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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My other half and my mum

16 replies

Confused11111 · 27/05/2021 13:56

I posted the other week and since have fallen out with my fiance over this issue. My mum has apparently been mean to my fiance to the point where she refuses now to see either of my parents. My Mum keeps asking how she is and when are we all getting together like there's no problem. I'm keeping my head down to see if I can resolve this, but my finance is saying nothing will change for her. I can see them, but she won't. This is not how I want my life to be, and she won't budge so what do I do am torn between family as my parents are in their 70's and I don't want to make excuses all the time why my fiance and her daughters won't come to their house. She always asks about my other fiance all the time, how she's doing, how she never see's her and wants us all to go over. I am just so confused what to do......?????

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2021 14:07

What is stopping you walking away from your fiance and her daughters altogether?. What you wrote before sounds utterly miserable for you (and in turn your 15 year old).

Even one of her daughters has commented to you that her mother is only nice when she wants something. This person seems to be with you because you give her what she wants and or otherwise demands. Your 15 year old does not seem to get a look in now. I would think that your mother has behaved well and your fiance has taken offence probably as a way to try and further get you away from her sphere of influence and family support.

Sakurami · 27/05/2021 14:10

What did she say to her?

Pompom2367 · 27/05/2021 14:12

It depends what did your mum say

Original poster
Confused11111 · 27/05/2021 14:19

@Sakurami

What did she say to her?
She was talking about my ex apparently, just about how she used to be with me, rather I think than talking about my fiance. Not to hurt her, just general chit chat. We also had a few weeks apart 4 years ago, and my mum didn't want to get involved, so my fiance took Umbridge to the too. We don't see her parents. Her mum was an alcoholic who was mean to her, so we don't see her parents.
OP posts:
Original poster
Confused11111 · 27/05/2021 14:28

@Pompom2367

It depends what did your mum say
She was talking about my ex apparently, just about how she used to be with me, rather I think than talking about my fiance. Not to hurt her, just general chit chat. We also had a few weeks apart 4 years ago, and my mum didn't want to get involved, so my fiance took Umbridge to the too. We don't see her parents. Her mum was an alcoholic who was mean to her, so we don't see her parents.
OP posts:
Sakurami · 27/05/2021 16:18

Massive over reaction. You need to tell her that you can't marry her if she is going to fall out with your family over nothing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/05/2021 16:24

You said this on the other thread:

I need to put my needs into the mix and my son, he is 15, and he doesn't get nearly enough of my attention, and I can't spend money on him much as it's all gone on other things.

Put your son first and leave.

You shouldn't be in this relationship at all even if you didn't have a child, but at least then it'd only be affecting you.

You do have a child. Who is being taught by your actions that relationships that look like this are normal, healthy and acceptable. Do you want him to end up in a dynamic like this?

Leave for his sake if not yours.

Ozanj · 27/05/2021 16:25

I think you need to let your DP go. The relationship seems to have become really toxic for you

Dontbeme · 27/05/2021 17:16

We also had a few weeks apart 4 years ago, and my mum didn't want to get involved, so my fiance took Umbridge to the too

Your fiancée is upset that your mother stayed out of your relationship issues four years ago? What did she want, would she have preferred your mum to involve herself in arguements or did she expect your mother to support her, over you her child? She seems quick to take offence and find issues where none exist. Do you really want this to be your future, falling out with everyone in your life and walking on eggshells?

Original poster
Confused11111 · 29/05/2021 09:16

Thanks everyone, it's so difficult as I think she is oblivious to where am at right now. I'm so close to calling it a day but maybe am just hanging on to see if it changes. I've been very thoughtful over the past few weeks. I want to be positive about it all but I cant help feeling resentment now that I've just totally wasted my time. I do love her I think that's whats holding me back and she's found covid restrictions hard been a diabetic but she's pushed me away, she's intoving unless pointed out then I might get a few cuddles. She doesn't touch me or get close to me even though I've told her numerous times that even though she doesn't want sex what about my needs. Am not saying she should have sex with me just cos I want it but there are other ways to make me feel wanted and just a little bit from her.

OP posts:
naomi81 · 29/05/2021 09:26

Urgh it's a hard one as not everyone gets on with everyone, it's just life! I don't think I like any of my other half's family tbh, they all slag each other off behind their backs and it just doesn't sit well with me. I believe family should support you not drag you down. We've been invited round on Monday, I really don't want to go and listen to all the slagging off, my partner doesn't see it at all 🙄 but for his sake I will go and just say nothing and smile and play with his nieces and nephews.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2021 09:28

Call it a day and do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.
She knows and she does not care. You're being used here as a cash cow.

Why are your own boundaries in relationships so poor and what about your son in all this too?.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2021 09:31

I think that relationship sounds really horrible actually. You can't possibly be thinking of marrying somebody who treats your family like that, never mind the way she treats you.

WhyMrsRobinson · 29/05/2021 09:38

Oh please think carefully! She has taken the attention off your son- who you really need to have a relationship with, for life, and you may lose that now. You will if it continues and he feels left out, second place, not important. Poor chap.
She is taking attention off your mum and you will struggle and be miserable and turn yourself into a pretzel to try and keep both happy. She will, I’m guessing make it harder over time to see your mum and you will suffer agonies of guilt and loss and your mum will be very sad indeed as she reaches a vulnerable and potentially lonely age.
These are the two most important people in your life, please don’t lose them for someone who came into your life by chance and from what others are saying does seem to want things her way. I think you will be very lonely. And the not cuddling? Well I’m not talking about sex but no little hugs or acknowledgements will make you depressed and doubt yourself and lose your confidence.
It will happen slowly so you don’t notice. But you will be eroded with no hugs and no son or mum to hug you. Be very careful. Actually, call it off! Quick!

Meowchickameowmeow · 29/05/2021 11:14

Honestly, she sounds awful and like she wants to isolate you. Finish things with her before she's ruined all the other relationships in your life.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/05/2021 11:43

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You said this on the other thread:

I need to put my needs into the mix and my son, he is 15, and he doesn't get nearly enough of my attention, and I can't spend money on him much as it's all gone on other things.

Put your son first and leave.

You shouldn't be in this relationship at all even if you didn't have a child, but at least then it'd only be affecting you.

You do have a child. Who is being taught by your actions that relationships that look like this are normal, healthy and acceptable. Do you want him to end up in a dynamic like this?

Leave for his sake if not yours.

I said this previously OP. It still stands. Your poor son.
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