Am I being silly ?

[Notimefor]

Hi, usually really happy with my boyfriend of 2 years. But today I just feel crap about myself. I gained a stone and half over lockdown, some of it food, but mostly since I went on HRT, which is another story.

I have been going to the gym and running and nothing is changing. Today I got upset about it. I usually laugh it off but today I just felt defeated.

So I tell my boyfriend why I am upset, then we talk about my birthday which is soon. I said I really am not wanting to make a big deal of it as I am feeling fat and old and can’t really think of any reason to celebrate. I don’t like my birthday at the best of times, my problem I know. What really got to me is that he just didn’t say anything.. no reassurance- nothing. I really am not needy, and I don’t expect hearts and flowers but nothing!

Just thought what is the point in this.. I rarely ask for reassurance but I thought that this might warrant it. Maybe he just thinks I am old and fat.

Am I being silly or justified in feeling sad he can’t be bothered to make me feel better?

Thanks in advance for any replies.

I think we have all had time to re evaluate our self image, relationships, friends etc during this pandemic as we have had so much time to reflect and perhaps become a bit 'over critical' of ourselves.
Try not to look for answers or reassurance from your partner - he is probably worried he may say the wrong thing!!
Try to be kind to yourself and do not expect immediate results.
Stick to a routine of going to the gym/healthy eating etc now that we are coming out of this pandemic we are all re adjusting
You have a long established relationship with your partner which is great - he clearly wants to be with you

Don't project your disappointment in yourself onto him. He's probably doingas you asked and not made a fuss. He might prefer you slimmer and knows you prefer you slimmer so he has kept quiet.

You can't shift fat with exercise. All that will do is bulk you more. Cut carbs as low as you can go without side effects and you will lose the weight and feel better about yourself.

Thank you - I think you are right, I am being hard on myself, and him actually.

I have cut Carbs completely- which is why it’s so frustrating- I am aware I am projecting. Exercise always works for me alongside good eating.. it’s just harder as I am on hrt.

He probably didn’t know what to say. Chances are he does actually prefer you slimmer, but you’d have been even more upset if he’d agreed with you. But he didn’t want to lie, so felt safest to say nothing.

I disagree with PP. When you feel down you just want your partner to put an arm round you and comfort you. He doesn't have to say she is fat or thin, or what he prefers, he just has to be a support for her. OP I would mention to him that you would appreciate some understanding and comfort when you ask for it. Perhaps he doesn't realise he failed you this time but once you tell him hopefully you won't feel let down again.

YANBU for wanting comfort but YABU to be annoyed with him, maybe he just wasn't sure what to do or say?

No you're not being silly, it was very brave to say what was bothering you, it's a touchy subject when you've gained a few pounds, I completely understand that. Your bf should of reassured you and even give you some encouragement, does he ever give you compliments?

seensome

He doesn’t really compliment me, even at my fittest.

How does he show you he loves you?

Palavah

He is very tactile with me.. he will do things for me, he is not very verbally expressive, I accept that ..

Dogfan

I think this is a basic thing to expect when you are in a relationship with someone, which is why it has upset me. I don’t expect it all the time, but sometimes it really matters. I think I have to say something and let him know how it made me feel.

But OP... you are the one that called yourself fat and old. It’s like you’re punishing him for your comments.

If you wanted cheering up you should have said ‘I’m really struggling with my weight loss atm and it’s getting me down’ or something to that effect. But expecting him to disagree with a comment you made is playing unnecessary mind games. If you want support, communicate that.

premium77

I did communicate that to him first thing this morning, before the fat and old comments. I didn’t want him to disagree, because I am over my ideal weight, just a bit of reassurance would suffice.

It doesn’t change anything really, just have to crack on and keep motivated.

If my bf tells me he's fat/old, and I say I like how he looks, he says something along the lines of "you're biased". If I compliment him, he basically disagrees with me! It can feel as if I'm making him feel worse by bringing it up. I wonder if you or one of your bf's exes have reacted like that in the past and put him off?

ravenmum

It could be something like that. I still feel hurt though.

I know, understanding the logical reasons doesn't make you feel better. Plus the menopause is a bastard.

But you know what - if you're feeling down then that would be a good reason to celebrate your birthday ... to cheer yourself up? Get yourself something a sparkly, nice haircut, go out, put on some music... (I think you can do those things in the UK? Everything is still shut where I am.)

ravenmum

Thank you, I will I think. Will really look after myself this week and be ready. 😁