Sorting out finances - advice please

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Quick background: two primary aged DCs. Trying to get my head around finances etc prior to inevitable separation. H the higher earner, not by loads. Would expect kids to stay primarily with me but see/stay with him couple of nights per week.

For kids’ stability I would like to try and stay in this house. I can just about afford the mortgage as is by myself. We have a good chunk of equity though and I can’t afford to stay if he gets half, I.e if I need to pay him off.

The amount of equity is broadly equivalent to the child maintenance he’ll pay till kids are 18. Is it ridiculous or even legal to agree that I keep the house and equity but he doesn’t ever pay maintenance? I can survive financially without it and would rather keep the house.

Would welcome advice.

Hopeful bump.

You can ask him to consent to this in a formal divorce settlement but is he likely to agree? Some people would want to help with expenses ongoing and it will make it harder for him to start over and get somewhere for him with room for kids to stay

I don’t know if he will agree but he might. He’s almost 20 years older than me and has a very big pension which he can access on the next couple of years if he wants. I suspect if I agreed not to make a claim on that he might go with it.

I don’t want to shaft him but I do want to ensure stability for my DCs, and not moving at the same time as parents separating is part of that. (My parents divorced when I was a similar age and we had to move and it just added to the trauma - hence I’m a bit hung up on this.)

My parents did this so possible but obviously agreed through solicitors.

Even if this was what you agreed, you’d still be able to put in a claim through the CMS and he’d be liable to pay it so if he gets advice he’s unlikely to go for it.

I’d happily sign something through lawyers about not making a future CMS claim...would that not give him the assurance/ be legally binding?

There’s still nothing legally to stop you claiming through CMS at a later date other than your word so whilst I understand your logic I don’t see how this benefits both parties (I say that as someone who would also find this an ideal solution!)
His pension would be taken into account in a split so you may get more equity anyway

I imagine he’d be wary of agreeing to this. Does he not need some of the equity to buy himself a new house? If he takes his pension at 55 it will be a reduced amount, so he’d probably want to wait to take it.

Are you expecting him to be able to buy or just rent?

Agree you'd have better prospects trying to argue that you get more of the equity and he gets more of the pension wealth.

Ok. He’s 57 and can access it now actually, though it’s set at 60.

How does it work with pensions then? The overall pot is huge...most of it accrued before we met.

I’m basically not worried the precise arrangements...I just want to find a way to keep the house!

Having seen couples separating, where he then decided to stop working to go to uni, and another one who stopped working to become a SAHD to his new child with his new partner, both of them happily leaving exes and children without any maintenance, I would try and get as much of a settlement upfront as possible.

How does it work
You do an audit of all the wealth -- being accrued before a relationship is sometimes taken into account, sometimes not.
The needs of the children are taken to be paramount.
Sometimes houses are agreed to be sold/split later rather than immediately.
Lots of options -- depends partly on how amicable you can be.
For example, is the size of the pension lump-sum likely to be similar to the housing equity?

He needs somewhere to live too. Presumably with room for the kids. Unfortunately divorcing often means moving, unless he’ll let you stay in the house till the kids are 18 then get the equity.

My DH gave his ex all the equity in the house with a legal agreement she’d have no claim on his pension. It wasn’t enough for her to stay in the family home but he had some savings and money from his parents so it meant they could both afford new houses with room for the kids to be in.

I think you need legal advice, OP, otherwise you could find yourself much, much worse off in the long run.

If you kept the house, would your husband be able to afford to buy somewhere himself?

Be careful about how many nights you agree they should stay with him - have a look at the CM calculator and enter different figures to get an idea of how the CM would differ according to the number of nights.

If he retired, would he want 50:50 care?

Be careful though that his big pension isn't actually worth a lot more than the house equity.

Don't do yourself and your children out of resources for the sake of stability. You would be wise to get a pension valuation, see if the numbers stack up and then maybe offer to keep the house in lieu of pension. I wouldn't forgo maintenance though.

The lump sum he can take at 60 is more than the equity...probably about 25-30% more.

He would want to buy somewhere eventually I guess, so would need deposit money.

It all feels very complicated. Yes to legal advice...just not ready to make it that formal and for now am trying to work through scenarios.

The overall pension pot is worth around 40-50% more than the house,

Oh and the pot is probably four times the actual equity.

If he has a lump sum that is worth more than the equity then the value of the pension as a whole is going to massively dwarf the value of your other family assets. This is where you need to be focusing your attention. Pensions are part of your assets as a family.

I strongly recommend you seek legal advice before agreeing anything. The starting point is 50/50. This includes equity, savings and pensions. This could change in your favour as the dc will be mainly with you.

If you are saying he's got a large pension, this could equate to more than the equity in the house, in which case he could keep his pension and you the house. You'd still then claim cms which will help with the mortgage/bills etc.

Don't agree to anything before seeking legal advice

Do you earn enough for the mortgage to redone in your name and with your earnings only?
If not he'd be mad to agree to staying on the mortgage even if you're paying it as it will be near impossible for him to get another one for himself

Yes I can probably get the current mortgage in my name alone...but not if I have to extend it to give him equity.

Really helpful advice though - thank you. Also slightly terrifying to make it all feel a bit more real.