To think my mum is the reason I’ve never felt worthy

[Nuthatcher]

Rocky childhood. Dad had an affair, mum went off the rails drinking, swallowed a load of pills infront me saying she was doing herself in. Brought random guys back to the house and had sex with them whilst I was up and about...verbally abusive, violent to my dad. They got back together about 15 years ago, still together.
When ever I talk about my passions and interests she goes hmmm then changes the subject back to her.
I recently told her i may not be able to have more children and getting investigations done because of endometriosis, she changed the subject to her sore back and hasn’t asked me anything else about it. I’m going for ivf and I haven’t even told her because there’s just no point, I won’t get any support.
When I was pregnant with my daughter 11 years ago I was 14 weeks pregnant and she begged me to have an abortion as I was 19, she never said she would be there for me, she just shouted at me and told me I was ruining my life.
She gave me 100 quid once and told me to go buy some loose clothing as I was a state apparently and I grew my hair long how I love it and she told me she prefers short hair and told me to get a Bob - she has a pixie cut.
I’ve took up photography and I’m pretty good at it. She snubs all my photos that I post online, yet comments on everyone else’s stuff. She gossips about everyone including my sister. She judges people constantly and criticises their life choices, their weight etc even when she is morbidly obese herself.
I just feel i can’t talk to her about anything, I get no support or interest or encouragement from her. I keep my distance from her and she probably notices. She flys off the handle at every little thing and causes a massive drama.
I had a miscarriage once and before it she fell out with me and ignored me because I told my sister I was pregnant first. She made the news of my pregnancy all about her.

I’m just ranting really but it’s made me realise all my insecurities, bad past relationships, giving up on myself etc stem from this feeling of never feeling good enough, because of her.

You are right, but the good news is, the past isn't the future.

Firstly, can you go NC with her? (And if not, why not?).

Well now you have come to that realisation, you can turn your life around.

Your mother is the product of her own environment, upbringing, and experiences.

You, as an adult, must choose your own path. You can't look to other people for validation.

Did your father not have any influence over your childhood sense of self worth?

I don’t want to go no contact as she loves my dd, and I know she loves me deep down but I’m certainly low contact and I don’t spend any time with her like lunches or day trips or anything. I rarely visit as I hate spending any length of time there.
My dad is quite shut off emotionally. Never hugged me, had me treading on egg shells to the point of you dropped something that made a noise he would shout at you, I do the same thing now as it brings up this horrible fear response in me.
He drinks at the weekend and always ends up drunk and he’s not a nice drunk at all.

I just feel that now at the age of 31 it’s hit me that the bad decisions I make, my feelings of unworthiness and constant need for validation stems from my parents. I’ve did a lot of work to figure out why I have been behaving the way I have.
It’s got to the point a year ago where I was going to leave my amazing, loving partner because I developed feelings for someone who didn’t want me. Nothing happened between me and the guy and I told my partner what was going on. I went for therapy and the therapist told me I was self sabotaging because I didn’t believe I deserved to be happy. I got told I was chasing someone who wouldn’t choose or want me because that’s my brains wiring and familiar patterns become safety...so when you are out of that pattern your brain doesn’t feel safe. Sad really.

Your parents are incapable of or giving love and certainly never showed you any. Your mother more likely than not likes your DD because your DD is a good source of supply and adoration. Its not your fault your parents are like this, you did not make them that way.

Your parents were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not changed since that time. If they are too difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child too. Look at what they taught you about relationships as well; a shedload of damaging lessons.

Examine exactly why you would still want either of them around your daughter; not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive. It is probably your own fear, obligation and guilt that keeps you trapped too. You've worked out a lot of stuff already re your parents and you need to keep going and reclaim your life. Do also read "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride.

I would urge you to keep going to therapy.