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Original poster

So fed up, is this really it now?

30 replies

TheSameOldStory · 27/05/2021 20:10

I have name changed, I feel so embarassed this is where my relationship is. I'm sorry if this comes across as my needs but I have no one to talk to and when I have spoken to DH he says I am only interested in me. I'm not, I love him so much. I am fed up though. We have been married over 10 years and have children together. Like everyone, we have had our ups and downs, sometimes he is a dick, sometimes I am a dick (just like everyone else!), but generally we have been pretty happy. About 2 years ago, DH started experiencing ED. Not all the time, it started off occasionally, gradually increasing in frequency. He did, to his credit, go to the GP. No known physical reason. He gets a prescription for Viagra/ the other one (cant remember what its called!), although he doesnt take them always. It still happened sometimes even with the medication. Sometimes wasnt so bad. The past couple of months though, it is almost every time. There is either a long protracted struggle (sometimes leading to him lay there masturbating next to me, where I am just meant to stay still and patient. This can go on for an hour) or sometimes we just give up. Sometimes he has told me I am not doing it right, criticising things i have always done and he used to enjoy. I am no longer confident and follow whatever script he has decided will "work". Sometimes I literally get given a synopsis of order of acts that will happen. Not dirty talk btw. I mean I am told as if he is giving me a shopping list. If there is any kind of deviation from this, the wholse thing stops. And I get a bollocking. The truth is the passion has gone for him. When you know, you know. There just isnt that drive for him towards me anymore.

We have spoken at length about it so many times. He insists it isnt about his attraction to me, but then there have been other revelations, like porn which he has now told me he has used every single day as long as we have been married and longer. I was completely clueless about this. He looks at certain videos on social media You know the kind I mean. And searches for some pretty niche interests. Sometimes he has done this before we have tried to have sex, building up the mental images to use during no doubt. I am crushed he does this. His explanation for this is he likes sex, he likes to look. In the next breath he tells me he is losing the urge to have sex. Between the lines, I hate to admit it-but I know it is he simply isnt attracted to me any more. I cant remember the last time I can honestly say that spark was there. He is quite happy with how things are and doesnt see a problem with looking at porn or videos on social media. He doesnt see an issue.

I know its not all about sex. The rest of our relationship was good, truly felt like he was my best friend. But gradually, this is driving more and more of a wedge between us. This has been more the case since he has told me about his porn habits and I happened across his video history on facebook. I resent him for doing this when he doesnt want to put the effort in with me. I shouldnt resent him, should I, but it feels like a betrayal when we are having all these issues in our sex life I know it shouldnt be so important to me, but I love having sex. I miss it. I miss being kissed properly, miss being touched in the moment and just going with what feels good. I am only 36 and feel like this is it now. I just have to accept we will never return to having a normal sex life that isn't awkward, has to be planned or just makes me feel horrible.

Am I just being completely unreasonable and selfish because I want a decent sex life? I wonder whether I should just "put up and shut up" because in other ways DH is brilliant. I cant help feeling a bit sad that this is where we are. There is no point in talking to him again. We have said everything that can be said, in every way it can be said.

Has anyone been through this and got the passion back? Has anyone lived through this and learned to live with it? Has anyone got any advice please? It sounds silly but without the intimacy, it feels very lonely in our marriage right now.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/05/2021 20:18

Am I just being completely unreasonable and selfish because I want a decent sex life? I wonder whether I should just "put up and shut up" because in other ways DH is brilliant

You say he's brilliant in other ways, but he speaks to you like shit at your most vulnerable moments.

Sometimes I literally get given a synopsis of order of acts that will happen. Not dirty talk btw. I mean I am told as if he is giving me a shopping list. If there is any kind of deviation from this, the wholse thing stops. And I get a bollocking.

That is cruel of him. Properly fucking nasty. Treating you like you're a menu for sex acts he wants and 'bollocking' you for deviating from his instructions.

Decent, brilliant men don't behave that way.

anxietyanonymous · 27/05/2021 20:20

I think if sex was the only problem but all other intimacy was in place. Thinking of your sexual needs also Hugging, kissing, thoughtfulness, hand holding, gentle touch as pass by and kindness and listening to your cares and worries-maybe i could live without. Maybe. But when ALL intimacy is gone it is incredibly lonely as you say.

I would hate to be given a script or someone to be angry with me about it though. It could be frustration and embarrassment spilling out but its a strange way of dealing with
It.

Alcesalces · 27/05/2021 20:21

You can't fix this. He's not willing to stop watching the porn and he's chosen that over a proper sex life.

It's not your fault but you're not unreasonable at 36 to want a decent sex life. You're not unreasonable to want to feel desired and he's just not able. I would get your ducks in a row and look at separation. You're still young at 36 and shouldn't be settling for this.

RoseisMadder · 27/05/2021 20:27

It really does sound like your relationship is dead, you’re 36. If you stay that’s a lot of sexless years ahead of you, your resentment won’t go.
The sex you are having, it sounds so regimented and honestly, like he’s re-enacting the porn his watching. Which is repulsive and a huge turn off
OP, you’re young, young enough to start again. Don’t be in this sad situation in 10 years when you’re 46

BrilliantBetty · 27/05/2021 20:28

How would it go down with him do you think if you suggested an open sexual relationship? Would you want to explore that?

You have sexual needs too, his sex needs aren't the only ones that are important. You seem to have been very understanding of the ED, trying his way. But the porn thing confuses things... he can get it up to watch porn everyday?

I say take a lover or leave him.

chickenyhead · 27/05/2021 20:28

So he is putting energy in to finding porn, but not in to saving your marriage.

In fact he thinks so little of you that he feels that it is ok to degrade you by directing you to pose and do desired things.

You deserve better than that.

GertietheGherkin · 27/05/2021 20:28

It sounds awful OP, him wanking away telling you all that'll be happening, and you thinking " If only" must be soul destroying. He doesn't sound a particularly nice man. Do you think it may be more you've gotten so used to being treated this way, that you think that's as it should be?
It's tough missing out on life, you're only 36. This cannot be the situation for the rest of your life. You'll start to really resent him.

Nuggetnugget · 27/05/2021 20:33

Sorry to hear this. It does sound horrible and lonely. I would rather be on my own with no sex than live like this. 10 years is a long time but I would get out while still young enough to meet someone and be happy. An hour waiting in the dark sounds really horrible.

Blueskytoday06 · 27/05/2021 20:34

How pathetic he's chosen entertainment over a real connection. He's become desensitised to real stuff and gradually over time conditioned himself to only be able to climax to porn.
I don't really have any suggestions on how to tackle ....just think about what you want and whether it can be achieved with your 'D'H

Original poster
TheSameOldStory · 27/05/2021 20:36

Thank you the kind replies, I thought I would be told I was being selfish.

The instructions bit, it isn't whilst he is wanking, its usually during the day said in kind of a matter of fact way as this is what is happening. It didn't used to be like this. I'm not even sure when it changed. I feel disloyal to him even talking about it on here, I know he must be bothered by ED. Or maybe he isnt I dont know.

Open relationship wouldnt be for me, I know for some people it works but not my thing. To be honest my confidence is so low right now even if we split I cant see myself ever being brave enough to try to have sex with someone else. I dont think I would even know what to do. How stupid does that sound. Honestly, I dont want to split. I want the old him back.

What a mess.

OP posts:
cocoloco987 · 27/05/2021 20:42

I knew before I even got to that part that he watched porn. This is so common and it's not a reflection on you. His porn addiction has escalated

chickenyhead · 27/05/2021 20:44

He isnt offering you the old him. He is happy for your needs to be ignored entirely.

You deserve to feel valued, even if it's just by yourself. This is draining yourself confidence.

Thehawki · 27/05/2021 20:49

Does he ever talk about what you need sexually ( or otherwise?) what strikes me here is that he hasn’t in any instance said he’s concerned about you in any way at all.

BigHeadBertha · 27/05/2021 20:51

I’d definitely try marriage counseling before breaking up when there are kids involved. Sounds like his sexual energy is too wrapped up in porn and this is where it’s led over time.

Notagain20 · 27/05/2021 20:57

Oh OP this is so sad to read, you poor thing. Sounds like classic porn addiction and o you're not being even slightly selfish in wanting better than this. He sounds really unpleasant, you're young and deserve the chance to find someone who will put you first and make you feel desirable again. Get yourself ready to leave him, you can't live like this.

Original poster
TheSameOldStory · 27/05/2021 20:59

He has always been very willing to give oral sex, which I do enjoy but I am now struggling to orgasm when that does happen as a PP pointed out our sex life is very regimented, I cant seem to relax the same and I feel very vulnerable and exposed when he does this. It took years for me to properly relax during oral sex anyway and enjoy it. He genuinely hasnt been selfish sexually previously. I do wonder if it is a mix of frustration and embarassment and he is taking it out on me. He did stop watching porn for a short time after he told me he watched it every day. I was pretty upset and he promised he wouldnt. I believe that he didnt for a while. He then told me this was making his ED worse and also led him to looking at videos on social media more, which whilst werent full on pornography, are sexual in nature.

I would try counselling, but the likelihood of him being willing to discuss this with someone is slim. He struggles to discuss it with me.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 27/05/2021 20:59

I got a quarter of the way through this, and thought ' he's using porn, and a real person isn't cutting it anymore'.

What a sad, often told tale...:
Man thinks porn should imitate life, if it doesn't, wife is clearly to blame. But of course he shouldn't stop, because heaven forbid if his penis gets sad.

Honestly.
Ew.

RoseisMadder · 27/05/2021 20:59

OP hasn’t mentioned DC, do you have DC?
Is he your first LTR?
I don’t think anyone would expect you to jump straight into another relationship. After 10 years you’d need time on your own
Do you feel counselling would help? Would he be up for it? It takes 2 to fix a relationship, he has to want to

Notagain20 · 27/05/2021 21:04

I'm not surprised you're struggling to orgasm, sex with him sounds horrible and stressful. I don't think counselling would help particularly, it would need to be sex therapy, and he would have to be willing to discuss his porn use and be willing to change it.

Original poster
TheSameOldStory · 27/05/2021 21:08

We do have children, yes. The youngest is 11 though and we managed to keep the spark after each one. Well I thought we did. If I say I want to go to sex therapy, he may possibly birth an entire litter of kittens. He is quite shy discussing sex and always has been I suppose. Which wasnt so much of a problem until there was something that needed discussing. He is my only proper relationship. I have slept with other people before we met, and had one boyfriend for about 18 months when I was 16. But I met DH when I was 19. So he is really my only LTR.

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 27/05/2021 21:09

You are not being selfish, it’s his porn addiction that’s causing the problem. He probably needs professional help to get him off it but would he be prepared to that?

Notagain20 · 27/05/2021 21:15

I'm really not sure where you can go with the relationship if he won't seek help with his porn use and the resulting sexual problems. OP you have done nothing wrong here and have nothing to feel bad about, don't let him subcontract his responsibility or emotions to you

If this is a deal breaker for you, that's completely valid.

Original poster
TheSameOldStory · 27/05/2021 21:23

I dont think he would be willing to seek help with his porn usage. He says every man does (I know this isnt true), its a "him" thing and nothing to do with me and I am over reacting. I have told him how devalued I feel by his watching it and how I can never measure up to the women he looks at. He doesnt see it the same way. He sees it as harmless titilation. But it isnt harmless, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSameOldStory · 27/05/2021 21:25

Thank you again for all the messages. I wont be replying for a little while because I am going to have one last try to speak to him. How this goes will tell me what comes next. Thank you for being so kind and making me feel like it is OK for me not to be happy with this. It has given me a bit of a boost to try one last time to talk to him

OP posts:
cocoloco987 · 27/05/2021 21:47

It's not harmless at all. I mean lots of men do watch it occasionally but this has basically shaped his idea of and desires for sex now. It's gone past any casual use and left him a very selfish partner who cannot get pleasure via regular sex alone. Again no reflection on you OP. You are 100% right to want better