Making sense of serious betrayal

[glassbox]

Hello. This isn't about forgiving or anything, but just understanding infidelity so I can make sense of how I am feeling.

My DP was unfaithful to me a few years ago. We worked through it, but the only reason I agreed to that was because he gave me an edited version of the truth at the time. Partly to cover his backside, but I think probably also because he didn't know why he had done it or what it means until quite a long time later.

At the time, we had been seeing each other for nearly a year and it was just dating without the serious level of commitment. He said almost losing me made him realise how much he loved me, and he has stood by that for the last couple of years and has proved it's true. Since we worked it out, he is completely committed and has been the model DP in every way and we have been very happy.

He also took responsibility for the whole thing, learned about why he did it and improved himself and I think he grew from it and turned a huge corner in who he is as it's obvious when we met he had some baggage that led to this. It was obvious he felt very badly about it and for a long while he was depressed and going through very hard things so I know how seriously he took it. I admire than he did that.

That's all good, and our relationship is happy and so on, but as he went through therapy and so on, part of that was confessing the full truth and the various motivations to me at the time.

The real version was very painful and included really calculated, deceptive behavior that was all about him and his weakness and I can't get out of my head the fact that he was so cavalier about hurting me or risking losing me the way he did.

For those who have had affairs or who are going through the longer term outcomes of these things, what are thoughts on serious betrayal and how it affects things long term?

I think what strikes me is that observation of you switching to supporting your partner as he confronted some painful truths about himself - thereby putting your own grief and hurt to one side. I’m curious that it’s nudging at you for attention now, and I certainly think you should give it attention. Some therapy for yourself could be very helpful. I wonder if you have processed your feelings about your previous partner’s death?

We don’t enter adult relationships completely free of previous influences, and the reasons we are attracted to people can be unconscious and usually rooted in our earliest relationship of all, with our parents . Infidelity is very painful and, strangely enough, painful to the partner who is unfaithful. Affairs are conflicting, addictive and people act out in very adolescent ways. That’s not an excuse or justification, just an observation. He is most likely being completely genuine if he expresses distress and confusion about what he did; it may seem like looking back at a psychotic episode for him. None of that invalidates your feelings but you may have felt unable to fully express them at the time.

You are not back there; you are several years on and the relationship seems stronger. Affairs do not always end relationships as long as they are worked through and understood.

They have been happy for several years - it's behind them

Perfect example of someone who has no idea how this sort of thing can affect people. Happy for years? Behind them for who??

Clueless

Zing, do you think your 30 years would have been happy if he had not cheated?

Absolutely. The cheating is what destroyed the trust to begin with. And in his mind we are fine now. It's me who is still unhappy as a result and it is all related to the trust.

That's depressing

@glassbox

I think most people would be upset if they found out 14 months into their relationship that their boyfriend had another girlfriend for the past four months. Wouldn't they? I am questioning my own sanity now.

Yes most people would be upset. The thing is that when you find out about affairs you have two choices really... Leave, or stay. It really is that simple. If you make the decision to leave, you leave, work your way through it and hopefully meet someone else and hope it never happens again. If you stay, you have to find away to work through it with the person who is responsible for all of your hurt, pain and betrayal. If you go through therapy, it's usually to try and work through it with a person trained to facilitate communication. You then have to try and put it behind you thinking all of the cards are on the table and it's a case of moving forward. OP to you it was a huge betrayal, to him it was a new relationship, he worked away, got together with a colleague and had an affair. If she was around more than you, he was obviously keeping his options open, edging his bets, and keeping a foot in both camps. Your analysis of the situation referring to his baggage, his traumatic childhood it sounds like your his therapist. You cannot see inside to the bones of people, you have to decide for yourself if the person you are with has the qualities and values you need to thrive as a couple. I'll be honest I don't think you'll ever move on from this. I think you'll ponder on it, put it to one side, but you will keep coming back to it, and unpicking it over and over. The life you describe now sounds very much like you're trying to convince yourself that you are happy, and that you are the one he chose... But it's not enough deep down is it? There's that blemish still there that you're constantly scrubbing at, and it's not going away is it? You need to be brutally honest with yourself, and look at the situation as it is.

You’re agonising and giving this far too much thought and analysis. New boyfriend was shagging about. He’s still just a boyfriend. There’s nothing chaining you to this bloke, plenty of other (quality debatable) males out there. Just enjoy your life, stop giving this boyfriend all this attention.

Your over analysing. What he did was hurtful and has affected the trust of the relationship.

He has said some home truth which sounds in keeping with an affair. People have affairs for all types of reasons and his sound classic 1) didn’t think I’ll be caught
2) wasn’t worried about losing you - of course that changed once you left him

Not sure what closure you’ll get going over these points. It’s hurtful and may make you feel second best.

It’s been a while now- you have to make a choice - is this affair something that you can live with and move on from? Only you can make that choice. Sounds like he done all the right things too.

I know he wants to get married now, so it's time to decide on forever and I am torn
It sounds to me as if you thought you'd found your happy ending - love at first click, etc. - and after all the sadness and disappointment you went through before, you've been trying to maintain that fragile perfection by firmly suppressing your subconscious. But now it's getting so serious, your doubts are struggling back to the surface?

Is there a rush to marry him?

I don’t think people fundamentally can change. It’s the ability to lie and deceive that was the hardest for me to come to terms with. The utter disregard for me as a person, the lack of empathy. I tried to make it work with my ex, but realised I would be hyper vigilant forever with him. The peace I felt after I left him was worth all the love I felt.
He met someone else and was serious with her and I saw him on a sex site whilst with her. Thank god I left him.

This is so early on to find out that he’s a cheater. Get out while you still can.

I’m sorry to sound harsh but you can psychoanalyse him until the cows come home but at the end of the day cheating is a choice. In fact, it’s a series of choices. He chose to lie and cheat because he wanted to, and he’ll do it again if he wants to, because you already know he’s capable of it and are working so hard to forgive him.

I got cheated on, came here and got a kick up the arse to leave him, and I did. I’m so happy to be rid of him now and feel so stupid that I bent over backwards trying to understand and justify it when it really just comes down to he was a selfish git who wanted to cheat.

Wishing you the best, OP.

I could not make something like this work. The trust is gone. When the trust goes, so does the love. You can't love someone who betrayed you, who thought nothing of your pain, who didn't care about you. That alone is enough to make me walk away.

I have huge admiration for people who can make this work, but honestly I don't know how they can. How do you live waiting for the next time they see something better than you come along? How does that make your self esteem better?