/05/2021 20:18

He’s telling you one thing and his wife another. I think you are romanticising you connection , if he loved you as much as your described then he would be with you.

He’s stringing you both along and you’re both ignorantly believing him.

ChristmasFluff · 28/05/2021 20:21

You know that old Facebook status of 'it's complicated'?

Shallon Lester has completely correctly called it as "I love him and he doesn't love me"

Sorry, @Earlgrey19. She's completely right.

Even in the unlikely event that his wife's story is the same as his, he doesn't love you. If he did, he would leave. And then you would have a man who you know will cheat. YAY!!!!!

You are worth more - so much more, in every way. Why do you not see that? Really ask yourself that. Far more important than focussing on this cheaty arse.

Fromneverland · 28/05/2021 20:24

He’s treating you like the bit on the side and your clinging on.
He has a wife
And a child
If he wanted you he’d be with you. Regardless of her or his child.
He’s not, so block and move on

Haffiana · 28/05/2021 20:27

It isn't complicated. It is very simple.

He was unfaithful to his wife and you were the OW. He is also a cunt because he wants to carry on having his ego stroked by you, and he throws you his oh, so cliched breadcrumbs.

Stop being a part of his pathetic game. All this deep and meaningful stuff you feel will make you cringe in a couple of months when you finally wake up and start getting really, REALLY angry at his behaviour.

MaizeBlouse · 28/05/2021 20:29

So it's complicated cos he's married???
Seriously I never get this whole 'it's love like I've never imagined'. It isn't special undeniable love. It's an affair and you should walk away now.

pictish · 28/05/2021 20:33

Yes...special, undeniable love. That he went back to his wife for.
Fact.

Suzi888 · 28/05/2021 20:38

Cut contact or you’ll never be able to move on.

Original poster

Earlgrey19 · 28/05/2021 20:47

Thanks all. He was separated living in his own flat when I started hanging out with him. They had separated due to their own issues before he knew me.

Yes, I can see the point re cutting contact, it makes sense.

The contact has all come from him, not me since he returned home.

Please be gentle with me. I’m struggling quite a lot and feeling quite fragile. I’m in therapy to think about why I’ve got myself into this mess, am just really, really struggling to get out of it, though moving in that direction a bit even by posting here about it as I knew it would be a round of condemnation of him (and possibly me).

OP posts:

Blueskytoday06 · 28/05/2021 20:48

He's waiting for his wife to eventually wake up and make the decision that he's pushed her into making i.e not being together. He can then say he tried and it was her decision thus absolving him from any guilt.
While you're waiting for this mess to be resolved your life is passing you by. I
You need to accept the fact that he has chosen to remain with his family (rightly or wrongly) and be the strong one to establish no contact.
You can, you will, you must move on.

CustardyCreams · 28/05/2021 20:58

I know the agony that you are feeling, and honestly the ONLY thing you can do is send him a message saying you cannot be in contact as it is causing you too much pain, and then block him, delete his number, archive all the photos you have of him. Don’t let yourself be tempted to be in touch with him. It will be horrible, possibly for several months, and you might still think of him frequently, but it is the only way to heal. You simply must put him into your past and move on. I’m really sorry for you, it is a horrible thing to go through.

By the way, I do believe he may have loved you just as much as you loved him. Returning to his wife in order to stay in his child’s life really cannot have been an easy choice, and I would be surprised if that marriage survives. He needs to give it a proper go, which he can’t do if he is hanging on to you, so you’d be doing him a favour too by blocking him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/05/2021 20:59

@Blueskytoday06

He's waiting for his wife to eventually wake up and make the decision that he's pushed her into making i.e not being together. He can then say he tried and it was her decision thus absolving him from any guilt. While you're waiting for this mess to be resolved your life is passing you by. I You need to accept the fact that he has chosen to remain with his family (rightly or wrongly) and be the strong one to establish no contact. You can, you will, you must move on.

All of this - spot on.

He's playing the poor lost soul and your enabling it.

He's a grown up. If his priority is his son but he doesn't want to be with his sons mum then it's up to him to build a strong coparenting relationship with her. If she is resistant to that to such an extent he's concerned about parental alienation / abduction then he needs to be looking into mediation and potential court proceedings to ensure shared parental responsibility and 50:50 custody. Do you think he's actually looked into all of that like someone would if they were actually desperate not to lose contact time with their child? I doubt it. Sounds more like he's spending time moaning about how hard stuff is to you.

He's taking you for a mug.

At best he's weak willed and indecisive. At worst he's taking advantage of your feelings for him and keeping you on the backburner.

Either way... ick.

Custardo · 28/05/2021 21:03

as others have said. block contact

Original poster

Earlgrey19 · 28/05/2021 21:05

Yes. Some weeks ago I tried pointing out that it was his choice — not wanting me etc. He replied he wants to marry me and have babies with me. Yes, I know: that’s not what he’s doing.

I have a degree of vulnerability also and grew up in an abusive home with an
substance addicted Dad I loved but who was unavailable and TBH the push and pull with this man I fell in love with has messed with my mind. Seems so hard to believe there could be someone out there who is wonderful and also available. My ex (kids Dad) was very available and seemed solid but turned out to be emotionally abusive.

OP posts:

Original poster

Earlgrey19 · 28/05/2021 21:11

Thanks @CustardyCreams x

OP posts:

pictish · 28/05/2021 21:12

“Yes. Some weeks ago I tried pointing out that it was his choice — not wanting me etc. He replied he wants to marry me and have babies with me. Yes, I know: that’s not what he’s doing.”

You presented him with a fact...he responded with a fantasy. What use is that?

Fireflygal · 28/05/2021 21:19

I have a degree of vulnerability also and grew up in an abusive home with an
substance addicted Dad I loved but who was unavailable

You are showing some insight. If you have grown up without love, its similar to going shopping when starving. Don't be fooled by this man. Its highly likely he is sleeping with his wife, having family days but when bored keeps in contact with you.

cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 07:30

He's just keeping you hanging on in case his wife ends up kicking him out. The only way this will have a good outcome is if you cut all ties and move on. Seems hard just now but you'll
Look back with relief that you did in a few months.

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