Hi everyone, just looking for some opinions or even experiences that may be similar to mine. It's a bit long winded but might as well share. I've been in a relationship with my fiance for 13 years and we have 3 children under 10 and we bought a house together in 2018. There have been red flags from the beginning but I'm 31 now and for some reason I just feel like my eyes are actually open to how I have been living for so long.
I finally realised things weren't normal last week when I thought how I hadn't had a single friend call to the house ever as I always had to ask my fiance and he would say no, then I said feck it and I invited a friend over and I was genuinely terrified to tell him that I pretended it was organised last minute, she was here less than an hour and he was texting me asking when she was leaving and then he came downstairs mouthing behind her back saying "when is she going" and I never felt so uncomfortable I just thought I actually can't do it anymore, it was so embarrassing. The other side of this is his friends and family can call and his mother has her own key and calls twice a day, if my parents call he doesn't even come downstairs to say hi.
There are also things like he said he and his mother discussed it and I cant go back to work after my maternity leave as he can't look after 3 children even though I only work part time. I've never been allowed to have a say in things when we bought our house he brought his mother to all th viewings, same goes for picking a wedding venue, picking our children's names, I go along too but my opinion doesn't matter at all.
He has a very high up job and earns a lot and he has never given me money, I work part time and do the food shop, pay smaller bills in the house and everything the children need, one day I genuinely had nothing in the bank and had no baby food so I used his bank card without asking I literally bought one bag of nappies and one box of baby milk and I couldn't sleep because I knew he'd find out and when he noticed he rang me and said if I ever touched his bank card again he would go mental. He does bodybuilding and I have to pay for all his protein things and if there's ever anything missing from the list he will not stop giving out to me about how ridiculous and it's a joke and if I left an hour earlier to do the shopping I could have got it.
I have never met anyone he works with or some of his friends, he says hes embarrassed that I work in retail and because theres a bit of height difference between us I can't go anywhere with him unless in heels, he wouldn't dream of holding my hand and he drops me to the door of say the cinema or restaurant and comes in separately, he has often passed me on his lunch break with work colleagues and pretend he hasn't seen me.
He texts me twice a day firstly what he wants for dinner and secondly what time he wants it for and he has to have it in the living room by himself no kids in there, if theres a match on I am upstairs with the children, once I walked in and sat down next to him and he just shouted that I was coming in on purpose to annoy him so most nights I sit in the kitchen on my own. I know it sounds silly but he has never even made me a cup of tea, I put all 3 kids to bed every night, do his dishes and he will come out make coffee for himself and walk back out. If his family call he will make tea/coffee for everyone except me. I have done all childminding and night feeds with all our children.
He is quite critical of my appearance he has said jeans don't suit me only dresses, I dyed my hair brown and he said ffs I told you I only like it blonde why do you keep dying it brown. My weight is a big thing, I've never been bigger than a size 6 and he regularly asks how much I weigh, I had a baby 6 weeks ago and I had a pizza at the weekend and he said jesus the pressure is on for the wedding I thought you'd be on the salads if you want to look your best.
I asked him to mind the baby last week so I could bring my mum grocery shopping and he said I didn't give him enough notice and the argument got so bad he smashed my phone.he keeps calling our house his house and when we bought it he said because I'm not paying the mortgage I had to sign a contract saying I only get 20 percent of the sale of our house if we split up. I know I should never have signed it but I am so so beat down mentally that I feel like the most weak minded person in the world, I feel embarrassed in myself and humiliated.
He has cheated on and off and I always take him back, he will say things like sorry but I have to tell you I was thinking about some woman from work during sex, or I feel like I have to tell you I was looking at a woman earlier and I hit a footpath when driving because I was looking too much. I tried ending the relationship but he won't move out, he has moved out before but kept his key and would just call at any hour and stay for hours, he is such an angry person that something like us making noise when he's playing his playstation would set him off. I feel like I'm so tired of arguing or defending myself that I barely even talk anymore, to anyone, I just don't have it in me to hold a conversation with someone because he says I embarrass myself by saying stupid things all the time. I rang my mum to see if I could move home temporarily but she said no it's my own fault for getting into this situation when she warned me years ago to leave him. She said I just have to go through with the wedding and accept that this is what ive chosen. I genuinely don't know what to do.