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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he cheating?

43 replies

Sammi1975 · 27/05/2021 16:00

Recently (5months ago) found out my partner of 4years is bisexual, the fact he lied about it hurt the most. Since I found out it's also come out that he would hook up with random guys, have male to male massage and pay for happy endings! Not to mention group sex and voyerism! He claims he loves me and would never cheat, but today I have found sexual enhancement pills hidden in a drawer, we haven't had intercourse for months, what do I say to him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sammi1975 · 28/05/2021 11:40

He never told me, I found out he was using dating sites "fabguys" & "fabswingers". He said that he's never done anything while being with me, but then I discovered emails from women on a site called "pegging contacts" which he said he knew nothing about! At that point I had a full sexual health check and we haven't had sex since, not that we ever really had intercourse as he couldn't stay up lol the problem I'm having is he's living in MY house! I can't just up and leave, believe me I would have been long gone! He just doesn't listen, starts the guilt tripping and tears, I just want him gone.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 28/05/2021 11:43

Tell him if he isnt gone by nightfall you will call the police and have him removed. And do so.

'We are over, get the fuck out of my house'.

Or just wait till he goes out and change the locks. Leave his stuff in bin bags on the doorstep.

Dont let him walk over you anymore.

chickenyhead · 28/05/2021 11:47

Fabswingers is NOT a dating site!

Is there a friend of yours he hates? Move them in until he leaves.

I couldn't bear to look at him.

Hanab · 28/05/2021 11:50

If you are living in his home leave .. if he is living in your hime ask him to leave. No place for lies in a relationship. Get all the relevant tests done as soon as and block him.

Original poster

Sammi1975 · 28/05/2021 11:51

Well whatever "FABSWINGERS" is, it's clearly not something that someone who claims to be monogamous would be involved with? I'm not a prude, each to their own, I'm definitely not homophobic but I'm entitled to know who I'm getting into bed with and should have the choice to not be with someone who wants more than a 1 to 1 relationship?

OP posts:

promdresses49 · 28/05/2021 11:59

Urgh its all so sleazy - why can't men just be happy with their partners instead of sneaking around on these dirty sites - it shocks me that people have got the time to do it

sunnyblackwidow · 28/05/2021 12:01

Ignore the guilt tripping, make him leave your home.

HollowTalk · 28/05/2021 12:02

This is your house and you have the right to tell him to get out. I would take a day off work and pack up all of his things. I'd tell him that he can either take everything and go or you will take everything to his parents' house and answer any questions they might have.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2021 12:28

@Sammi1975

Pack up his stuff and change the locks if he refuses to leave

Sunflowergirl1 · 28/05/2021 12:32

So basically he doesn't have attraction to you...he is just using you for a base. Get his stuff, dump on the doorstep and ring him to come and collect it. It is YOUR house

Houseofvelour · 28/05/2021 13:09

@Sunflowergirl1

So basically he doesn't have attraction to you...he is just using you for a base. Get his stuff, dump on the doorstep and ring him to come and collect it. It is YOUR house

This. He has no rights to stay in your home if it's in your name. Pack up his stuff and leave it for him to collect.

From all you've written, my guess is that he's not bi, he is intact gay but is in denial and he is 100% cheating.
Leave him. You deserve better than to live his lie.

fedup078 · 28/05/2021 13:13

Oh please go and get all sti tests ASAP OP

Bellyups · 28/05/2021 13:17

Pack his stuff and change the locks. It’s YOUR house. Get.Rid.

fedup078 · 28/05/2021 13:20

Ah sorry but saw your other post saying you already have
Yeah get him out of your house

SoLongSister · 28/05/2021 13:23

Yuk he is gross.

Tell him he has till 6pm to be gone or you will call the police.

If his friends or family ask why, tell them.

Opentooffers · 28/05/2021 13:25

It would be totally understandable if you've not had sex with him since you started to find out about him - that would put anyone off!
At best, the pills are for webcaming or sexting someone, which is reasonable to class as cheating - I would and many do, it's a dumpable offence.
As is - shagging others, male /female
- a history of using prostitutes
-a history of voyerism & group sex ( if not on
same page with that).
- lying by a big fat omission of all above.
Doesn't matter if his activities are past even, for many it would be enough that he's lied to you for years, and possibly removed your ability to make decisions to protect your own health (shame that's not illegal). If you haven't also spotted any condoms laying around, or you don't use them, that's concerning too.
All you really need to say is that you don't want him anymore, so it's pointless to continue.
Next, work out how best to split, who moves out etc. You don't have to waste you breath discussing what he has or hasn't exactly done recently, there's enough past behaviour that you have found out about. You can in fact end it with anyone, for any reason you like, big or small, and these are BIG. So, you don't have to challenge him about the pills, I'd go straight to practicalities about the split, because trying to drag out more revelations, is just more torture for you, that you don't need.
Chose to end it and walk away with your head held high, otherwise, you will start hating yourself for not having done so, this is toxic and would eat away at any shred of self esteem you have left. You will have more strength now than any time in the future, so now is the time to make it happen as you have already unnecessarily delayed by 5 months, which I bet has not made it easier. Good luck.

MMmomDD · 28/05/2021 14:46

You never really had intercourse for the four years of your relationship? He couldn’t stay hard? - He isn’t bi. He is just using your house as a place to live.
Why would you let him move in???

But given where you are - you need to get angrier. And get help - do you have any friends? Male preferably but any would do.
Do pack his bags when he is out and change locks.
Call police if he causes trouble.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/05/2021 15:02

the problem I'm having is he's living in MY house! I can't just up and leave, believe me I would have been long gone! He just doesn't listen, starts the guilt tripping and tears, I just want him gone.

Then tell him again that he needs to leave.

And tell him that if he doesn't leave your property, YOUR home, that you'll call the police to have him removed.

And follow through. Actually follow through.

He is making an absolute mug of you in a home YOU own!

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