Husband struggling

[Mumofher22]

Hello
I'm looking for some advice really, I apologise in advance for the long post.
Like a lot of new mums lockdown as really taken it's toll on my mine and my husbands relationship. He has really struggled with his mental health, he finds it hard to cope when she's crying, I feel like I've got to shield him.from it otherwise he might breakdown completely.
He hasn't taken naturally to fatherhood, he loves our daughter to bits but he has admitted that he finds it hard, when he loses it he says that he hates being a dad and hates his life... he had also told me that he will not have another child
To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, like many women I feel like covid had robbed me of so many experiences with my baby, I miss the man I married and I want to be there for him but he is so moody everyday, its so hard... knowing I will never have another baby kills me, we had agreed on two... of course I know he is entitled to change his mind, but selfishly I feel so robbed, and so so sad, in an unhappy marriage with an unhappy man.

Hi op, I'm sorry to hear this aren't great.

I don't have any advice as such but my brother went through something similar years ago. He and his wife went through IVF to have a baby and after he was born, despite him being very much wanted and loved, my brother really struggled to adjusting to being a dad and the the overnight change in his and his wife's lives (not just being able to do what they wanted when they wanted, etc).

The agreement was that he would go p/t as he was the slightly lower earner but after a few months he went back f/t as he couldn't handle it.

He was also put on anti-depressants and sadly, there were no more children, although I am certain his wife would have loved another.

Their marriage broke down eventually but my then their son was a little older and it was a little late for her to have any more children.

I guess you have to decide if giving up the chance of having another child is bigger than your love for him and your family how it is. If it isn't then you need to act.

I’m sorry, this sounds so hard.

He needs to see his GP ASAP to be assessed for depression, men get postnatal depression too and if he is depressed there’s help out there, from medication to talking therapies. I would be expecting this from him at a minimum tbh as if he’s unwell he owes it to you and your child to take steps to try and get better.

As for the ‘how many children’ part, unfortunately if he’s decided he’s one and done then your choices are to accept that or leave and try meet someone else to have more children. We always planned on two, had one, and although DH was a natural and is the best dad I’ve met he realised that he wanted to stick with one and no longer wanted two. I was gutted for a while but in situations like this the person who doesn’t want a child or another child has to ‘win’, it’d be grossly unfair on everyone including the potential child to try for more. You don’t know what being a parent is like until you’re actually doing it, and it’s likely that the reality has made him realise he wouldn’t be happy with or cope with more children. That’s okay for him to feel that way, and it’s okay for it to be upsetting for you.

It worries me too though that you say he ‘loses it’ and you’re feeling like you have to shield him from crying. That must be incredibly stressful for you. I remember those early months and soooo much crying and it sets your teeth on edge and makes you feel so stressed, but it would have been ten times worse if I was also on edge feeling scared about my husband’s reaction.

Can you sleep separately for a while and take it in turns throughout the night so you both get a decent stretch of sleep? It might be less stressful for you if you’re not worried about him hearing her crying, and tbh I never saw the point in both parents being woken all night anyway, better to share night duties and both get some rest or one person do a full night and the one who slept takes charge the following day.

When he ‘loses it’ what does that actually look like?

Lockdown has been horrific for most people, most relationships have suffered, and new parenthood is hard at the best of times. I think it would be good if you can get your own support too through this, it’s hard living with a depressed partner, you might find when baby gets a bit older and is sleeping better and crying less and DH gets some help for his mood that you can be happy together again. Try not to make any rash decisions about your relationship for now, unless you feel unsafe or he is aggressive or angry around you and the baby.

How old is your DD now OP? Just asking because both I and my husband felt like this some of the time during our daughter’s first year. I didn’t particularly enjoy maternity leave, and DH did as you say ‘lose it’ at times and get either angry about his life, or just quite down. He’d always been keener on kids than me, but we’d been a couple just the two of us for 12ish years before we had a baby and we’d got used to that lifestyle.

However now she is 2.5, she’s been sleeping pretty well for a year or so, I’ve been back at work for a while and DH adjusted his hours so we split the childcare fairly evenly between us (plus she’s in nursery 2 days) - it all feels a lot more manageable for both of us. It’s also taken that time for us both to get used to just not having that freedom that we used to take for granted, although we do try to make sure we each get a bit of time to ourselves regularly.

Anyway we are now having number 2 - and I know it’s going to be horrific for a while, but it will get better eventually.

So things may improve for you with time and adjustment, especially as life starts to get back to normal. However would second PPs saying that your DH should seek help from his GP if he’s really struggling right now, to get some support for all of your sakes. I took antidepressants for a while when I was going through a bad patch pre baby, and it was only for a year or so in the end- if (e.g.) medication could help it doesn’t have to be forever.

How old is your baby? To be honest it's not unusual for lots of parents in the first 6 months or so to think "never again" - I'm sure my DH felt that way (also history of MH issues) - when DD said her first word and it was "Dada" he completely changed though and it was much easier to agree to have a second child than it was when we decided to conceive our first

Thank you for your replies. Our daughter is 13 months, she is a great sleeper, like all 13 months olds she just gets bored easily and he wants her to happily play on the floor while he watches TV, when she gets frustrated he gets frustrated and it makes me feel guilty for doing my own things. I'm self employed and have reduced my hours to take care of her most of the time. I have more patience and enjoy doing baby things so this suits us fine but he definitely resents me not bringing in as much money i say to him we can't have it both ways and that I am doing my best to keep my business afloat.
When he loses it I mean he shouts and often cries, he would never be violent.
The whole second baby thing we have agreed to not talk about it again for a while so we both can experience life with our baby without covid, but I can't see him changing his mind, which is perfectly understandable but I also can't change how strongly I feel about having another baby, I know I will have to be the one to accept his decision but when I am also so unhappy with him on top of it, it does make me question whether I could potentially be happy without him. But like someone said, making a rash decision now would be silly and I owe it to him, our marriage and our daughter to try and support him, I just don't want to look back in 20 years time with regret.

Does he shout around your baby?

Because if he does, that’s not okay, and it needs to stop. It doesn’t have to be physical violence to have a significant, damaging impact on a baby/toddler/child.

I think the crying around your daughter is just as unacceptable as the shouting to be honest and I wouldn't put up with him citing his mental health issues as an excuse. (I told my DH I categorically wouldn't have that kind of atmosphere around our children)

Can you afford nursery for a few days per week? Surely If he's out at work all day then really he's only around her much at the weekends as i imagine she'd be going to bed an hour or so after he gets home?

If you agreed on 2 children to then change his mind is going to cause resentment no matter what it's just whether you can eventually get over it

Personally I found living with my DH and MH issues incredibly draining and isolating. The MH sufferer is the one who gets support - medication counselling etc but the partner has to deal with it alone and then to potentially sacrifice the family you dreamed of for him is not something I think I'd be able to forgive x

He's been working from home due to covid, which I believe isn't good for him, I would love for him to go to work every day, there's just no escape from the moodiness, and that's just not me, nor is it the environment I want for my daughter.
I often feel like I'm being a bad person for not being more supportive and sympathetic... but I just feel annoyed, he got counseling which helped a little, briefly... when I try to talk to him about how I feel and how unhappy I am, his feelings and his emotions are always so much bigger than mine, therefore they're not important (not his words just how I feel)
I dont really talk to my friends/family about this stuff, I'm definitely a bottle it up and slap on a smile get on with things kinda girl (probably another issue as DH is the opposite) which is why I started this post really, sometimes saying things out loud can help put things into perspective

Does he have plans to go back to the office soon?

Honestly my marriage wouldn't have survived my DH working from home and I don't think he'd cope with the children either (3 under 5)

You sound so much like me - I'm a glass half full person just get on with life and find the things which make you laugh. My DH is the total opposite and I can't deal with the woe is me "dressing down of doom" behaviour. And yes it's very common to feel that your feelings take a back seat to his and you can't ever have a bad day because his day is soooo much worse

All I can say is if you think his MH issues will improve and he actually wants to feel better then there is incentive to ride this out. (Thats ultimately what I did) But once your child is hitting the terrible 2s and 3s and obstinate 4s it could potentially get a whole lot worse. A 13 month old is actually pretty easy to manage/parent compared to when they are old enough to challenge you and have temper tantrums.

*dressing gown of doom

And there's me hoping she'll be an angel when she's 2/3 and he'll be desperate for another 🤣

@Mumofher22 I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Whilst I have the utmost sympathy for anyone suffering with their mental health, I do think that your husband sounds like a bit of a selfish sod. Having a baby, even a wanted and much loved one, is tough on everyone and even more so in Covid times. But it sounds to me like he’s decided it the most hard for him and as such that trumps anything that you might be feeling.

A 13month old needs a lot of input, but it’s not forever and even when it’s your first child you logically know that it’s not forever (even if it feels like it!) I got very cross when you said in a follow up post that he clearly resents you not earning as much money anymore even though that’s because you’re looking after your (and his) daughter because he can’t cope. How dare he, what does he want from you then because it sounds like you can’t bloody win. And as for feeling like you need to shield him from your daughters crying.... babies of that age cry all the fucking time, you must feel permanently on edge! That’s not acceptable in my opinion, you shouldn’t be walking on eggshells like that on your own home and your daughter will be picking up on it too. Plus he’s asking you to sacrifice something huge in not having a second kid, does he realise how big a deal that is?

So, in short, you are living with a miserable partner, who doesn’t pull his weight with your demanding young baby but who is resentful too because you don’t earn enough money and he’s made a unilateral decision to only have one child when that was never the original plan. You’re walking on eggshells in your own house all of the time and you’re unhappy in your relationship with him too and are having to change your life plans. That all feels very one sided and unfair to me, like you’re the only one making any sacrifices.

In your position I would want a very serious conversation and lay out out some non negotiables that he has to bend to in order to change things and make everyone’s lives happier. Those would include:

• Seeking medical help for his depression.
• Helping you out more with your daughter because depressed or not she is his daughter too and you deserve the help.
• As above with sleep and nightwakings too so that you get enough rest.
• If his job is staying at home, to find a hobby or outlet that takes him out once or twice a week to help his mental health. Might be a drink with a friend regularly or going swimming every week. But something he can look forward to and “go out” for.
• Supporting you in having some hobby or outlet for the same amount of time each week.
• Getting some couples counselling together to talk through the no second baby thing to a) help you come to terms with it b) to help you communicate on it.

And those would be as a minimum.

Nobody can help being mentally unwell any more than they can help being physically unwell, especially in these strange times, but it sounds to me like on top of being depressed, your husband wants things his way and you’re the one whose suffering as a result of that (and your daughter too, even if she doesn’t feel that directly quite yet because of her age). You and she deserve better.

Good luck.