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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help, I'm so confused

5 replies

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 27/05/2021 19:36

I don't know where to start, my heads in such a muddle.

This past weekend I was visiting a family member when she told me she was surprised to see me and the DC with DH and the DSC, when I asked why she revealed that DD had told her infront of DH that DSC had inappropriately touched her and left marks on her that they saw and MIL apparently took photos of.
This happened 8 weeks ago and
Dh told me nothing about any of it.
I spoke to my DD who is only 5 but confirmed most of what I was told and then contacted the police and SS.
This is when DH got very angry at me as he had 'sorted it' by asking DSC if they had done what DD said and when they said no he considered the matter fixed.
MIL won't speak to me and definitely won't send photos the other family member has since given a statement to the police as have I and DH and police and SS have spoken to DD.
I'm now looking for somewhere for me and DC to stay as I don't feel I can continue a relationship with their DF and that he will not and has not acted in their best interests.

He is acting as if nothing has happened and doing his best to be really helpful and show what what good husband and father he is which is just highlighting how crap he's been in general recently. I haven't told him we are leaving yet, I'm waiting until I have somewhereto go.

Is this UR? He has a huge history of screaming and shouting over stupid things and its been getting worse over the last few years and he's began to get financially abusive but when I tried to leave before he made it really difficult and threatened to take the kids 50/50 but I know he won't do that as he doesn't even like watching them every other weekend on his own.
I guess I'm really just wanting a hand hold and any practical advice on how to actually leave.
I've name changed as this is obviously very outing.
I'm so scared though, this is a huge change and I'll be uprooting my kids, it's unlikely we will get somewhere in the same school zone for my DD or thats very close to my parents and I really need them for support and they look after my youngest so I can work.
Am I doing the right thing? I think I am but I'm so worried about all the change even though I'm so disgusted at what he did or rather didn't do that I can barely look at him.
Why do I feel this way?

OP posts:
RoseisMadder · 27/05/2021 20:50

YANBU, leave!!
If your DH is abusive I would call women’s aid for support and advice. I’d leave as soon as I could.
What is the housing/financial situation?

AdelindSchade · 27/05/2021 20:59

Yes agree phone womens aid. Well done for acting in DDs best interests. It is unconscionable and disgusting the way your h has behaved. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your children.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 27/05/2021 21:39

He came home found me upset and got really angry cos I've betrayed his and his older child's trust by going "straight to the police" and should know he would never prioritise one child over the other and he had dealt with it.
I just packed us up and we came to my parents. I had a few bags half ready to go just incase.
The house is rented and just in his name (only found this out this week) he earns maybe 5 times as much as me as I took part time hours when the kids came along.
I have an appointment with local housing officer tomorrow morning, I made it earlier in the week.
I think my wobble is over I doubt we will be going back bar to get some essentials.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/05/2021 21:58

You have absolutely done the right thing which is to protect your DD

💐

cakecakecheese · 27/05/2021 22:00

Sorry what, you betrayed his trust?! Erm him keeping all this from you yet letting other family members know is the betrayal. Don't let him gaslight you on this, you know you're not the one in the wrong here.

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