Breakup with my first boyfriend and questioning my sexuality

[anonn89]

Hi everyone, I wanted to put my experience on here to try and get some clarity and advice as I am going insane with myself right now.
I am on my year abroad and myself and my first boyfriend (who i was with for 2 years) have just broken up. He is also in the same city as me on his year abroad which isn't helpful in terms of moving on. I've always felt that something was a bit off in the relationship but most of the time I ignored it because I thought he was so wonderful. Since getting on the year abroad, I felt like he was giving more time to other people and ignoring me, and I had a chat to him about it and we decided to go on a break to improve our relationship; we agreed not to get with / sleep with other people, but if our thoughts changed we would tell the other person beforehand so no one gets hurt. I was torn up about the break, but then he ended up sleeping with someone 3 days after we went on the break, so I broke up with him fully for not respecting the boundaries. I feel a bit of a sense of relief because I feel like I knew that the relationship wasn't right for a long time. I'm still really torn up about ending it but I know I can't go back to him as i wouldn't be able to trust him, but I love him so much.
I've only slept with 2 people in my life, both men (the first guy didn't actually like me back, I was just his friend and had a huge infactuation to him he ended up getting back with his ex 3 days after, 3 must be my unlucky number I guess), but I've been questioning my sexuality. I've always been more comfortable looking at women sexually (in porn and things) because the thought of being with a boy kinda scared me and I built it up in my head so much, but I never questioned my sexuality. I am also deathly afraid of getting pregnant.
I was questioning it when I was in my relationship as I was watching The Haunting of Bly Manor and realised i had a slight crush on Jamie, the female gardener. When we went on a break, my ex said that 'if you want you can use this time to explore your sexuality as I know that is something new to you', but i don't know if that was a genuine comment or kinda a free pass for him get with other people. Either way its been playing on my mind and I have no idea what to do. I have always had crushes on boys, I have never had crushes on girls in real life, and the only women i can remember feeling really strongly about is tv show characters (such as ruby rose in orange is the new black).
I have very high anxiety about this and I'm worried that I'm convincing myself that I may be gay just because I wasn't in the right relationship and I don't feel like right now I could be in another relationship with a boy but I feel that it was because it was my very first ever relationship. I can't help beating myself up and worrying about it as I am 21 and i feel like most people know their sexuality by now. Help???

My experience and I'm older is that I'm probably more attracted to women then men and that includes porn but I prefer sex with a man (I've had sex with 1 woman) I'm married now with children but I know I'm not gay as I've tested the waters and it wasn't for me. There's nothing wrong with thinking another female is beautiful and your probably getting off on the woman in porn as that's what you may get off on yourself and thinking about that arouses you - hopefully that's not too cringe 😉 Anyway your young I didn't want kids at your age explore have fun maybe you are gay don't get yourself in a twist would it be the end of the world if you were?

Firstly,breathe.

Secondly,many people come to realise their sexual orientation long after their teens and some have had heterosexual marriages and have children. There's no right way,only the right way for you.

My suggestion is whilst you're away why not try going to a gay bar for the a while and see how it feels to be in a homosexual environment. . Unfortunatly lesbian bars are a rare commodity these days but if you can find one,even better. If anyone asks, it's OK to say your working out your feelings,we've all been there.

Just remember it's your life and there's no rules which say you have to go at anyone else's pace or do anything which doesn't feel right for you.

@mrsbitaly It wouldn't but it also doesn't seem right? considering my history of liking boys and no real experience with crushing on or wanting to be with girls. I also come from quite a religious household so I feel like I'm convincing myself that I have to be either one or the other. I don't know why I feel like I have to work it out right now because I feel like I'm really emotionally vulnerable but I want an answer as to why the relationship didn't feel right / why this is on my mind a lot

@MuthaFunka61 We actually go to a gay bar all the time here, and that was where he picked up the girl so I don't think I can go back there for a while! I also don't know if I can get with anyone right now because it feels too soon, but I don't want to feel like I'm forcing myself to be gay, bi or whatever it seems really strange to me because I've only ever envisioned myself with a man. I also am not big on the casual sex thing, it kinda makes me uncomfortable personally so i don't know how to go about experementing.

Hi @anonn89.

If you're used to going to gay bars,then yes this isn't a step you need to take.

Reading your reply to a PP it sounds like either you've several questions or you're wanting to put your question about your sexuality to one side for a moment. Either way no-one can tell you in an internet forum why a relationship hasn't worked out or how to determine your sexuality.
People can make suggestions based on their own experience but that's pretty much it,it's based on their experiences. I'd suggest you make an appointment with Relate where you'll find someone to help you work out what went wrong in your relationship and why and also your sexuality if you'd like too.
Do you think this is something that'd work for you?

@MuthaFunka61 Yes I think it might be. I've been going to therapy for a while and my therapist says just to see how I feel about people in general, without paying attention to gender. Honestly, the thought of being / sleeping with / dating other people is terrifying to me right now, but I feel like that was because I was so comfortable with my boyfriend. I think I want to find a reason why to didn't work out and I'm trying to search for all the answers now

It's good to hear you've support anonn89.
It does sound like your pushing yourself to find the answers right now,but remember,don't be in a rush to get things wrong 🙂

G'luck,it sounds like you've found yourself a reliable and trustworthy therapist. Maybe think about focusing on your therapeutic relationship for a while. I think it could be worth it

Just breathe, you don’t need to be anything, you’re just you. I’m a real believer that sexuality can be very fluid. Sometimes I’ve been more attracted to men, sometimes women, sometimes just one person in particular. Experimenting to understand who you are won’t change that.

What I would work on is you fears around sex, perhaps it’s your background? Could you access some counselling to help you process that?

Your relationship with your Ex didn’t work out because you weren’t on the same page. It sounds like you knew that for some time but hung on in there because you liked him and wanted it to work. However, when it ended you stuck to your principles and saved yourself more heartache.

There’s nothing in your post that suggests you’re gay, it sounds like in your desperation for answers that your willing to explore a lot of avenues. There’s nothing wrong with being curious but your anxiety appears to be driving your curiosity rather than a genuine attraction to the opposite sex.

Don’t get hung up on labels, you like who you like

Stop! There's no need to decide whether you're straight or gay, just be happy with yourself and see what turns up.

You don't need to label yourself just yet. You're only 21 - go out and have some fun and explore a bit. I was 34 when I realised that I am actually bisexual. I'd been in a long term relationship and married for years. I prefer men, but have been with a woman.

Don't get hung up on labelling yourself. It's nobody else's business anyway.

Some people find this helpful: www.autostraddle.com/am-i-a-lesbian-lesbian-masterdoc/

Thank you, guys! I've been thinking about it and I'm still quite unsure. Whenever I had sex with my ex I was always in my own head, it felt very odd to me and I never felt truly comfortable with it. I'm not sure if that was because I had a shitty first time and I have a very nervous / scared attitude towards sex. I think I'm getting too bogged down with trying to figure everything out at once, and I'm saying 'oh I'm a lesbian' and everything is making sense / feels weirdly right because I have just got out of a (mostly) emotionally comfortable relationship. I often imagined myself with other guys while in the relationship (romantically, not sexually). I know that's bad and not fair on him, but maybe he just wasn't the right guy. But is this all compulsory homosexuality and I'm actually gay? I'm so confused!