Triggered by pregnancy

[justfedup2]

I haven't had contact with my sister for about 4 years. The only reason I know things happening in her life is the odd occasion Mom mentions something. Like she had seen her or something. Parents are accepting of the situation, and just keep us apart. Its fine, things happened years ago and bad feeling was created between me and sis, basically she was completely unsympathic to a situation that happened and when I suffered mental health problems as a result, wasn't there for me. I have no desire to reconcile. I am the older sibling.

We are in our 30s, and growing up both would fantasise about getting married and having children. In our 20s, I had some toxic relationships and rejections, whilst she settled down with the first person who came along and got married when she was 25. She also bought her home whilst I struggled financially with job loss and being single and the like. So I will admit, i'm jealous.

I had only just started to get things together in life after the pandemic, but am scarred by my dating history. I would like to date again, but am very scared for my fragile mental health.

I found out that she is expecting... and its hit me like a ton or bricks. I guess I see myself as the 'failure' of the family and to make matters worse, she always said she didn't want children as much I did, that it wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't happen. It apparently has just happened.

My mental health has been on the decline since I found out and i'm suddenly comparing us again. Thinking how i'm the eldest, it should of been me. Why am I left on the shelf. All the rest of the family are all so happy for her and yet again I just feel like the loser. Who is single in their 30s, can't hold down a boyfriend and only just gets by, whilst she is living the perfect 'family life'.

How do I even feel better about this situation? Jealously is a horrible trait I know but I just can't help it.

I think if you try and switch your thinking around and try and think positive thoughts then your life will be exponentially happier. I know you are jealous of her. You admit that - but you need to try and see what a negative emotion that is .

Would you really wish your sisters life to be terrible , for her to be unhappy and suffering infertility for example ? Because I'm sure you don't. In which case you need to work on yourself . Your sister hasn't 'done' anything to you. She is a passive actor in your drama. It's your drama that you need to explore and find a way to flip it from negative to positive. Which will have an improved affect on the rest of your life .
One strategy suggested to me whilst in a long fog of depression was to 'fake it' .. spend one morning or one afternoon faking cheerful behaviour. (Even though you don't feel it) people respond to what they are faced with. Being positive gets its rewards back from others .. try two or three times a week. Next try a whole day... before long it's no longer fake.
You aren't going to miraculously become a happy go lucky person in five minutes.. but it is a technique that needs perseverance but changed my life.

How important is having a child within a relationship to you? If you want to have a child, you can certainly explore doing this on your own (via a fertility clinic, using a sperm donor).

I have had numerous failed relationships including a marriage, so I can relate to the feelings of 'failure'. When I was 38, I decided to stop dating and start focusing on how to achieve a family of my own. It's taken a year, during the pandemic, with one failed IUI (intrauterine insemination) and this year a successful IVF treatment, I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant. It's not how I'd imagined family life to be when I was in my 20s but I wasn't going to miss out on motherhood/own family due to a lack of suitable partner.

Dating can be great fun and potentially lead to a happy ending, but for so many it is impossible to know whether any of us will get our happy outcome, and when you're feeling fragile, each rejection can feel overwhelming.

I appreciate the difficulty in having to do things on your own, but taking as much agency as possible over certain things has really stopped me from feeling like a 'loser'.

Don’t be jealous of your sister

Try and focus on what you want in life. If it’s a child then consider going it alone.

I understand how you feel OP. For some reason we're allowed to express most negative emotions (sadness, anger, tiredness etc) but there is a stigma attached to admitting jealousy. It is a perfectly normal emotion that we all feel at some point in our lives. I think you should try and let yourself off the hook: most people would be feeling the way you are given the situation you're in & the way society shames women who haven't achieved the perfect husband & children scenario. It isn't helpful to tell you to just shift your mindset as obviously you would do that if you could & I often think that kind of advice is making someone who is already feeling bad feel shamed & consequently worse. When I've had situations like this, I found it helpful to briefly detach from the person making me feel that way, take some time to acknowledge & process how I'm feeling & then try & plan ways to feel better. Obviously I'm not suggesting you cut your sister out of your life but it might be helpful to put yourself first & take some space whilst you lick your wounds. Whatever you do just please try to be kind to yourself & know that there are many people in the same boat as you, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Sorry, I've just reread your post & realise you don't have a close relationship with your sister, so the last part of my post isn't relevant. I would also add that therapy can do the world of good in helping you identify any self limiting beliefs you might have and/or give you coping mechanisms to help you control your thoughts.

You identify that your mental health is on the decline, so you need to get yourself to the doctor/your therapist and get a bit of extra support to put a halt to that. Get an appointment sorted today.

Yes, it's bloody difficult when you see your sister has everything that you want. But you have your own path to follow. Try to focus on what you do have that's good, and on things that make you happy.

I think ironically the fact that you're not close may be making this worse (which isn't me saying you need to reconcile). I'm sure you just hear the positive headlines about her life from your family. Maybe if you were closer you'd be less jealous because you'd know how she hates her job/her marriage isn't great/her house is in a really inconvenient area etc. Etc. Remember that all you hear about is an idealised version of her... You're not really jealous of a person, you're jealous of a picture of a person's life in your head.

I know it’s not what you want to hear but I honestly think the only way of getting rid of that jealousy is by reconciling. Because when you care about someone you’re happy for their successes. But when you dislike someone their success makes you jealous and resentful.

However, if you choose not to forgive her (and obviously that’s your right) then you have to be prepared for that feeling to remain forever.

Thanks for the responses.

I've found it hard to get through work today. My jealousy has made me sick, actually. I feel physically sick and weak.

I have felt jealous of her success for a long time, but this has thown me and I can't stop thinking about how shes going to be a Mom.

I recently had good news to share with the family but now i'm not bothering because she has really out done anything I could do.

Have you got anyone to talk to about these difficult feelings? A good friend or someone neutral, like a counsellor?

I do sympathise as I’ve been through something not entirely dissimilar myself. What helped me was to realise that my life was entirely separate from my sister’s (you say you don’t have any contact with her?) and that her career, relationship or family developments were nothing to do with me. I am the only person who can change my own life if I choose to. There’s no necessary connection between my sister’s life circumstances or choices and mine.

It sounds as though you’re still very angry with your sister and possibly getting drawn into unhealthy competition (is it really true that your family won’t want to hear your good news because your sister is pregnant?). Let her go and focus on the things in your life you’re happy about, and change the things you want to change if you can.

I'm in a similar situation Op. my younger sibling has just put an offer in on a house. She has a very well paid job as does her partner. She's pretty, skinny and excels in whatever she chooses to do.
Meanwhile I bounced from job to job - never went to uni. Probably have undiagnosed ASD (being tested atm) and mental and physical health issue. I will never be able to have kids, will probably never own my own home and have only recently started to earn a liveable amount of money.
I dread the day I find out my sister is pregnant. Of course I will be happy for them. But it will hurt like hell.

This is very recognisable. I am the oldest (by quite a few years), but my brother does everything first. He got married (I am not), got a permanent job (earning two times my salary), bought a house (I haven't), and now has his first baby on the way (literally weeks after I lost a pregnancy).

Please try to remember that your sister is just living her life, and not consciously trying to upstage you. She is doing things at a pace that feels natural to her. Give yourself space and time to be upset about it, but try not to become bitter, as it will only be self-defeating. On that note, share your good news! Your family will be happy for you as well.

Difficult to know where the problem lies here. Without knowing what trauma you went through, it's hard to tell if your sister ought to have been more supportive, she maybe had her own reasons for not supporting, not least being younger at the time, which is when it's quite natural to be absorbed in your own world.

Success depends on how you measure it, you seem to hold settling down and having children in high regard, this doesn't actually necessarily seem a big deal to a lot of other people, who may value career or work/fun balance more, or travel dreams, relationships with others and friendships as important.
Toxic relationships can happen when people stay longer in relationships than they should and tolerate what they shouldn't. Everyone comes across abusive twats, those who don't end up with one aren't just lucky necessarily, they met them too but binned them off quickly because self worth comes from within. So, if you are comparing, you are looking outside too much for something or someone other than yourself to give you validation.
It's good to adapt dreams as you go along in life, not helpful to hanker after a rigid plan. For instance, would DC have been a good idea with MH issues? Sort your MH first, that's a goal, if you achieve balance, it's success. That may lead on to being in a place where you can sort the wheat from the chaff effectively where men are concerned, then perhaps the rest, but, there's a lot to be said for being able to steer your own ship.

Geez, that jumped about randomly. I can be a bit disorganised at times, but, it was spread ove getting a Chinese & beer lol, simple enjoyable stuff in life 😁

I'm wondering if it might be that i'm embarrassed? Embarrassed that I didn't also find someone, that I didn't also get married and am able to have kids.

When we were growing up I always said I wanted nothing more than to get married and have children.

So I feel like i've failed and im embarrassed and due to the bad feelings between us I don't want to be judged or laughed at, her be smug at, the fact my dream never happened.

Why did you fall out?

What was the falling out about?

I mean this kindly but your sister's life events have absolutely no bearing on what happens in your life.

People will be happy for her, no one will hear she is pregnant and immediately think "ah but OP isn't and it was always her dream".

You have no contact with your sister and haven't for a long time. It is likely that, rather than feel smug, she probably hasn't thought of you at all in relation to having a baby.

You need to focus on you and your life. Lots of folk have dreams growing up that they don't achieve. Don't dwell on those, instead think about what your dreams are now. You are young with so much more live left - go out and live it.