Moving in together (I'm 42 and never lived with a boyfriend) - please share some positive experiences!

[user2348]

Hello,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and live close to each other, locked down together at my house, and are now talking about moving in together. At the moment he spends a few nights at his each week, but otherwise stays at mine.
I am getting increasingly anxious about the moving in - not because we don't have a good relationship, and not because I don't love him, but because of what other people say!
I have never lived with a boyfriend full-time before and properly moved in, which at 42, is maybe odd, but I've lived on my own mainly since age 27. So I'm nervous as it is and it's a bit scary because it's a big thing for me...
Anyway, other people say things like:
'relationships are best when you live apart'
'i'd never live with a man again - it's a myth that it's better to live as a couple than alone!'
'Why would you change things? You have the perfect set-up with a few nights apart'
'The sex and everything just dies when you live together'
So...these are the things i've heard, and few positive stories to be honest. Maybe it's my age because there are a lot of break ups and divorces! But few have seemed to say it's a lovely experience!
I'm keen to hear a balanced view as I am nervous after living alone for decades. Thank you!

No advice but watching!

Well, why do you want to live together?
I mean...if you can afford to live separate and arent planning on having kids...I'm not sure I get the point tbh. Of course having your own place is better than sharing with anyone. Especially if it is what you are used to.

We want to live together to build a home (without kids and with animals!) together...a dog is on the radar, and sharing our space, I guess. Plus, financially it's better for both of us and since he spends 5 nights out of 7 here, seems a bit silly to pay individual bills (but neither of us want this to be the defining reason to live together).

It’s good to always have someone to eat with and watch telly with.
I had lived alone for about 12 years before moving in with DH, yet the first time he went away for a few nights it just felt utterly boring and miserable.
I think having someone to comment to on trivial stuff is good.

Lived alone for a long time, but have now been living with DP for a year or so. It's great.

I hated being split between two houses (even though they were close together). It was such a faff having to get ready to go to work from hers, or settling down for an evening and realising my book/hobby stuff/whatever was in the other house.

We can pick up the slack for each other when it comes to laundry, housework, life admin depending on how busy we are. And also, living alone allowed me to get a little bit slobby here and there - I'm generally neater and tidier with someone else around.

I still get plenty of solitary time and privacy even though we're in the same house and it's not huge. But also, she's right there if I need her.

Win/win, in my experience.

Ah thanks! This is helpful :)

Before we were married my bf came to stay at my house every weekend and one night in the week. This was for over 4 years. We also went on several holidays together.

We bought a house together when we married and moved in together about a month after the wedding. Until that point we had had no rows or fallings out.......

Sharing a house that belonged to both of us proved to require quite an adjustment, maybe because I'd had my own place for 6 years already and made all my own decisions about it. I recall feeling very fed up, for example when he refused to countenance a particular colour for the walls or curtains or something for one room! We had some awful fall outs and one night he disappeared for a while - can't recall what that was about. It was just different from our previous carefree existence.

We got over it and are still together decades later but it did change the dynamic somewhat.

Living apart but spending several nights together IS different to living together fulltime.
Recognise this.
Space big enough for two is important as is a minimum of at least 1 spare bedroom.
A second sitting room is good too.

Don't see your need for space from each other as a negative but normal and healthy.

Does he pull his weight clearly in the house?
If not, he will bring NOTHING but stress to your life.
IMO it is critical that he is house broken and does his share of everything.

Take the time to discuss the minutiae of moving in.
Finances
Cooking
Housework
Laundry

Let him know clearly that he is NOT to take offence if you want some space sometimes.

The more ye talk about it the better BEFORE ye move in together.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

Is he moving in with you?

Nail down the details. Exactly who pays for what and who does what in the house. Make sure its properly fair. Then see if he sticks to it.

Yes he will move into my house and rent his place out...

Intend to talk about all the detail as you mention. But not looking forward to all the detail!

And he’s more domesticated than me in many ways! Very tidy and cleans my kitchen more than me 😂

If you own your home, speak to a solicitor about drawing up a tenancy agreement. You want to be absolutely sure he could never make a claim on your property. Always protect yourself first.

Why do are not looking forward to all the detail? Do you mean talking it all out like money etc? If he is at yours 5 days a week does he contribute to food etc?

Can I ask why you’ve never lived with someone before?

Have you ever had a long term relationship?

TBH people are right in that the dynamic changes hugely when you live with someone, but generally people are happy to move in together because they love each other and want to be together. TBH this doesn’t sound like it’s the case for you. You sound utterly detached here, so I’m wondering whether your concerns over moving in together have more to do with how you feel (or don’t feel) about this bloke.

At 42 I would wonder if someone who had never lived with someone else had commitment issues, and your post does seem to bear that out.

I’ve lived with friends but not a boyfriend full-time, because I’ve had trouble finding the right man who wanted a relationship. Plus my mother died quite horribly when I was 30 and that affected me for quite a while.

I’ve had several relationships in the past for a few years, depends what you call long term.

I love him, no debating that. I’m just practical about the moving in side which I think is sensible. Also probably normal to feel anxious.

I’m looking for positive stories rather than an assessment of why I haven’t lived with a boyfriend :)

Yep spoken to one and will get cohabitation agreement sorted, and spoken to him about that.

Hi op. I 'officially' started living with my partner this year, although tbh, he was here all the time anyway. It just felt natural. I'm 42 too. And, I'd never lived with anyone before. Or had a long term relationship! I love how people start picking apart the details about this! There are 101 reasons why this happens. I was bloody happy for most of it too. A bad relationship when I was younger put me right off men tbh 😂..then just been unlucky.
We love living together (I assume he does haha). I don't think I'd have made it 'official' if I didn't know what he was like around the house.
He's very domesticated, and loves to cook. We just enjoy being around each other. Which is the point I guess? I think it would only not work, if you didn't love one another, or you find each other irritating.

Always lovely to have partner bring you tea in bed.

Nice when one person is unwell to get pampered..

You never feel lonely. But if you want space you can go into.amother room or out.

@Ladylimpet ahhhhh, how lovely. I sound quite similar, and he’s the only man I’ve dated who I work with to this extent, and don’t find irritating! Plus we’ve tested through lockdown and did pretty well - I’m not so domesticated as him which he probably finds annoying though!! One of our main loves is animals and I love how he loves my cat too 😂

@caringcarer loneliness is awful and I’ve felt very lonely in my past and it’s a good reminder of that. I haven’t had to feel that with him, which I’m thankful for. Particularly during these tough times.

I’ll tell him to bring me tea in bed as part of the moving in deal!!

How much have you talked about the nitty gritty? More than just talking about the money you'd save or having pets. Have you discussed what your expectations are? Some women might find it delightful that their partner cleans the kitchen more than they do, but little things like that can build over time where he feels he has to clean the grime, otherwise it won't get done, and you feel like you can't relax in your own home without someone getting flustered that a few dishes have been left in the sink.

What are your sleeping habits? Will you rise and go to bed at the time? Is one of you a light sleeper? I think it's best to sort out who will be expected to do this or that task sooner rather than later.

OP,

Will he pay you rent?

He will be renting out his property but your property will need maintenance too.

He should make a contribution and not live rent free in your home whilst deriving an income from his home.

Great that he is a good cook.