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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am very lost

21 replies

Bookishnerd · 27/05/2021 19:37

I'm a bit scared of posting this because it makes it feel real.

I'm having a rough time in my marriage. My DH is a gorgeous, funny, loving man and I adore him. We've been together since we were teenagers, so the guts of 20 years. We've been (mostly) happily married for 8 years.

The problem is that we've been growing steadily apart since our little boy was born at the start of the first lockdown. I know that most marriages change a little after a baby, and I'm obviously committed to putting everything I have into keeping it going.

But I'm sharing because I feel so lonely and so alone.

Briefly, DH is emotionally unavailable. He struggles to talk about how he's feeling, isn't v interested in how I'm feeling. For my part, I can overreact to this and snap/get naggy, which drives him further away.

He works shifts so I'm often on my own. Our baby was born in lockdown and we have no family nearby, so we're doing it all on our own. We both work (though I WFH) so we're basically completely and utterly exhausted.

I'm trying hard to cut us both some slack because we're so tired. Our baby doesn't sleep well, and we had a very difficult first few months with him. I had post-partum anxiety, exacerbated by Covid and feeding challenges.

I don't feel connected any more and I'm so lonely.

I try to talk to him about it and he tells me everything will be fine. He's quite dismissive.

Please tell me it'll get better.
He's such a nice man and I think he's tired and lonely too. How do we get our marriage back?

OP posts:

ShinyBlackBoots · 27/05/2021 19:50

It's going to be difficult if he won't engage with you about it. Talking is really the only option.

Original poster

Bookishnerd · 27/05/2021 20:31

I was crying my eyes out when I was writing this. I came downstairs and it was clear I'd been crying. He didn't ask me what was wrong.

Obviously it's on me to tell him, but I just couldn't this time. I couldn't sit down and talk about it again and have him say 'it'll all be ok' when it won't.

OP posts:

ShinyBlackBoots · 27/05/2021 20:53

It'll be OK isn't really a response though, is it?

Why?

Why will it be OK?
How will it be OK?

That's what I'd be asking him. Throw it back to him. Just to get him to think. He's saying it'll he OK because he's kicking the can down the road. He doesn't want the hard conversations so he's just delaying them.

magenta4634737 · 27/05/2021 21:02

You describe him as a loving man?

Has he always been this way to then suddenly change?

You are not going to be able to move forward unless he is able to talk about it.

I live in a similar situation and have been doing so for over a year now. It is soul destroying. I have young dcs and feel for many reasons which I don't want to go into, 'stuck'. It is lonely.

There is a bit more to it for me including husband's little foray into porn. We live like housemates, reasonably amicably and co-parent and have trips out/share housework etc.

But I see couples walking about hand in hand and I just don't have that. I am more or less planning solo hobbies and creating my own social circles going forward (I think my husband believes all our difficulties lie with me and he is probably waiting for me to see sense and realise how foolish I've been).

No real advice to give but I hope things improve for you soon.

Notagain20 · 27/05/2021 21:11

I think maybe next time you feel up to it, tell him how you feel and if he dismissesiit you will have to persevere and tell him what you want to happen. So have a good think about what he needs to be doing differently for you to think things are getting better, and maybe what you will be doing differently when things are getting better, and spell it out for him. If he won't listen or engage with you then tell him that's a deal breaker. Let him know that you won't wait around for things to get better by magic.

Original poster

Bookishnerd · 27/05/2021 21:47

I get a bit overcome sometimes when I think about what we had. I mourn for the marriage we had

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2021 21:53

OP - the descriptions don’t match.

You say he’s kind and loving but he’s cold and dismissive of you when obviously upset.

Wages the truth? What is he REALLY like?

What are you mourning? How has the relationship changed? When? Just since the baby? Has he always been emotionally distant or is this a new thing?

You can’t make any decisions until you commit to seeing the reality and not the fantasy in your mind.

BigHeadBertha · 27/05/2021 21:58

I suggest marriage counseling ASAP. You might even be able to get it remotely.

Stress can shut people down. It's like they just don't have the emotional energy for anything but getting through the day. But if it's allowed to go on too long, it can definitely cause a break. Then all that sacrificing for the family would have been wasted anyway.

If he won't go, go alone. Sometimes counseling can work magic. :)

seensome · 27/05/2021 22:24

It will get easier, the baby will start sleeping better and you'll feel better rested and happy, when the baby is asleep do you make time to sit with each other? Try and be more positive, watch a comedy together, make plans, day out with the baby etc
Do you really think it's him? or rather being tired and lonely is making it seem worse than it is?

RandomMess · 27/05/2021 22:35

Marriage counselling should make a huge difference.

Hopefully you will be heard by him and he will also hear that he doesn't have to the answers he only needs to listen and "hold" you whilst you are vulnerable with him and he in return can be vulnerable back.

You are probably both grieving for the marriage you had, the people you were pre parenthood and Pre covid, and just how difficult this has all been.

Livelovebehappy · 27/05/2021 23:22

Op, it’s been an incredibly difficult 12 months with the virus. Throw into the mix a baby, and it will have been so much harder. I don’t think there’s many people who wouldn’t agree that when you first become a parent, it’s hard to adapt at first. You do lose yourself because you’re in charge of this extra person, and you tend to focus all your energy onto the baby. Honestly you should both cut yourselves some slack - things will get better, and you’ll adjust and things will settle. Communication is the key.

YellowTree1 · 27/05/2021 23:24

Counselling could be a good starting point

Guavafish · 27/05/2021 23:36

Do you have any friends or family you can speak too? It sounds like your both going through a hard time and there maybe postnataldepression involved?

You may need counselling and a visit to your GP?

Also remember marriage changes all the time... it’s will change again as things improve with time.

KILNAMATRA · 27/05/2021 23:38

Get some help, even if it’s someone taking the baby for walk-in the buggy for an hour or 90 mins. Every second day. Then turn on relaxation music and just tune out for an hour.. it’s all so intense being a new mom, minding baby, change of role.. maybe use that time to go for lunch or something together.. go to pub have a meal and a pint, be the people you were before baby..

KILNAMATRA · 27/05/2021 23:39

I used to find escaping our beautiful children for an hour helped and getting out of the house helped us chat and put the world to rights..

Nannyamc · 27/05/2021 23:51

These are very hard times. A baby in the mix is difficult. Can you talk to each other? If not you need counselling. Covid has placed huge strain on people. Maŕriage is never easy but if you can stay on the same page it is manageable. Good luck

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/05/2021 23:54

Was he ever able to be open, communicate, support? I’m guessing no, but you weren’t under so much strain before baby/lockdown and other support structures were in place.

Life is too short to stay with someone who cannot give you the real love you need. And being there for your partner when they are hurting, lost and sad is what love actually looks like.

PermanentTemporary · 27/05/2021 23:59

This is such a big change in a long relationship - a bit of a bombshell. I would say don't panic, you are still in the very early stages of becoming parents. Lockdown baby parents have had things exceptionally hard.

It can be hard even to know what your lives will look like or what you should want. Most of us are staggering along day to day, not looking forward. He may be in that mindset. Survival mode.

I hate to bring things down to basics but... with the lack of sleep, are you having any intimacy or couple time? I'd say get the sleep sorted out and you both may see a light at the end of the tunnel. A sleep consultant might be good if you have the money, or just start a thread here about it.

DishingOutDone · 28/05/2021 00:13

You can do marriage counselling on your own, over the phone. Relate provide a service where you ring up and say this is the bottom line, what can I do, and they help you to decide whether to try save things and if so how - or whether to call it a day, and again, how that might happen. I think you need some time yourself to lay it all out and think clearly.

Original poster

Bookishnerd · 28/05/2021 09:46

Thank you all for your advice.

I think marriage counselling could be a good idea, but I am scared to offer it as an option. What if he thinks I'm saying I want to leave?! I don't. I think he's awesome.

To give some context, he's always been a bit reticent to talk about his feelings. He had a few horrific experiences in childhood (I found this out from his mum) and I just don't think he has ever developed the skills to talk about, or even to understand, his own emotions. I genuinely think he thinks it is fine, because he's not got the skills to unpick what he's feeling.

We've managed quite well over the years. If we need to reconnect, we might go away and take a break, go out to dinner, play some Scrabble (yes, i know that's weird!) and try to make time for intimate time.

But four things have changed to make that pretty much impossible:

we have a baby, so all that stuff is harder/impossible anyway. We don't live close to our families, and so we always knew it would be tricky, but we expected to be able to see them more so that DS could get used to them and maybe even let them babysit
DH used to work 'normal' hours. But post-Covid, his workplace is too small for social distancing so they've got rolling shifts. One week he's on early shifts, one week he's on lates. He's either not here at night-time or he's shattered due to getting up at the crack of dawn
DS sleep is shit. It's one of those things, and it won't last forever
I'm not handling things well either. I snap at him or rush to judgement. It's not how I want to behave, I want to be kind and respectful. He's doing his best. But I'm so tired and so low, and that manifests itself in me being a bit grumpy. Every time I snap at him, I see him going into himself a little more. He won't talk to me about it.

Thank you all for your advice and support

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/05/2021 10:18

Frame the counselling as you need someone to help you talk to him and for him and you to understand how you feel at the moment.

Counselling makes a good relationship better!

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