I had a thread under a different username about 18 months ago.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3802742-Do-you-think-that-some-people-are-just-unloveable
Nearly 18 months on and I thought I'd update.
Not long after my thread, lockdown hit which gave me a lot of time to think about things, work on myself and to undertake some more therapy, which has been amazing.
I've thought about the thread a few times recently and reread it this morning.
Nothing about the situation has changed but the therapy has made me feel much more settled about it all and has given me some much needed clarity. I feel I have gained some sort of acceptance.
About a month or so ago, I was out shopping and bumped into a man I'd known about 4 years ago. I'd been quite attracted to him.at the time but didn't think much of it.
Anyway, he messaged me afterwards to say it had been really nice seeing me again and we arranged to go out for a drink to catch up on the past 4 years.
I suppose we have started seeing each other. I find him very attractive and I enjoy his company. He seems to like me too and said he found me attractive back then, but I can't relax or enjoy it and I can feel the past fears creeping back.
One of the main things is that he is a bit younger than me, very affectionate and quite playful. After my experiences, I'm finding this very difficult. No one has ever been like this with me before. It catches me unawares and I don't think I respond very naturally.
Things like he'll come up behind me and put his arms around my waist to hug me and I'm not sure how to respond so I just feel awkward and tense.
And things like, when we were together the other day, he said something had triggered a memory for him. I just smiled because I've learnt that that means men are reminded of a past love or another woman or just something that turned them on. So I didn't ask him what but then he said it had reminded him of something about me and I was quite taken aback.
I'm not used to things like that.
We've been seeing each other for about 4 weeks so it's very early days and there have been no conversations about what it is or where it is going obviously. I like him and and I do fancy him but already I can feel myself going cold because I also feel uncomfortable and uncertain and none of it feels natural to me.
I'm quite affectionate and tactile but I am like that because I don't experience it often and I don't know if/when I will again. Kind of a 'making hay while the sun shines' approach, which just sounds really cold.
I've told myself that it's just something casual and that it can't/won't mean anything. I just don't know. I feel too broken to even consider anything. I'm just so cold and shut off. Everything feels like a performance to me. Like I'm looking in on it from the outside.
He's invited me to do something with him next month. It's something to do with a hobby he's involved with and would mean meeting some of his friends. I'm hesitant about all of it because I know it's not going anywhere.
I don't even know if its something I should talk to him about or if it would be easier to just walk away.