Unreasonable tiredness?

[Waitingonadream]

My husband and I are in a pretty loveless marriage. He is not affectionate at all, is pretty emotionally neglectful and sees everything wrong in the world as my fault. All that aside however, one of his recurring and most frustrating criticisms is that I shouldn't be as tired as I am. By around 8 pm I am yawning and ready to get off my feet. I have 3 young ish kids (one of whom is a quite hard work) and am responsible for all the childcare (save an hour or so a week) and the vast majority of the housework. I can't work currently as I have no help and 3 lots of wraparound care and afternoon private nursery would be more than my wages. Husband goes to football and the pub at least 2 nights a week, often 3. I tend to settle the kids down and talk/read with them until the eldest goes to bed around 8.45pm. However on his nights in the house he says I should be sitting with him and not as tired as I am. He says I don't do a massive amount and there must be something medically wrong with me. I have few friends and don't speak to my parents to I would just like some advice really. Are other moms of 3 tired in the evenings? Is there something wrong with me? Thank you everyone xx

yanbu op, he is the unreasonable one.

He's an arsehole.
The mind boggles that he thinks you are lazy/not doing much.
Do you actually like him?
It doesn't sound like you two even know each other.
Of course you are putting the kids to bed and parenting them in the evening, he certainly isn't and someone had to do it!
He is a misogynistic.

YANBU - I don't know any Mum of three who isn't tired in the evening. He's an idiot.

My exhusband was like this. Hence why he’s an exhusband. Still tired but without some twat moaning in my face about it.

Well by the sounds of it he’s never done prolonged childcare and most of the housework so how the hell does he know how tired you ‘should’ be? Also sounds like your children aren’t yet all school aged so not like you have time to rest or do chores in the day while they are at school. Has he ever done any days just him and the kids? Plus kept on top of the housework?

A loveless marriage with no affection & his 1950s attitudes would put me well off sitting on the couch with him the evenings he decides to stay home. And without my own free time away from kids & home (and him) to pursue my own interests & friendships I would feel quite unenthusiastic & disinterested in endlessly more of the same day in day out with no break from it. Kids are hard work so you've every right to be tired, that's totally normal...but it sounds like there is not much else going on for you to enjoy & spark up some interest. I hope it gets better but I don't like the sound of him...it would be different if he was encouraging you to go do something fun for yourself or wanting to do something nice together but you were yawning, dismissive & uninterested. But it sounds like he just wants you present. Tell him he is boring, makes you yawn & bed alone is more entertaining...maybe he might try harder to bring some spice back...if you want him to

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your own father treat your mother like this too?.

What is the point of you two being together now?. Staying for the children rarely works out at all well and the children will not say thanks to you for doing that. A loveless marriage is certainly no life for you or for that matter him. What sort of relationship are you modelling for your kids; would you want this sort of marriage for your kids?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

I only have 1 4 year old, and I'm flipping exhausted! She is still very unsettled over night and frequently wakes for a couple of hours. That combined with eary waking has resulted in me needing to go to bed at 7 with her a couple of times a week.
I would say that if you are concerned a visit to the gp wouldn't hurt. I did and it turns out I need thyroid medication.
He is being a twat.

Thanks so much everyone. I don't feel as bad now. I'd love to leave him but I literally have nothing. No savings, no credit card, no family I could rely on. I do feel very trapped. Every time I try and talk to him he is very obstructive and we never resolve anything. I'm pretty sure he'd say the same thing about me. I really annoyed with myself for putting so much trust in him and his intentions. Looking back he's never had my best interests at heart and it's all been about him and furthering his career and making himself look good. Now I have nothing except my kids and He's said in the past that he'd go for full custody if we split so then I'd be rock bottom. I've put a few pound on lately even though I'm exercising and watching every calorie and he seems even more annoyed with me but I can't help it. I hate myself and I hate the situation I'm in. It try so hard to keep it normal for the kids but it just isn't. I've been waiting to win the lottery but I need to be realistic and realise it's not gonna happen! Thanks so much for your replies. Xxx

I'd be yawning if I was with someone like that, and my children have left home.
Feeling exhausted at 8pm is a bit early, though - could be a sign of depression, iron deficiency, thyroid as pp said. I had this with an iron deficiency - my eyes were dropping shut of their own accord - and thought it was normal tiredness so didn't get it checked out. Make sure to look after yourself: for you, not for him.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law. You only need to give yourself permission to leave and I would also be contacting both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women here (they can give you some legal advice).

If you have no savings and no credit card it could be that you're being financially abused by him as well. How do you buy groceries and stuff for the kids; do you have to ask him for money?. And does he make you account for every penny spent?.

I doubt very much that he would be interested at all in going for full custody; that's being said by him as a threat to keep you under control and in line. Also he's hardly involved with them as it is and seems to be out more often than he is home. You've been there for he to use to facilitate his career and image as a family man.

You can leave you know. There are countless examples here and elsewhere of women leaving with "nothing"and being much happier. I put nothing in "" because you own half of the assets in your marriage, including his pension, when finances are sorted after divorce. I know it's tough to leave if you don't have easily available assets of your own but at the very worst you would have to live with him while a house is sold. Please get into your mind that divorce is a reality for you, then present him with just how unhappy you are with the situation and the consequences of his behaviour. He is an entitled shit. Stand up to him.

Oh and the idea of him getting "full custody" of the kids is laughable given the status quo in care giving. Forget that threat.

Thanks everyone. I have had the usual array of tests done and they were all normal except white blood count. I would say my parents were emotionally neglectful really. Didn't deal with problems or talk to me much in general. I think I sleepwalked into the same scenario with my husband. I've been with him 20 years now so it would be a massive change. I just keep thinking I don't want to be old and poor and alone. We do have the occasional happy times but it always seems to be on his terms. Thanks so much for the replies. Xx

We do have joint account but I can't spend on much more than groceries without checking with him first.

You mentioned wrap around care, are all three at school? If not maybe once they are you could try to find something part time in school hours, not easily done but worth trying. Or is there a qualification you'd be interested in getting so once kids are a bit older you'd have some more options for work. You can start making plans slowly for a better future.